Is my husband a sociopath or something else?

I am in a very scary marriage with an abusive man. In the midst of getting away, but I am trying to figure out what/who I am dealing with. I know something is wrong. I have been reading about sociopaths and it seems more extreme than my husbands behavior, but maybe not.

Some traits he DOES exhibit:
-Lack of empathy & shallow emotions. Will call me names, put me down/hurt my feelings and the next day just go on off to work and come home like nothing ever happened. He will be cruel to me and then pressure me to have sex with him. I will get in trouble again for not "showing enough emotion." I have always felt like he doesn't love me. Even when our son was born.. no "good job, babe, I love you so much." I have never seen him cry. His reactions to my being distraught about anything he has done or otherwise has always been very cold and distant.

-Extreme jealously. He HATES it when I spend time with friends, especially without him being there. He tries to control (if possible), every single thing I am doing with a friend, male and female alike, even when it is at home and in the other room. He gets very upset to know I have even talked to another man. He doesn't have many friends and rarely goes out if I am not with him.

-Smooth talker. He is amazingly smart, and initially charming. Seemed too good to be true.

-Scary. Manipulative, arguing with him is moot. It goes in circles and I feel like unless I agree with him it will go on incessantly. He has down that predatory stare. It gives me the creeps and I know when he is watching me. I feel like he has analyzed me to the point of knowing me better than I know myself. He knows how I react to things and has over the years come up with the exact things to say to defuse the situation and make it seem like it was no big deal. He has never hit me, but he has grabbed me and shaken me. Or when I, trying to defuse or leave a really bad argument have tried to hide, he wont let me leave or blocks my exit. It is like he HAS to be heard and acknowledged and seen as right in order to let something go.

-Violence. Again he has never hit me, he is very careful with his actions with everything he does. Once upon a time he did break another man's nose for saying something sexually explicit to his cousin. He didn't even wince, it was like an automatic response for him. Just a big hit with his elbow to this guy's nose and then my husband kept on walking.

-Blame game. Everything is my fault or someone else's. He always reverts blame to someone other than himself. The times he shook me he says he had to because I was going to throw something at him. (not true)


Reasons he might just be a jerk and not a sociopath:
-Holds down a well respected, well paying job.
-Great with finances. Very smart.
-No criminal background that I am aware of.
-Does admit he is wrong, when he knows I am irate to the point of wanting to leave him. This might be a reason he IS a soc, but currently he is "admitting" to having a problem. I feel though that he only says what he thinks I want to hear. He slips up way too often for this to be true. It often feels like his conscious is just missing. I don't know how many times I have said, How could you do that to someone you love?


Just needing some advice here guys. Not sure how to bring this up with anyone. And scared about actually leaving this man. I honestly don't know what he is capable of if pushed far enough. Words of wisdom?

He certainly sounds like a sociopath, or maybe a narcissist.
My ex was narcissistic he had loads of friends and held down a job. Outsiders thought he was harmless, friendly a good laugh, but behind closed doors he was controlling, spiteful aggressive, always blaming me for everything.
One of my biggest regrets was marrying this loser and not divorcing him pretty darn quick.

Both my 'parents' had been narcs so I didn't recognise those Red Flags.

The fact your husband has never been in trouble with the police suggests narcissism to me.

Sociopaths are often well-placed in society, either in positions of power or have high-paying jobs. This is a reason why he MIGHT BE a sociopath, not just a jerk
His intelligence and charm are also reasons why he might be a soc, and apparently the more intelligent they are, the more intense the disorder is and the more damage it causes.

Lacking a certified medical diagnosis you only have your gut to rely on, and more often that not listening to it could be your salvation in what clearly is a very stressful situation for you.
Many of us on this forums did not listen to our inner voice when it told us to run, and we now regret it.

I suggest you keep on reading this forum, read as much as you can and try to understand as much as you can about him. Also talk to a therapist, both to understand more about this and also to understand more about yourself.

kittensmittenz wrote:And scared about actually leaving this man. I honestly don't know what he is capable of if pushed far enough.

Have you made plans on what you will do when you leave? Make sure you have somewhere safe to stay, preferably with someone to support you such as a friend or family member.

There may be services in your area that will offer emotional and practical support to women who want to leave abusive relationships. That could mean having a counsellor to talk to, or having someone help you to find accommodation or to take care of your son for a few days. So ask around to see what help is available.

Try to put yourself in a less vulnerable situation before you announce you are leaving him. Have a plan to keep safe and put the wellbeing of your son and yourself first. That way if he does take the news badly, he will be less able to take his anger out on you.

(Basically do the research on what you can do and what help is available to you, rather than on what he is. Focussing on him is not helping you to get anywhere. And reading about sociopaths or narcissists won't tell you what he is capable of. You already know you fear him; that is enough.)

Stay safe & good luck.

I don't know if he has a disorder or not, but he sounds very abusive. Abuse tends to worsen in severity over time, and the main issue here has to be your safety.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be the most dangerous time, so you will need to plan your exit carefully.

This link from the Domestic Violence Forum may help you to plan your exit. Please let us know how you get on.
domestic-abuse/topic11734.html