Ending an affair (possibly bpd husband)

Most definitely, Little Archer. That is why I am not with him.

He truly does not love, in my opinion. I agree it varies from individual to individual. And he is more of a cluster b, for sure. Can't see him ever changing. He prefers to control women. And finds women who live with that.


The lesson that must be drilled in my head is: There is a difference between strength and abuse.

littlearcher wrote:
i don't think it's wise to speak of people with bpd as a collective in terms of having one set notion of love or one set capacity for empathy because i think there is such variation from individual to individual (in all things but, definitely in bpd as well). for example, i consider myself to be highly empathetic and it's not in a selfish way at all.

you can't learn things for him or make him learn them but it is possible to heal if he does have bpd. it's a long and very slow process and he'd need to really want to do it himself and for himself (not out of a desire to please you or remain with you) i think.

/

Thanks littlea: by any chance are you bpd? It's true, im sure it does vary from individual to individual. I shall keep my perspective based on my husband only then, rather than collectively imply that its a standard for all. And you are right too, I've mentioned to him over the years that certain things that need to change arent only for my benefit but he should be doing this for himself. As in, even if our relationship fails, he may risk future issues with new relationships. He has said how do I expect him to do anything for his self betterment if he doesnt see himself as good enough reason to change? You know what I mean??

And obviously while Im with him, Im a good enough reason to change, but then i feel like he's always full on when he decides to change, but this full blast only lasts a short while then its back to normal. Ive tried to tell him, to take this process of change slowly, give it too much, too soon, and you'll burn out. Anyway, Im delving too much into my relationship issues when in fact, now Im just hoping he resolves this affair thingy otherwise all the reflections and will to fix this is pointless.

Update: I've seen my therapist, and he encourages me to reconstruct my life and focus on my needs as well. To take care of myself while still maintaining the objective to rebuild our marriage. To find a better outlet for my emotional pain. Im gonna get my nails done today, join an aerobics session this evening. That's how I'll spend my day today. On me.

-- Thu Sep 26, 2013 11:37 am --

13cmk wrote:
He truly does not love, in my opinion. I agree it varies from individual to individual. And he is more of a cluster b, for sure. Can't see him ever changing. He prefers to control women. And finds women who live with that.

The lesson that must be drilled in my head is: There is a difference between strength and abuse.

My husband is like that too in regards to control. And I agree, I am strong but I am being abused and Im not willing to live this way forever but Im not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

My husbands says he wants a partner with self respect and value, healthy self esteem etc, yet its like a catch 22, cos these type of women wouldn't be able to take what he dishes out. And that also led to my discussion with my therapist yesterday, it had me reflecting on myself and why I have stuck it out that long, it made me look at my issues as well.

Little a, I've found u to be nothing BUT Empathetic and supportive. I really appreciate your help and useful links you've provided. As u mentioned that you work very very hard to be the best that you can be, I'd like to acknowledge that.

My husband has the best intentions and wants to be the best that he can be too. I see his suffering wen the consequences of his actions are in direct contradiction to his intentions. It frustrates him as much as me, I know.

I have done some self destructive things to cope with my pain. I need to stop. I don't want to elaborate but I'm not proud of it.

It's a struggle but I'm hanging in there. Thanks for your help

I decided to lay off posting for awhile to watch the developments. Here's an update :

H(husband) returned from overseas 2 days ago. He took a week long trip to send M(mistress) back and help her get settled and put her in contact with her friends and family. Although H feels he will be broken either way, done on his terms (this way rather than just an air ticket and sending her back) would feel the best for him amd ease the guilt H feels towards his treatment of M.

IMO, Ive been supportive of his feelings and actions (doing it on his own terms regardless if i agree or not, irrational or not, etc) and i think ive sustained this frame of mind all through M crazy ranting and behaviour prior to leaving, and the entire trip, through to thr 2 days H has been back. (While H was struggling dealing with M trying to get her to leave, he told me, I was AAA GRADE wife. I felt it through words and actions, but knowingly not too naive to believe i would be on the pedestal forever. In fact while M was hurling insults at him about their relationship, H actually clung on to me physically and said I choose my wife, i choose my wife etc.)

