Keeping safe, healthy and strong if you're a non

Having a relationship, friendship or other form of prolonged contact with a person with any kind of emotional, personality or psychiatric disorder or addiction can sometimes be distressing, challenging, upsetting, confusing and even difficult for the healthy person. The healthy person may find that they have many conflicting and confusing views about their loved one, colleague or friend, and that two opposing ideas and view points can co-exist - ie resentment and love. They may feel a deep sense of guilt for having these feelings, and they may also repress their own sense of anger and frustration, causing underlying feelings of resentment that they may over compensate for or deny altogether.

This can be an isolating experience for the healthy person, and they may find that others who are not in their situation simply don't understand, or that they offer unasked for and misguided advice. Because of this sense of isolation, and because of a sense of misplaced "duty" or guilt, the non disordered person may find that they are spending more and more time in the company of the other person, and that their viewpoints, opinions and attitudes begin to affect them,and even infect them. They lose a sense of who they are as people, of what is healthy and "normal" and they may even find as a result of this that they begin to act in ways that are counter productive towards the health and wellbeing of the disordered person, becoming enablers and co dependents,trapped in a cycle of unhealthiness. The isolation can then begin to feed upon itself, and this can result in depression, emotional distress and psychological and psychiatric damage to the non disordered person.

It is very important to develop healthy boundaries and to create a sense of distinction and separation from the disordered person. This isn't always easy to do because of the insiduous nature of the dysunction. A healthy person may begin to lose sight of their own sense of objectivity, and may even come to depend upon the relationship in an unhealthy manner. Sometimes the disordered person may cling onto the healthy person because of their issues with dependency and neediness. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, it's important that the healthy person encourages a sense of autonomy in the disordered person, and that they spend time away from the disordered person, even if it's only in another room, doing things that they enjoy and that help to define them as people. Meditation, therapy, any form of creative expression can all help a person to define themselves, and these types of activities may also be beneficial for the disordered person - so long as they are undertaken separately.

It may be necessary to be firm and assertive, and if necessary to learn assertive techniques. As the healthy person begins to assert themselves, and separate themselves in a healthy manner, the disordered person may panic due to their own insecurities and fear of loss, and this may result in acting out behaviour, or appearing to relapse. As long as the person has adequate psychiatric and psychological care, with access to the emergency services if necessary, the other person's responses are NOT the responsibility of the carer. Firm reminders that they are still loved and that they are not going to be abandoned may be all that is needed. Somehow, they have to learn to take responsibility for their own responses, whether or not they are ill. Of course, in a true relapse, or in the case of suicidal ideation or behaviour, the carer should always seek the help of the emergency services, and threats of suicide should always be taken seriously and dealt with by a professional. It is NOT the job of a carer or significant other to try to talk another person out of suicide. This is going over and above their call of duty, can be dangerous for the suicidal person and it can be damaging to a carer or significant other to have to take on that kind of responsbility. They should ALWAYS refer their loved one to the professionals if they're suicidal

It's important that the carer/sig other has support. This can come from friends, relatives, agencies, social services, the psychiatric services, their own therapists, support forums, support groups, etc, and a Google search can help a person to find resources in their area. There is ALWAYS someone in a similar position, or who has been in that position, and knowing this can help a person to feel less alone. However, the WRONG type of support isn't helpful. This can come in the form of misleading information, ill informed advice, outsiders who take away a carers/ significant other's sense of competency and autonomy. A person should never be afraid to accept the support they're comfortable with and politely reject the kind of support that isn't
helpful.

A person involved with anyone who has a disorder may find that they go through a grieving process, similar to the process outlined here
relationship/topic84035.html

In effect, they HAVE been bereaved. They have "lost" the person their loved one might have been had it not been for the illness. They may have lost some of their own freedom and had to make huge compromises etc. The list is endless. A therapist can help a person to come to terms with this very natural process, and to find a healthy way forward.

Sometimes the healthy person may feel victimized by the disorered person who may say hurtful things, appear to manipulate, gaslight etc. If these feelings are very severe, and are affecting the person's sense of emotional safety and self esteem they should not be made to feel that they "Should" remain in the relationship, and they are not duty bound to do so. Nor should anyone remain in an environment where they are phsycially unsafe, and the police should always be called
if the person becomes violent. Having a mental illness does NOT excuse a person from acting in ways that are harmful to others, and if they are so ill that they're not deemed to be responsible for what they do or say, then they should be in hospital anyway. If the healthy person ever feels that they're so frustrated that they themselves might become violent or abusive, it's essential that they seek professional help and remove themselves from the situation.

