Ending an affair (possibly bpd husband)

Men change of heart, nine head of cattle dragged back. Do not have the luxury, more than I can do is to consider themselves and their children, for example, regarding property .....

Little a, I'd like you to know that I truly appreciate your comments. You grasp the heart of the issue so easily and deliver thoughtful replies which are succinct, concise and easy to understand Thank you for that.

littlearcher wrote:
this is one of the consequences of disordered thinking, unfortunately. and i think it's pretty easy to see how it impacts almost every facet of life (including ability to learn, grow or heal if there is no awareness and acknowledgement of it)

The store was an analogy,I hope I have not made him sound completely clueless, although you are right in saying it does affect almost every facet of his life, the store metaphor should not be taken literally. He has the awareness and acknowledges something must be wrong. With that, I know he suffers inside and is having a difficult time. I have reiterated to him, that with this awareness, it is now up to him to take the nessecarry steps for himself. As I've noticed similar patterns with our son, I will do my best for him as a mum.

do you think that you can start holding him accountable and communicating the consequences of his behaviour?

This is exactly my intention and desire. Upon reflection I will admit that the people who care for him have been abetting the cycle. We are frustrated by the unaccountability but we need also to change our coping strategy. We communicate that if he does *A* it will lead to such and such, thus we will do *B*. But more often than not, we do not follow through. I see now what needs to change. It will be painful not only for him.....

if you do feel that way, it's because you are taking it on board. and that's something to look at within yourself...why are you taking it on board? is it because the back and forth has weighed you down? are you experiencing emotional abuse?

There is no doubt that I have suffered emotional and mental abuse in my marriage so much so that the only way I've been able to stay married this long was by blocking out and building walls. I worded it wrongly. I do NOT feel to blame. I am NOT taking it on board now. What I meant was, how is it he can believe it's justified to blame me. But you have already answered this above "disordered thinking"

i think you very much know this as you are experiencing it but, it seems like he is unwilling to take any responsibility for making decisions about his life.

and as such, he is living from the perspective of a passive recipient rather than an active participant. what this means is that he likely views life as happening to him rather than something he can actually engage with.

this type of thinking can lead to someone feeling very anxious, stuck, unsafe, angry, suspicious etc etc as it creates the illusion that they have no control over their life.

Again, you are RIGHT on the mark!! He does feel out of control but meanwhile struggling to regain control and make sound decisions. In the past, I've observed that his parents have always tried to protect him from making bad decisions. Always trying to "save" him from a bad situation which he should have been held accountable for. So you see, this is why I've left pretty much most of the decision making to him all this while. I needed for him to know he truly is free to make choices in his life and he is in fact in control but only of his life. I stayed because I chose to do so.

you can't change the way he engages with life, but you can change the way you engage with him.

what do you think?

I agree. The last few months, I chose to stay and challenge myself to bring down my walls, to fully engage with him with no self defense. It has not been good to me but it has been good for me. I know now without help and change on his part, I am ready to move on. For now, I do not wish to engage with him. How I'm going to achieve that, I'm unsure.

Your thoughts?

Hi little a, I just wanted to let u know that Iread your reply the day u posted.... I'm absorbing your words... Thanks for caring.... also... I'mloving your pprofile pic