Now, although the fall from grace was predicted its still frustrating nonetheless, but ive managed to control the instinct to defend n retaliate. But my boundaries are clear, ive maintained this supportive frame of mind throughout, as such, his idealization and devaluation has nothing to do with me, and so it easier to cope. But i dont deserve this treatment, i really dont! Last night we had a talk and it led to him saying, he wants to move out, separate, divorce etc. (He said, not what i was expecting huh???...in fact i had not anticipated the exact outcome but the fall from AAA to DDD grade was oh so expected!!) Everytime M is here giving him sh*t, i am supportive and im the best, when M leaves, i am supportive but im being hurtful to him. Even though my mindset and actions have been consistent throughout. Just a tad frustrating ya!

So if you could offer any insight or advice, that would be great, how or what can i do to break (or at least minimize) this idealization/devalued cycle? I honestly am tired of it.......your thoughts???

Now....

A little note on myself :

Therapist advises to stop wasting time on analyzing meaning behind his words n to focus on what is good for me n what would make me feel like a good wife (my therapy goals : to better myself as a partner whilst understanding his situation, and to give this marriage my best shot so i can look back without regrets)

Sometimes its hard when the pendulum keeps swinging and truths arent constant. (Interestingly enough these terms ive been using prior to even learning about bpd, seems consistent with things ive been reading online lol) anyhow, educating myself more on the topic has enabled me to take all the swings in stride. Im prepared, cycles anticipated, emotions and reactions more controlled. I can even have a laugh about it in secret after and feel ok to be affectionate to him (before my wall would be 100ft high!!) Btw H did go into the flight mode again after he returned, M gone, now wants me gone, wants to sever family tieswith his parents, etc.... then into shame mode "im bad father, bad husband etc. (Upside, since now he is aware of his patterns, its not as melodramatic as before, so thats good but there were the "i wanna jump off a building " statements creeping in. (Sooooo predictable n as such not as mentally exhausting!!)

Not surprising, last week, H was open to therapy, today....not so sure lol....nonetheless, im continuing for my own mental and emotional health. Its a daily struggle.

littlearcher wrote:sadly, i don't think you can change someone else. it's not your cycle to break, it's his.

the only cycle you can break is the up/down relationship you have with him.

Thanks for your quick reply ok, so how do i break this up/down relationship since this is within my control??? What do i do?

No worries little a, thanks for the insight and ...reality check. I do wonder though, what would tip anyone with issues (PD or not) to wanna seek help for themselves? And Im not only referring to my H going for T to work on his issues for US. As in even if we're not together what would tip him to want a better way of living for himself?? What would it take??? If its not too intrusive to ask, what tipped you???

"What is happinnes, i dont even know what it is anymore"
"I know i can never be truly happy anymore"
"Im broken"
"I will not be able to make you happy anymore, you'll see"
"No one else matters, I will cut everyone out of my life"
"I feel like jumping off a building"

It must be painful to live with these thoughts periodically. What would it take to just challenge oneself to take a step in a different direction to hopefully get to a place where such thoughts dont exist? (Or at least are minimized, or replaced with healthier thoughts??)

Sorry if i am rambling, sometimes there is a plethora of emotions and thoughts within me. Sometimes, i feel sympathy for him (im not good at being empathetic) , other times i am sick n tired of hearing these things repeatedly that i just zone out, sometimes i do wanna give up, there is only so much people around him can do, his life is his own to live in whichever way he chooses to.

Sometimes your life is not only your own. It affects the people surrpunding you. To me, if you wanna ride a sinking ship, why does everyone need to sink with you?? Sometimes its not so simple as just letting go either. I worry for my eldest son (he's he's been the most affected. He talks about wanting to leave home, since he's useless and worthless, he wants a better life, he's began acting up much more than usual. I worry about the effects my MIL and H issues may have on my children's emotional wellbeing.

Reality will hit soon, there will come a time when enough is enough.

Boy, That is quite a story.

13cmk wrote:Boy, That is quite a story.

Lol...hi 13cmk...ur so right!! Ive said its like a horror movie i was forced to watch... but then again was i really "forced"??? Hmmm there IS a difference between "STRENGTH AND ABUSE".... ur words did somewhat turn on a lightbulb and i thank u for that

Interesting.

Control. Some want it, other have it whether they want it or not.

The question is, Which are you?


You can set boundaries, You can go to therapy, You can go to a 12- step co-dependants no more, You can get on your knee and pray to allah.


The point is, It is your head. Only let who you want, f*** with it.