I hope that people who identify with any of the issues I have talked about here can add to this thread, and that people can encourage and support each other.

Thank you for posting this

X

I really needed to see this tonight. I have been feeling a bit of guilt regarding my friend, who refuses to seek treatment. Not sure what his diagnosis might be, but that's another thread. I used to be the person to cling to someone because I felt that I could derive my happiness from them. I did this with my friend when we started dating, and eventually became romantically involved. He pushed me away because I became attached, and well...needy. I recognized my actions and started loving myself. It was then that I knew what true happiness was. He made me see my self destructive path, and the reasoning behind it, but yet he was so clueless to his own problems, only keeping them locked away because of shame.

A couple months ago, I decided that we needed boundaries, because I was tired of the push pull cycle that was giving me whiplash. I didn't know whether to hate him or realize that he wasn't himself. I decided to keep him in my life, but now it's gotten to the point where he is becoming the needy one, the one that wants me to stay the night, the one to come over everyday, the numerous phone calls, and emails. When we established healthy boundaries, we both agreed that it was for the best until he could figure out what was going on. In reality, he already knew that he had a problem. I choose to stay because I have grown to love him as my best friend, However, not sticking to these boundaries are going to wind up hurting me like before and I don't want that. It has gotten to the point where I feel that he is afraid of losing me, as he has no one else in his life besides his 2 brothers. I constantly reassure him that I do not judge, nor will I give up on him. I could never live with myself if I lose him.

Apart of me is so angry at him for not accepting the fact that he needs treatment for whatever he has, because it's killing him slowly, especially when Im not around. I can tell by his voice that he is in his low point, and we manage to talk on the phone for hours until he is sleepy. I am flooded with emotions; anger, guilt, disappointment, and fear. I am sticking to my word that I will never give up on him, but I can't be hurt in the process, by him pushing me away and running 800 miles away to another state when he can't handle life.

Thanks for the post

I can relate partially to the post above. I believe my partner is bpd (though undiagnosed as yet). But upon recognizing his potential disorder, ive started wondering if i am equally disordered as well or i am this way as a result of his behaviour? I dont want to give up either, i am committed to the end but i havent learnt to set proper boundaries. The recent glimmer of hope is that he has agreed to go for therapy together, im keeping my fingers crossed.

The push and pull cycles devastate me too. I believe i contribute to them, as in i enable them too. I think ive developed a defence mechanism that has allowed me to stick it out for this long, however ive realized that this is detrimental to both of us. I dont believe the fault is entirely on the disordered person. I believe that most of the time, my partner really cant help his thoughts and actions but if i can change the way i handle him, then perhaps a different outcome can be obtained. I cannot control the other person, i can only control myself. If i am stuck in the push n pull cycle (which has been repeating for 10years) and he is unable to control himself, then the only way to ascertain a different outcome would be for me to change my response,behaviour,action.

I woukd like to share an example, usually when i feel i am pushed to the extreme and things will never get better, i have a tendency to wanna leave to save myself. This usually leads to him going into "leave then, i dont care anymore" mode. This mode will then lead me to clinging to him. Few things ive recognized and accepted. Firstly, this is a feeling not a fact. I feel things wont get better, and if neither of us change the dynamic, likely this push pull cycle continues. This feeling is not a fact. The fact is, things can get better, if either of us approaches this in a different way. And the keyword here is EITHER. It takes 2 to remain in the cycle, but it only takes one person to react differently to break it. In my case, my partner is unlikely to be the one, so i take it upon myself to break this cycle. When i am threatened by bleak prospects, i try to control my urge to self defend. I accept that what he says rings true only at the time. I accept that he truly feels this way (at the time) because from track record his words and feelings swings all the time. So i accept this is true now and only now and i challenge myself to stop those defensive walls building and curb my tendency to escape. It is hard, very hard and even though this has proven to work a few times, its still hard to control myself and this defense built up over the years. I keep trying.

