Dating someone with cyclothymia. need advice

To the person who reads this and responds, thank you.
My bf is active duty military. He has cyclothymic. He is not on meds and not seeking help bc the military doesn’t know about his condition.
We have been long distance over a year. He is extremely jealous. His past 2 relationships resulted in the girls cheating on him. Unfortunately, I have lied to him before. I have an issue with lying to avoid confrontation. Because he gets so angry, and even verbally abusive, I would leave information out to avoid an epic fight.
I have never cheated but of course since I’ve lied in the past, he equates that with cheating. Believe it or not, I do not lie to him anymore. However, once he gets something in his head there is NO convincing him otherwise.
A few months ago, I was asked by a family member to hang out. It just so happened that some of his friends where at the place as well. I told my bf immediately and let him know what was happening, as it happened. Well later he accused me of sleeping with my family members friends and that I was a slut etc etc. it was extremely painful hearing all that, as I’ve heard several times.
We were able to eventually have an open conversation about it. He admitted to me that he knows I’m not cheating and the real issue is that he’s insecure and just feels like that I am gonna leave him for a guy who lives closer and that my family approves of. He said he overreacted and he would be ok with me hanging out with that family member in the future.
I was amazed and grateful for this. I had known from my countless hours of researching bipolar disorder that this was the heart of the problem and it was my job to give him abundant reassurance. Which I have.
This week I was asked by that family member to come over for dinner, he would be cooking for some of his friends (guys and girls). So I called my bf and asked if this would be ok or if it would make him uncomfortable, and if it did, I wouldn’t go. He said it was fine so I went. Well it’s not. He has been distant and icey. One word responses and no calls. I have told him I love him and am acting normal. I just don’t understand if he had a problem with me going why he didn’t just tell me. He knows I would’ve cancelled.
I love him so much and I know he loves me too. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me. Even his friends tell me he says this. I always try to show him love and never judgment.
But how do I communicate? He struggles with alcohol. Sometimes he will black out and not remember calling me and being a complete asshole for no reason. If I try to talk about it the next day he shuts down and doesn’t want to hear what he said or did. So there I sit with hurt feelings that I’m not allowed to talk about because if I do, he says I’m just trying to make him feel like $#%^ and he already knows he’s a POS.
I hate the double standard. He always goes out with his military buddies. They get drunk, go to strip clubs, etc etc. Yet I can’t go out with family without being accused of cheating? He doesn’t think there’s a double standard though. If I question his behavior he claims I am being crazy controlling. I have no desire to do such. However, if I feel insecure about something, I should be able to express that. For example, he was “liking pics” of almost completely naked women on fb. I told him that made me feel insecure. The result: I’m controlling and he deleted his fb.

So what do I do? It’s another weekend where he’s already made plans and I sit at home alone, depressed, friendless, missing him, wondering if he’s ok etc etc but he gets to go out with friends, have fun and unquestioned by me.

Hi literatec and welcome to the forum!

I am going to move your thread to the Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum while leaving a shadow thread here in cyclothymia. This way your post will get more views and potentially more replies.

Take care,
Jan

ok great! I didn't know exactly where I should start/post. I don't think I marked to get email notifications when people reply. How do I change that?

He just called telling me they are on the way to the city and I can already tell that his friends have been drinking. He asked me about 4 times what I was doing.

well of course I am not doing anything. bc if I do, he gets in a mood. I even told him I felt like he hasn't wanted to talk to me the past few days and it has kinda hurt my feelings. his response" I've been sick". Which he has been ill but he wasn't acting short until a went to hang out with my family member.

I am just so depressed bc I don't know what to do. I love him so much and would do anything for him. I honestly love him unconditionally which is why al this hurts. Not bc I'm not getting enough attention or whatever but bc he can't see that he is my world So much so that I hide my hurt and depression from him bc I don't want him to feel worse about himself. Don't get me wrong, I have set boundaries(like turning my phone off after 12am if hes been drinking)and not letting him verbally abuse me.

it hurts my heart that he has to go through this and this disorder is telling him I am something I am not. When he isn't going through this phase he is so wonderful, supportive and sweet. I love him for who he is. I guess I just need advice on how I can cope w/o getting majorly depressed and how I can support him.

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Although it's not your boyfriend's fault that he has cyclothmia, he does have a responsibility for his behaviour and is also responsible for ensuring that he gets adequate treatment. It seems that he isn't taking responsibility for himself here.

My bf is active duty military. He has cyclothymic. He is not on meds and not seeking help bc the military doesn’t know about his condition.

