Men with dysfunctional r'ships with moms - please help

For a long time I've been aware of my tendency to date men who are the youngest-child and have bad relationships with their mothers. One of them constantly projected his mother's unhealthy feelings, emotions and thoughts onto my mother; one freely admitted that he liked to play games with women; and another one is just downright misogynistic - and those are just a few examples of their, well, unpleasantness.

None of them were ever willing to let on a lot of details about how they were treated by their moms when they were younger but it seems like they (moms) had/have narcissistic traits. One of my ex's parents is into bestiality - ex caught them in action but I just can't seem to assess how much (or little) it scarred him. Strangely enough their older siblings didn't turn out the way my exes did... Older bro's and sis are all married or in happy relationships with stable jobs and all that.

My shrink and I are working to resolve my codependency issues: I was precocious and parentified as a child and that offered an explanation as to why I tend to take responsibility for my partners' feelings. However this knowledge does not satisfy my curiosity about what actually happened to them when they were children, what did their moms do, how they see the opposite sex and what they expect in a relationship. For example, to this point I really don't know if the push-and-pull game was driven by a fear of intimacy or sheer sociopathy.

I would love to hear from anyone who can relate with my exes. I'm sorry if I'd come across as patronizing; I really am just asking for a favor because I'm in a rough process of a breakup and trying not to fall into depression. You know, understanding facilitates acceptance.

OrangeHole wrote:...However this knowledge does not satisfy my curiosity about what actually happened to them when they were children, what did their moms do, how they see the opposite sex and what they expect in a relationship. For example, to this point I really don't know if the push-and-pull game was driven by a fear of intimacy or sheer sociopathy.

I would love to hear from anyone who can relate with my exes. I'm sorry if I'd come across as patronizing; I really am just asking for a favor because I'm in a rough process of a breakup and trying not to fall into depression. You know, understanding facilitates acceptance.

My rambling response -

On some level there is really not much to understand. By analogy - if you spank a dog on the nose every time the dog wants to go outside eventually they'll cringe and avoid going outside.

The difference is as humans we have tremendous intellectual capacity too, so can introspect, go back over old memories, and intellectually understand our own reactions. Eventually we become old enough we can move away from our mothers; the space away from her, and time spent around others helps, but still - our ability to 'think' about what happened doesn't entirely change that our earliest memories and reactions have been affected and shaped by someone who had tremendous power to affect us at a time in our life when we had no intellectual/emotional capacity to evaluate or defend our egos.

Therapy and introspection can help but the emotional reactions will likely take a life-time of working on it. Triggers can remain.

Sometimes people mean well and want to help, though sometimes they want to help because on some level they are thinking 'if only I could help they'll love me forever'. That's okay but it's important to be honest with what you are getting out of it too.

The support can go both ways though, appreciated and wanted, but also trigger old memories. Sometimes it's that the man has unspoken hostility for mother, but couldn't or won't take out that anger on mom because to do so brings up the even harder to accept possibility that mom had limited capacity for love (that further negatively reflects on the boy/man's ego).

Exactly how the man is affected will vary. It depends on his innate personality and his mother's. Really no different then women who are negatively affected by a parent with issues.

Hi xdude thanks for your post.

xdude wrote:On some level there is really not much to understand

I feel exactly the opposite. There was one time my ex said that my room was the best place to visit in <the country where I live> and asked "Do you know why?" I tried to be cheeky by saying "Because it has me!" and then he suddenly became hostile and 'warned' me not to feel so 'superior'. I guess, I posted because I wanted to know how such remarks as what I said were processed and perceived by them because most of the times it is the seemingly innocent things that triggered fights and eventually emotional abuse.

Really no different then women who are negatively affected by a parent with issues.

Of course! Didn't mean to be sexist by the title of this thread. I, a female, have problematic relationship with my parents. The whole thing about process of introspection vs possible failure to move away from the past is completely understandable and relateable to me - but that does not mean that I understand the background of my exes' characters.

Sometimes people mean well and want to help, though sometimes they want to help because on some level they are thinking 'if only I could help they'll love me forever'. That's okay but it's important to be honest with what you are getting out of it too.

Explored this issue - I was left out at school and I was 16 I was dumped just shortly before I started rehab (after which I recovered and had no relapse until now) and the resentment about him not waiting a little longer and being there while I was trying to recover from addiction scarred me badly, so whenever I come across people like my ex (cynical, problematic, misunderstood) I immediately projected my (past) helplessness onto them. I always feel compelled to be a martyr, you know, be someone who would stand by them no matter how dangerous and awful they could be. If it weren't for my newborn child I would probably still be keen on indulging in these projections and perpetuating the pattern.

