Myriad of Concerns and Questions (Non-Diagnosed BPD)

So I just got done talking with someone very, very near to me. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD (she refuses to go see a therapist, claims it makes things worse), but she displays all but one (Impulsive and risky behavior) of the key signs. She has major bouts of depression and even self-harms sometimes. We used to be together, but due to distance, and my jealousy combined with not trusting her (completely unfounded since she did nothing to make me not trust her) made us drift apart. At first I was relieved, happy to be out of a seemingly unloving relationship. Then I came to realize that all the problems we had came from me, and wanted her back. She is unsure, and we are in a limbo right now. My jealousy has been cropping up lately with guy friends she has been hanging out with lately. So that's sort of the backstory, guess I should ask my questions and list my concerns.


1) She never will tell me what's wrong. Ever. We are close, even after breaking up, but no matter what she won't tell me what's got her down. She'll give me a sad face, I'll ask what's wrong, and she won't tell me. I don't like to prod, since it makes things worse. Is this normal?

2) She closes herself off from me at times, and shuts down if I say anything upsetting whatsoever. Again, normal?

3) I understand BPD has major mood swings, but sometimes she's happy, and a minute later she's depressed and near suicidal. It's honestly hard for me to keep up, and remain the "positive one".

4) Self-harm and suicidal talk. How much is talk, and when should I be worried about it? I was always taught if someone mentions suicide, they are ready to do it. However, she has said this sort of stuff before, and the next day she's better (not always happy, but better...). I would love both to stop, but right now at this point, I don't think that's going to happen.

5) Any tips on how to alleviate her burdens and "demons" when she hits a bad time (for whatever reason) would be wonderful.

6) I spent an hour a bit ago, comforting her, giving her all my love, saying how much I cared about her, assuring her that I'm here and not going anywhere. Honestly, it's exhausting. I need a break sometimes, but when she's like this I get really worried and don't want to leave... but at the same time, I want to leave because I just have trouble keeping my mood up and staying positive and continuing to give her comfort. Am I a bad person for thinking this?

7) As I said, we broke up, and are now in limbo after admitting I messed up and want her back. Assuming she has BPD, keeps daily contact, confides in me nearly everything (see #1), and makes it seem like I'm leaving forever whenever I say good night... what are the chances the relationship can be mended? I've heard once you get on a BPD's "bad" side, you are stuck there. But the above seems to indicate that I'm not "bad" in her mind.


I'm sorry if #7 sounds selfish at all, but I love her. I'd do almost anything for us to be back together, when we were extremely happy. I know I need help with my own trust issues (I just don't know how to do that, don't see how therapy can help you trust more...), and once those are gone I feel like life and love will get better. And no, I can't just "go see her". I really don't have the spare money to fly out there (enough bills to pay), and I'm afraid that since we are in limbo, it would make things worse.

She is one of the most wonderful (if not the most) people I have had in my life, and always want to have. I'd love for her to be by my side, taking all of life's ups and downs together. Yes, I've heard wedding bells, and would love to marry her one day. Whether or not she has BPD, whether or not it can be "cured"... doesn't matter. I love her, want to be with her, and want to help her. Please respond.