This is very concerning. He could potentially pose a risk to himself and his fellow soldiers and colleagues if he was to become ill. He could possibly make unwise decisions, lose insight into what he is doing and the effects of his behaviour on others, and in an environment where there is access to dangerous weaponry and split second decisions have to be made, this could literally be a matter of life and death, or cause severe harm to others. I'm not suggesting that he might run amock in a psychotic manner, but that the deciisons that he makes whilst ill could potentially have devastating consequences, not only to himself but to others too. He has lied about his condition to ensure that he remains employed with the military. This in itself could speak volumes about his character, suggsting that he is prepared to lie and manipulate, even to the extent of potential harm to others, in order to achieve his own aims. If he is oblivious to the possib le consequences of his actions, and they have not occurred to him,then this could suggest immaturity, impulsivity and an inability to see the bigger picture. I'm also wondering about the possible legal implications of this. Is he actually breaking a military law by deceiving them in this way? Could you also be implicated here, by knowing of his deception and possibly being an accessory to the fact, if you didn't report him? In many ways, he has put you on the spot. Please consider very carefully the seriousness of this situation.

But how do I communicate? He struggles with alcohol. Sometimes he will black out and not remember calling me and being a complete asshole for no reason. If I try to talk about it the next day he shuts down and doesn’t want to hear what he said or did. So there I sit with hurt feelings that I’m not allowed to talk about because if I do, he says I’m just trying to make him feel like $#%^ and he already knows he’s a POS.

He is CHOOSING to remain unmedicated and is leaving YOU to deal with the fall out created by the symptoms of his disorder. He is being abusive towards you and not showing any remorse, or validating your feelings when you tell him how much his behaviour is hurting you. He says you're trying to make him "feel like S#& " and yet it's "okay" for him to do that to you. Whether or not he actually remembers verbally abusing you whilst drunk is irrelevent. This is not an excuse. He can choose not to drink if drinking affects him so negatively, or he can choose to have treatment for alcohol related issues. He isn't taking an responsibility for his behaviour.

hate the double standard. He always goes out with his military buddies. They get drunk, go to strip clubs, etc etc. Yet I can’t go out with family without being accused of cheating? He doesn’t think there’s a double standard though. If I question his behavior he claims I am being crazy controlling. I have no desire to do such. However, if I feel insecure about something, I should be able to express that. For example, he was “liking pics” of almost completely naked women on fb. I told him that made me feel insecure. The result: I’m controlling and he deleted his fb.

So what do I do? It’s another weekend where he’s already made plans and I sit at home alone, depressed, friendless, missing him, wondering if he’s ok etc etc but he gets to go out with friends, have fun and unquestioned by me.

You say you hate the double standard. Yes, what he is doing is completely unfair. You don't deserve to become isolated, depressed and friendless. Perhaps the isolation he has imposed upon you reinforces your feelings of dependency upon him? This is classic controlling, abusive behaviour and having a disorder such as clyclothmia doesn't make this okay, and in any case he is refusing to get treatment.

As an objective observer, from what you're saying, it sounds as if he is benefittig from this relationship and has your total loyalty and support, and you are getting very little back in return. You have literally put your life on a back burner for him, even to the extent of your emotional health as you say you're now isolated and depressed, with no one to support you. Your needs are valid too, and you are also valuable as a human being. Is he showing you any respect or appreciation of your instrinsic value? It seems as if you're being totally giving, to the cost of yourself. It seems as if you've forgotten yourself, and put yourself second. Perhaps you could do a Google search about co -dependent behaviour in relationships? If any of this resonates with you, perhaps you could speak to a therapist, to help you to validate yourself, and work our where your relationship goes from here.

it hurts my heart that he has to go through this and this disorder is telling him I am something I am not. When he isn't going through this phase he is so wonderful, supportive and sweet. I love him for who he is. I guess I just need advice on how I can cope w/o getting majorly depressed and how I can support him.

Hun, he is not getting treatment for his disorder. Even as his girlfriend, THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. His disorder doesn't excuse bad behaviour towards you. Your duty isn't to support him. Your first duty is towards yourself, keeping yourself emotionally safe, and not in enabling deceptive and possible illegal behaviour (not telling the military about his condition)

Speaking to a therapist can help you to gain some clarity. Whilst you're enmeshed and emotionally entwined with him, you will lack the clarity you need to see this situation clearly. If you don't do anything else, please consider speaking to a therapist.

Thanks for your advice:

as far as my codependency. I have struggled with that in the past. I was in therapy for years. I can tell you from my past that I do not think I am co dependent upon him. The old me would've already dropped everything and moved up there, married him, etc etc. I have established a career where I am. The only way I would consider moving is if we were engaged and he knows this.

As far as me and friends... I guess I wasn't exactly clear in my post. I have gotten to the point now where I fell as though he can get over it if he doesn't like it. I just don't know how to deal with the "aftermath" from him. Also, I live in the "Bible belt". It seems that the only way ppl are meeting each other is at church. I am non religious. So outside of him, I am having trouble making friends in general.

I know from my past that if we were to end, there would still be love out there for me. From my past I have made it my goal in life to never "need" a man. To me, an end is an end. If we break up, I can't look back.

Do you think there is any hope for us? I love him, but you are right, I cannot and will not sacrifice myself. I am in the process of finding a therapist and I have attended ANON, support group for family of alcoholics. I insist on pre marital counseling if things go that way.

How do I encourage him to get help? He says that the meds make him feel bad physically and that the shrinks make him feel crazier. I have heard that it's not good to threaten to leave them or use other threats to get them to seek help. So what do I do?

