partner doesn't experience full range of emotions

posted this the other day in living with mental illness, but only got a reply from one person, so posting it here in hopes of getting some more insight.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for here, just information I guess? I've always known that my partner of 2.5+ years doesn't express emotions well/much at all, or is uncomfortable with them, but last night he informed me that it's not just a lack of comfort or expression of them, but that he actually doesn't feel the full range of human emotions. he said he generally only ever feels either neutral, happy, angry, or stressed. he said he can count on one hand the number of times he's felt sad in his life because they were all "monumental." and that he doesn't understand what people mean when they say they feel different types/levels/degrees of an emotion, such as happiness. either he's "happy or not happy." his description of it was being "almost sociopathic." but sociopathy/psychopathy don't really fit, though this realization explains a TON of things from the last few years. the closest thing I can think to relate it to is alexythymia.

I guess I'm also look for some sort of advice/encouragement. I'm borderline myself, so we're basically at extreme opposite ends of the spectrum here, and I'm feeling really depressed and hopeless about this. I just don't know what to do.

rainbow_sprinkles -

Right, that doesn't necessarily mean he is a sociopath.

It could just be some combination of that's how he copes with his underlying emotions (by mostly blocking them), and that as a male, we are often discouraged from having them (good old social/family pressure re: a male is suppose to be strong, not emotional, a thinker, etc.). Some people are emotionally immature, just as some people are logically immature.

Dear rainbow_sprinkles,


I agree with xdude. Society does try to steer males to avoid being emotional, but I think there is nothing stronger than being able to cry or tell people what you feel. I don't cry often, but when push comes to shove I'm not afraid to do so.
Hiding or suppressing emotions is not healthy for the human heart or mind. We were never meant to do that, it is just a way of control. Your bf might have gone through an upbringing where he was told not to show his emotions and the fruition created his way of thinking about the world and how he sees it.
Just tell him it is perfectly normal to show emotion. Sometimes it is scary to expose your heart, so to say, but that is how to truly live. It is as important as breathing.

Yes, both extremes happen, and there is a lot to be said for balance.

Some people are extremely emotional neglecting their ability to use their rational/thinking side, while some people go the opposite extreme of embracing their thinking/rational side while suppressing their emotional side.

The OP mentioned black/white expression of emotions (e.g., I'm happy or I'm sad) and that could be a red-flag, but it could also just be someone who has suppressed their emotions to such a degree that their understanding of how they feel is immature, repressed and simplistic.

If you were dealing with a sociopath or psychopath there would likely be more to it such as a blatant dis-regard for others, or worse, a consistent want to exploit others and their emotions.

he expressed that this is just the way he's always been. I honestly don't feel like this has been some sort of choice or coping mechanism for him, but simply the way he is. he is extremely close to his family, grew up in a very loving, well-adjusted, happy go lucky, validating sort of environment. he's very ambitious and driven and requires a certain standard of living which to me is almost extravagant, as I grew up with very little money and have always gotten by on very very little. money is annoyingly important to him, and his idea of being "broke" is being able to go out to walmart and toss $100 worth of stuff he decided he wanted for the house onto his debit card.

suffice it to say, he's never exactly had it rough. so I simply can't think of any experience in his life that would've caused him to need to suppress emotions to the point where he now feels this is just the way he's always been. this isn't about him not SHOWING emotion, as I originally had assumed. he literally doesn't FEEL them beyond being statically happy, neutral, or angry.

I don't believe he is a sociopath, as it doesn't fit. as I said, he described his lack of emotions as "almost sociopathic" - his words. not mine. his extent of understanding of sociopathy is "sociopaths don't feel emotions."

littlearcher wrote:hi rainbowsprinkles,
sounds like you are trying to understand your partner a little better and i can see why that would be challenging as someone who has bpd and experiences emotions quite vividly.

how has your boyfriend been in his interactions with you? does his limited range of emotions impact on the relationship or on his ability to communicate well with you?

also, how does it impact him? is it something he feels he is missing out on?

you've spoken of his relationship with his family being good. have actual physical causes been ruled out?

it definitely impacts the relationship. on one hand, I think his lack of emotional depth in response to my bpd outbursts is a big part of the reason he's never been negatively affected enough to leave. on the other hand, I now understand why he lacks what I consider the natural human urge to reach out to comfort someone when they're upset, why he is very very poor at expressing himself/his thoughts/feelings, and why I've never really been able to feel emotionally connected to him. it's like reaching out and grabbing in the air for something that just isn't there.

I'm not really sure how he feels about it, he didn't go into detail the other day when he said it and I haven't brought it up again since, as I'm still trying to grasp it and get information/experiences/opinions from outside of myself since I'm not exactly objective. as far as I've been able to tell in the few years I've known him, he seems perfectly content with life in general. always just sort of upbeat, confident, not really having much of a care in the world. it was what attracted me to him initially, but once I became emotionally invested, what I thought was just a lack of emotional maturity began to obviously cause internal problems for me.

since this was just revealed to me a matter of days ago, no, no tests of any sort have been done. I don't know if he's ever explained to anyone else that he simply doesn't feel the range of emotions most people do. he's generally quite healthy, hardly ever even gets a cold. I could count on one hand the number of times I've seen him feeling under the weather. every now and again, not often at all, he'll have a dizzy spell, has had to leave work 2 or 3 times that I've known about because of it, but blood tests have never come up with an explanation. that's the only thing I can think of in terms of his physical health.

Asperger's would be my guess.

he is not the slightest bit autistic. very sociable and charming, gets along with anybody and everybody, very good at talking to people, very suave when he wants to be. and kind of a player. whenever we were open or broken up he'd have someone in his bed at a moment's notice.

It definitely makes me more concerned about the relationship than I already was. It's incredibly hard to be such an emotional person and be with someone I can't connect with and who doesn't reach out to me, whose eyes are just kinda dead. I had hope that he'd become more comfortable expressing himself and his feelings as he got older but now that I know its a problem of him not even feeling the things I thought he just couldn't express well...what am I supposed to do with that? Knowing I'll never get any real passion from him...I was really hoping someone would have experienced this and could tell me there were effective therapies for it, but apparently not.

thank you for your thoughtful responses, littlearcher.

I had honestly thought that this guy was my first success at being with someone NOT emotionally unavailable, because he's always stuck with me even when I've left him and he is endlessly patient and claims to love me and etc etc. I definitely have a history of only ever truly emotionally bonding with guys who are unable to be with me the way I want them to, or who can't stick around, for whatever reason. I'm not really sure why I do this. I always feel 100% certain that I could spend the rest of my life with the person and be so happy, and love them so much, and am devastated when they leave. so I'm definitely not conscious of needing to be with someone who's unavailable, or of only committing temporarily, or whatever it might be. and I have no clue how to go about finding out why I do this. I've been aware of it for a good few years now, and haven't had any sort of "aha" moment and free counsellors aren't able to go deep enough with me to really explore these depths, and I can't afford to pay out of pocket to see someone to try to sort it out. so I don't know what to do.