Ending an affair (possibly bpd husband)

First post out of desperation, my husband has been trying to end his affair for the past 4 months. Unsuccessfully. It seems his pendulum swings from day to day. He tells us (mistress n wife) he wants to end it with the other but everytime he tries, he cant do it. If either of us runs out of patience n tries to leave he pulls us both back. I feel his words only ring true at the moment he says it, and judging from the mistress, she feels the same way too. Smashed window,phone,car,an abortion and an attempted suicide and he still wants to hold on to both. He says he feels abandoned if either of us tries to leave even though he is the one who haa been inatigating the split (either with me or her) All this is mind boggling and from my research i think ,y husband is bpd and this is not love, just his feras acting up. Please help, i want to end the cycle. Its takinga toll on all of us, especially my eldest son (i have 3 kids)

I have tried reading help for bpd, and how to support them, trying sooo hard. Please help me, i know my husband logically knows what he should do, but he just cant help it. If anyone has advice its really appreciated.

Hi and welcome

I was just wondering why you think that your husband's inability to end an affair is due to Bipolar disorder? Is he displaying symptoms related to bipolar? If so I think it would be good to encourage him to see someone professional. People with BP can have relationship problems but not all relationship problems are due to BP. One other thing I wanted to ask was you said BPD - do you mean you think he has bipolar or borderline personalilty disorder?

Hope things improve

Cracked

I am moving this post to the Significant Others, Family and Friends forum as it is more appropriate there but I will leave a shadow topic in BP so you can get the benefit of both forums

Cracked

Yes, this confused me because of the acronym used. BPD is typically used to stand for borderline personality disorder, which is a very different illness than bipolar disorder.

Affairs don't always have something to do with mental illness. Even when they do, a person still has free will to make their own choices and to seek help if the affair stems from some aspect of their illness.

If I were you, I would see a counselor to help You move forward. Whatever is happening with your partner and his ongoing affair will only change if he decides to change it. Take care of you instead.

Your husband made a promise to remain true to you when you got married.
He has broken that promise. He has broken your trust.

Now he is manipulating both you and the other woman.
Both of you are standing by your man because you hope he will make a new commitment to you.

The best book I have read that relates to your situation is called: The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. Only in your case, the issue isn't Anger, it is Unfaithfulness.

The gist of the book is that you have to take control of the Unfaithfulness, declare it inappropriate and declare the steps you will take if it doesn't stop. Then follow through if he doesn't straighten out.

To tell the truth, both you and the mistress are losers right now because you are giving him control. You are the both his victims.
It is time to be Strong! If it will help, see a marriage counsellor.
Turn it around. He is the loser. He is the one who lacks moral courage and maturity.
It is time to say "Straighten out, or else." and then be willing to follow through with the "Or Else" if he doesn't straighten out. No second chances. It sounds like you have given him all his second chances already.

It will be painful, lonely and expensive but in 5 years, you will know it is the best thing you could have done. Either he will become Faithful to you, as promised and you will have a better marriage and relationship, or he will be unfaithful and you will have ended the marriage. You win in either case. He wins if he renews his marriage covenant and becomes Faithful to you. He loses if he doesn't straighten out, but that is not your fault or problem. You gave him a choice, and he made his decision. Hold him accountable.

Be strong.
Take care,

Edgy,

Let me be blunt. If he was a cheater before you married you, why did you marry him?


Not so Edgy.

CrackedGirl wrote:Hi and welcome

I was just wondering why you think that your husband's inability to end an affair is due to Bipolar disorder? Is he displaying symptoms related to bipolar? If so I think it would be good to encourage him to see someone professional. People with BP can have relationship problems but not all relationship problems are due to BP. One other thing I wanted to ask was you said BPD - do you mean you think he has bipolar or borderline personalilty disorder?

Hope things improve

Cracked

By bpd i mean borderline. Im not sure for certain but my therapist agrees tht he seems to have maladaptive episodes when he feels abandoned however not a certain diagnosis unless he is prepared to seek help. Ive only jus recently realized the patterns after 11 years of being with him. And ive managed to convince him to read up on bpd which he agrees he displays 8 out of 10 symptoms, the 9th which is suicidal tendencies (he has them still but does not act on them anymore).i guess i am not certain and im not linking affairs to bpd. I jus notice he acts out to seek some sort of way to ease his abamdonment through destructive means eg, 2 affairs, drugs, drinking, gambling (all of which occurs in bouts not continuously). He also admits he tends to mirror, like in his logic, if im a good wife, then he is a good dad, thus if i think he is not spending enough time with kids, ie it is my fault. I feel like he is never wrong in his eyes, its always blamed on me, his parents etc, but after a bout of anger or threat etc, he will come to a phase of shame where he feels worthless, useless, tht he is a bad person etc (He uses these words to describe himself) I almost feel like i have to twist my logic to keep in line with him (driving me nuts) EG, he cheated on me twice (while married ), gambled excessively cos i didnt spend enough time with him thus is it my fault tht he did these things??!!?? If i go to bed before him, i feel guilty for feeling tired cos im leaving him alone even though it doesnt make sense, i still feel the guilt.

Long story short, i may be wrong about bpd, i am trying to convinve him to seek help. Ur thoughts?

His family have all notcied this, i jus wish if i could put a name to the problem then we could seek help.

-- Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:12 pm --

13cmk wrote:Edgy,

Let me be blunt. If he was a cheater before you married you, why did you marry him?


Not so Edgy.

Yup!! Not edgy at all! His 2 affairs were after we got married.

I wondered about the BPD thing as you posted in the bipolar forum- they are different illnesses. If he has got signs of BPD then suggesting he talk to someone professional may help tho it can be difficult to get ppl to agree to this irrespective of their possible diagnosis. Hopefully some ppl who know more about BPD will be able to advise you further but in my experience it can be tricky sometimes to have someone agree to see a professional if you say you think they have something going on. In the end they have to come to that conclusion themself. I hope that he will seek help if he needs it

Cracked

Sorry for posting in the wrong space, can moderators move it to the bpd? I'll be more careful next time. Tks

Update:

She decided to return to wait for him. I dont know if she will ever leave. Over the months, ive seen this lady go from a mistress demanding him to choose between us, not content to be the third party, to begging me to letting her move in with me to help with chores, willingness to sleep anywhere jus to be close to him, to being forced to have an abortion, to multiple attempts of suicide and finally a resigned zombie of a person who believes it is her destiny to stay by my man to the end no matter what it takes. All this in the past 4 months, and she believe this love is worth the sacrifice. I see her breaking, nearly broken. As the wife, i am sitting put. I keep faith that since he has now agreed to go for therapy we have a fighting chance to keep our family unit intact.

I feel for her, sometimes anger, pity, jealousy, humiliation. I wish for her to see the light that clinging on to my husband is detrimental to her physical,emotiomal and mental wellbeing and it prevents us from being able to move on. Im just sooo tired of this. I want it done and over so we can seek couples therapt together to rebuild our lives.

She has been cut of from her family, frens, quit her job, let go of her home, basically her life to be ferried to and fro from her country to mine at least 10 times over the period of their affair. Its baffling! Is it perhaps she feels there is nothing left but him and their "love" since he has orchestrated it to be this way where he is the only one in her life that she has accepted that this is the way it has to be for her?

Its strange i find myself concern for her wellbeing, sometimes putting her above my needs. It is insane! Any advice on a healthier positiin for me to take? For my own wellbeing?