Do you think there is any hope for us? I love him, but you are right, I cannot and will not sacrifice myself. I am in the process of finding a therapist and I have attended ANON, support group for family of alcoholics. I insist on pre marital counseling if things go that way.

It's good that you can see that sacrificing yourself would be wrong. To sacrifice yourself would be to lose yourself in the process. It's good that you're looking for a therapist, because this will enable you to come to your own conclusions and make changes within yourself, which could effectively produce changes within the relationship, if you decide to stay. Only you can make the decision as to stay or leave. Therapy will enable you to gain insights and perhaps to view the situation from a more objective angle. Al Anon will provide you with some peer support and I encourage you to keep going.

How do I encourage him to get help? He says that the meds make him feel bad physically and that the shrinks make him feel crazier. I have heard that it's not good to threaten to leave them or use other threats to get them to seek help. So what do I do?

It can take time to adjust to meds. I know this from personal experience as I have Cyclothmia/Bipolar 2 in addition to HPD. Sometimes it can take some time for a person to find the right dosage and combination of meds that suit them. People with bipolar spectrum disorders can sometimes be in denial about their diagnosis and may naturally be reluctant to accept the label, and seeing a psychiatrist can be seen to reinforce this label. From this aspect, I can see where he is coming from. However, if they can look at the bigger picture, in terms of what damage untreated bipolar spectrum disorder can do to themselves in the long term, they may begin to understand the enormous cost to themselves of leaving their disorder untreated. Untreated bipolar spectrum disorders can affect a person's entire life, due to the lifestyle choices they made whilst ill. Perhaps if he sought therapy from a counsellor he could discuss his fears with them and he may eventually come to a point where he understands and realizes that he would benefit in the longer term if he was on the right medication?

You're right in saying that you shouldn't give ultimatums about leaving him. However, if you are not getting what you need and deserve from the relationship, and it is causing you pain and distress, then you're entitled to end the relationship if you wish.

Can you recommend a way for me to start a conversation about him seeking help? The last thing I want to do is come across as controlling or him think I am looking at him as some terrible person. Should I say that I think it would be good for our relationship, how it affects me? or is that making it too much about me?

As I don't know him or you, or what his reactions might be, it would be irresponsible of me to suggest what you should say. A part of your own self empowerment in this situation has to be for you to have faith in your own decisions, and for you to work out the best way to deal with this situation.

The last thing I want to do is come across as controlling or him think I am looking at him as some terrible person. Should I say that I think it would be good for our relationship, how it affects me? or is that making it too much about me?

You seem to always be putting his needs first, and this is very apparent when you say "or is that making it too much about me?" and you seem to have a need to ask for advice. If you could take the time to look at your reasons for this, and if it has been a consistent pattern in your life, then you may gain some understanding about how and why the dynamics of your relationship arose in the first place, and this knowledge may help you to change your own status quo. This is one of the reasons why therapy can be so valuable.

It is also okay to express your needs, and to make it partly about you. There are two people in the relationship after all.

Well we just talked on the phone about an hour.

I told him that I love him and that I do not judge him for his BP or his struggle with alcohol. I understand that by being with him this will be something that will be a continuous battle.

However, that being said, the things he says to me are unacceptable and I have to protect myself. I know that he doesn't want to hurt me but he often does. I am not trying to make him feel bad. His response was "I don't want to keep doing this to you, I am in so much pain knowing I hurt you".

I told him that that is why I often leave details of what he's done out, because I know it hurts him but I can't do that anymore. It is simply not fair for me to swallow down hurt feelings. We should be able to speak freely .

He tried to turn it around on me. We were having a great discussion, then like a switch he brings up the past and when I lied. He thinks I lied about the dinner I went to. That I probably hooked up with one of my family members friends. I said no I didn't and it's not ok for you to accuse me of such particularly when I had enough respect to call and ask if you were ok with me going.

I said if you are unable to trust me, I love you enough to let you go. I know that you have a struggle. I can't be in a relationship where I do not feel loved and appreciated. If he honestly can't get past the past, it isn't healthy for either of us to be in this relationship.

I said that all I have to go on as far as our future is what I see. It is not ok for him to justify his drinking because I lied in the past. I may have broken his trust then. His actions now do not build trust or stability with me. I said it's not your disorder that I am most concerned with, it is your choices. You choose to go drink, knowing you could say something to me you will later regret. If you want a future with me then show me. Get some support, tell a friend to help you. There is only so much I can do from a distance.

I told him that I want us to work. There is work to be done with both of us, not just him. However, I am not longer just going to accept unacceptable behavior and that he is responsible for his choices and actions. I told him that it was up to him decide what he wanted. I know that I want to be with him as long as he is addressing his issues and not shutting me out. If he really can't be with me then I will let him go.

We discussed/fought/cried awhile.He just said he wanted to go back to sleep and that he loves me. I said ok and hung up.

I don't know where we stand right now but I think I stood up for myself as well as reassuring him I loved him.