All these things aside, yes, I'd feel better if I could understand the odd bits within my relationship, so I thought maybe I should hear from anyone who can identify with the characters described in the OP. You know, when s*** happens to you, you'll feel better knowing how and why, and understanding all other factors next to your negligence or plain s***ty personality. Because then you'll have something to understand, ruminate over until you can eventually accept the whole thing. And when you understand all the factors that endorse the disaster, you're able to conclude the significance of your contribution and save yourself from the extremities of self-victimization and self-blaming...

Not sure if I'm seeking for a convenient truth, but if it turns out to be inconvenient I guess hey I can learn from that too.

OrangeHole wrote:I would love to hear from anyone who can relate with my exes. I'm sorry if I'd come across as patronizing; I really am just asking for a favor because I'm in a rough process of a breakup and trying not to fall into depression. You know, understanding facilitates acceptance.

I can relate although i'm not the youngest child. My mother is an HPD and wasn't emotionally available during my childhood. Combined with the fact she was over-caring resulted in the fact that i also developed PD problems (Avpd).

From a psychological perspective, according to my shrink, i tend to seek out to 'relive' that emotionally instability in the relationship i have with women. In other words, i'm inclined to feel highly attracted to instable women (BPD, NPD) and although i have been in long term relationships i'm easily seduced by these types of women and tend to fall in 'love' at just the slightest hint of attention.

Obviously this led to unfaithful behavior (and actually cheating is irrelevant, it's also the thoughts, fantasies). And not being 'happy' in the relationships, and/or expecting to be emotionally rejected by women perhaps led to some misogynistic behavior. Note, i'm a very sweet giving guy and love to be around women, but in some cases if my partners behavior is not absolutely perfect i was inclined to belittle them, or just downroad insult them (unintentionally, i couldn't control myself).

Now i'm older and learned how destructive this is and actually (emotionally) abusive i can control my emotions more but still the thoughts pop up now and then in relationships.

My last long term girlfriend (7 years), due to some miracle (i.e. not BPD) was co-dependent as well, and such a partner is actually the best match for someone seeking out emotionally unstable environments: by being there no matter what. The painful irony is that a person like me can be aware that it's a good stable relationship but get bored.

Interestingly, ALL my relationships have been with women who had father-issues, either the father left early in teen-hood, commited suicided or died.

Hopes this helps, ask more if you want to.

OrangeHole wrote:...I really am just asking for a favor because I'm in a rough process of a breakup and trying not to fall into depression. You know, understanding facilitates acceptance.

Orange for whatever it's worth, these forums are full of posts from people like yourself (myself included) who find some solace in better understanding our ex/current partner's reasons for thinking/feeling like they do.

It does help to a degree to understand them for sure. Hopefully in time you find enough answers to feel satisfied. Ultimately we really can't help others and sometimes by being enmeshed in their issues we (unintentionally) make things worse. It's too bad but as long as someone is supported there is often little motivation for someone with issues to make a decision to change and get professional help. A big advantage a professional has is that they are not emotionally involved so can remain neutral.

OrangeHole, you might want to look into the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic. The youngest child seems to be more likely to be the Golden Child. My brother is a GC and has never had any success with women (maybe he's gay, but I doubt it). Our BPDMom still does his laundry, feeds him and sometimes even acts like his secretary. He's in his 30s.

Myself, I'm the oldest and the family scapegoat. I was treated horribly by my BPDmom. Psychological, verbal and physical abuse. I ran away once, but realized I had nowhere to go. I caused trouble in school, did all kinds of drugs, but still maintained decent grades.

When I was in my teens I had weird sexless relationships with girls who were interested in me (I was strictly auto-erotic because I feared rejection). I sometimes had sick fantasies about girls too. More than once I turned down a girl who asked me for a date, and I don't know why (looking back I almost want to punch myself).

Then when I was a bit older, just after high school, I actually let my guard down and started seriously dating and having sex. At least for me, once I got over my "fear of girls" I turned out to be fairly normal and even vanilla in my ways. I'm in a long-term marriage, and I'm happy because my wife is eager to serve my needs and doesn't want children.

Every woman I ever went out with was crazy in some way and had Daddy issues (including my wife).