Keeping safe, healthy and strong if you're a non

Hi, my name is "themis"-I'm new here. My almost 19 year old daughter and I are in a toxic, co-dependent relationship. I have been clean for two years. She uses heroine, crack and meth, and sells herself to get money. She also panhandles. She has stolen from me many times, and I often kick her out of my house. Then she comings knocking on my door, a week later, crying because she is having yet another crisis. My heart breaks and I feel compelled to comfort and nuture my 19 year old "baby". Then I get burned again-and we go around and around on our psychotic merry go round...

Yes-it is my fault. I shouldn't allow her back. But I can't stand it when she cries. It breaks my heart, esp because she recently was raped because she was in a bad neighborhood buying heroin. She does not have the presence of mind to know when she is in danger. She also has been robbed and could of avoided it happening. But she gets, and looks, VERY HIGH all the time...

I will soon attend AL ANON meetings here in Chicago. I know logically, letting her back in is not in my best interest. She costs me money, buys, sells, breaks and loses things, and my husband and I fight when she stays with us. She refuses free counseling I am able to get her. She does nothing to better her life. No school, no working, nothing....

WHAT DO I DO WHEN SHE KNOCKS ON MY DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHE SHE HAS A CRISIS AND YET ANOTHER SOB STORY? DO I OPEN THE DOOR AND TELL HER NO? OR SHOULD I KEEP THE DOOR CLOSED? SHE NEVER GIVES UP. SHE WILL KNOCK ALL NIGHT AND RING THE BELL ALL NIGHT TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS. I AM DESPERATE!

Hi Themis,
I am no expert but I see different options to change things for your daughter and yourself.
First, congratulations on being clean and sober for two years. It all starts there.

for your daughter I think it has to start there as well. she has got to get clean and sober and being that she is so apparently deep in drugs she will need rehab in a center ( in-patient) or intense outpatient.
1) maybe you can sit her down at the table and tell her that there is no future with drugs and that she needs to seek help and that you can help her with that ( address, contacts etc..). she follows through and that goes well, hopefully.
2) she doesn't respond to that and you turn your back on her and tell her that she cannot knock on your door anytime she wants or that you will call the cops.
3) If nothing works you go No Contact with her and pray God almighty that she makes it on her own. hopefully she soon does a crime, gets picked up and goes to jail long enough that she can sober up and get counseling in jail and continue her personal work after she gets out.
4) maybe she is not too deep in drugs and the judge tells her to join the military or go to jail for three years. It worked for an acquaintance of mine and he never screwed up after that and has a good life.
I would advise that you be tough with her but not so though that she would go kill herself. I understand she's your baby always and that's why you want to help her stay alive.
I'm no expert and I hope others have things to say to help you.
Good luck

So grateful for what you wrote.
I found this forum tonight because I feel so isolated and overwhelmed. I have been "ugly" crying because parenting someone who struggles with mental illness is so hard.
I have been very supportive of my kids, mentally ill or healthy, in getting them what they need to thrive and feel comfortable in their skin.
I have listened, attended whatever I am told to attend, been willing to do the hard things etc.
Somehow I still end up thinking it will earn them or me stability and happiness. I grew up in a really bad way and have worked very very hard to grow and change and heal. This was top on my list as a parent in providing a safe and loving home for my children and myself and spouse.
I can't seem to escape the feeling I have failed.
I know intellectually that mental illness is nature and nurture sometimes exclusive and sometimes both.
I feel like I have taken so many hits to my heart and sense of confidence and that the 17 year old I parent will never succeed in feeling good about herself or comfortable in her own skin.
I am resentful that instead of being at a friends birthday party tonight I am home in front of a screen crying so hard I think I may hyper ventilate and wishing my life was over and I could give up.
I am resentful that little sister can't seem to have anything either. That happiness is punished in this house.
I am glad there is somewhere to come and say this with a reasonable expectation that other families and SO's will understand, and maybe even benefit from it.

Thanks for this

My wife has an awful case of BPD and it has made me suffer for years. I have a small child with her which I truly believe is why I stay with her even though she is constantly in fight mode and im constantly seeking flight. I just recently learned about this disorder and wish I would have known back then what I know now. It is so important that victims of bpd receive help or have a support outlet. I started thinking that I was an abuser, amoungst other things for things I had no memory of. My reality became so distorted because hers was... and I feared losing my career due to her threats and her campaign against me to everyone I knew, coworkers, friends, parents, etc. She constantly threatened taking my son away from me forever, and both physically and mentally abused me in ways I do not care to post. I did not seek any help, I took the blows for the sake of my son. I do so now as well and will continue to do so for his sake though she will not receive any help. 2 years ago I was so confused, so saddened by my loss in a partner, friend, and companion... coupled with a fear of impending doom caused by her threats and abuse... that I purposely drove my car into a cement median at 83 mph. I did it in this fashion so that my life insurance policy would be there to take care of my son in my absence. had I known then what I know now... I would have realized that there are others out there that feel what I feel on a daily basis. thank you for sharing your experiences because it helps me cope with what I have experienced and what I have yet to struggle with in the future

Hi startropic,

Much agreement that the NON partners can be left utterly confused, and hurt to a degree that they just want it to stop. If you think it would help you, maybe starting your own topic here would benefit you/others too.

startropic,

So sorry you have had to suffer so much. The SOFF forum (Significant Others Family and Friends forum under the blue "General" tab, scroll down to the bottom) has many posts from those who have/ have had relationships with a disordered person. You're welcome to read there and post if you wish.

Hey, I'm new here.

Just wanted to say this is a great thread - thank you all for your contribution

I've bookmarked this sub-forum to make me more likely to remember to visit regularly as I think it will help.

It's comforting to see that there are many other people who struggle at times with their BPD loved one too.

My heart goes out to all of you, as well as the people with BPD that you care about.

Mark

I am glad to have found this post. I am out of a relationship with diagnosed borderline personality disorder. I feel a huge sense of guilt and despair. I miss the person I fell in love with but feel a sense of relief to not have to deal with the anxiety of day to day life with this person.

Since our split, my ex has not gone away. She has maintained constant, unwanted contact for almost 4 months. I finally broke my silence and told her to please stop once again. She would go between telling me how much she loved me to that she hated me. She's trying to date again after 4 months of silence from me, which hurts me, but I know she's doing it to manipulate me when she tells me she wants to be with me and only is doing it to force herself to move on.

These resources have helped me realize that my actions did nothing to cause the demise and ultimate breakup. But I could not take it anymore. The suicide threats, the petty fighting, the blow ups over nothing, the mood swings, the infidelity accusations, the refusal to believe I wasn't a bad person despite all the evidence otherwise.

The saddest part of this, to me, is she has no support system that will encourage her to continue with help. Her family does not care. Her friends are toxic and blame me for her behavior. She'll never get herself in a good place, and I have to come to grips with it. I can't fix her. It's too unhealthy for me to try.

Hey southside,

Good to read you are in a better place.

She chose her friends, and she made her choices. Toxic? Yep, but that is what she chose, and she is not just a pure victim of her choices. No doubt she was given plenty of advice over and over, how to get her life together, and still she chose to screw it up.

There really is nothing you can do about that, whether she has chosen to be a brat, an emotional mess, a victim, to not grow up, or just to be disagreeable, she chose to screw her life up.

Whatever her reasons were/are, she knows everything that is knowable, and still she chooses to screw it up, so there really is nothing you can do.

p.s., you can take BPD out of the picture, and replace with Anti-Social Personality Disorder, a disorder that tends to be attributed to males. Notice something? No matter how much info they have, some of them still choose to screw their lives up and others. In fact the more info they have, the more they dig in their heals, I am not going to change ever, don't tell me what to do, and I am going to screw it up so get over it.

p.s.s some think BPD and AsPD are related, just a role different version of the same thing.

At some point you just got to go whatever, you chose this, and that is that, but I am not going to go down with you.