Secondly, ive learned that words are words and feelings are jus feelings. They are not facts (i stated above) They are true at the moment, but only at the moment. The fact is we are both committed to each other and neither wants to leave. That is favt. Accepting this is slightly easier not to judge and blame him once words, feelings, and truth changes. It could be a few hours latrr, the next day, the next week. But i do not hold him against his words uttered at the time otherwise i always end up feeling lied to, cheated. And i will consistently struggle with the inconcsistencies of his words, feelings and actions. It is really difficult, even with this rationale and mental, emotional acceptance, it is still a challenge when the truth keeps swinging. It still hits me like a thunderbolt each time it does. I hope therapy will help him and us.

Thirdly, ive accepted that his intentions not to harm me is genuine. In his own way i believe he does love me. It may not seem like he does, because why then would it hurt this much? But ive accepted that his perception of love is this way and if thats the only way he knows how to, then i believe he does love me. But i am not resigned to this for the rest of my life. I am concious that the love needs to be tweaked into a healthier kind of love for mutual happiness. I know he is unhappy but unable to think or act in any other way, no matter what. (For now before seeking help). This helps me to accept that he does care, albeit twisted way, the fact is he does love me. Even if it means he loves me because he needs me to love him, nonetheless he does love me. Also diffcult to accept this but just makes it ever so slightly easier to cope.

This is me sharing. Therapy is my beacon of light. After 10 years, i believe it can only go up from here. Wish us luck.

I am a person with BPD (and ADHD), that lives with two women, one had BPD, the other ADHD (with some BPD symptoms but not diagnosed).

I am involved as a support for various people (youth) with BPD and general significant emotional/behavioral issues.

So in regards to dealing with people that meet the above general criteria I am experienced, yet I do remarkably well with all these people in terms of generally avoiding drama.

So I just want to let people know, how I am towards these people with these problems, because I believe, that the way I act makes it much easier to get along with these people without conflict.

I am not at all authoritarian or controlling for one thing. I see myself as supportive and encouraging. I am completely not strict, with a relaxed attitude and expectation towards things, and I am very flexible and generally "not fussed" about matters that I do not consider are of real importance.

I always validate with reassurance, praise and general affection, and display a consistent empathy to the people I am involved with. I think this helps me very keep me strongly bonded to these people.

I always speak calmly, even softly towards everyone, and I am always "gentle" in expressing my opinions towards people.

Besides that I am just non-judgmental, tolerant and patient in my attitude towards these people. If someone does get upset, I will comfort them and calmly, rationally reassure them.

Its all pretty simple, but the above characteristics of my behavior towards really VERY challenging people, has enabled me to have a successful long term relationship with them all (there are several). My easy going, gentle ways, again not in any way strict in terms of rules, well this enables me to get along with no dramas with the two challenging women I live with. Again I will emphasis validation (praise, affection) and tolerance.

I am BPD, and while my relationships are friendships not sexual relationship, I really have no trouble getting along with various others that have been formally diagnosed with BPD, and certainly they come into significant others with other people.

I just thought my experience might offer some suggestions to other people dealing with people with BPD, and in general difficult behavioral/emotional characteristics. People with BPD do seem to respond well to a validating, reaffirming attitude, and do best in an environment which is minimal in pressure, with no strict rules or expectations of behavior. I basically am just supportive and let them do everything at their own pace, without pressure to meet many of the strict expectations that many people seem to have of others (one quick example, many people are quite strict in regards to house rules and expectation of cleanliness and chores being done etc. If you are the sort of person that has ritualistic expectations that people do a long list of various things such "always fill the kettle up after using" and at blah blah time always do blah blah, well in my experience that is not very compatible with the people I deal with!)

Wisedude, thank you for your input here.

However, this thread is intended to help the significant others to look after their OWN health and welfare, and keep emotionally safe, whilst being involved in a relationship with a disordered person. Your tactics about how to validate and help people with BPD are very useful, and I am sure that the significant others here have also developed their own strategies of giving help and support. You are missing the point of the thread, though.

This thread, as I said before, is intended to help the friends and relatives of those with a disorder to keep THEMSELVES emotionally healthy and safe, because they are constantly in a position of giving help and support, often at the expense of themselves.

You said

I am involved as a support for various people (youth) with BPD and general significant emotional/behavioral issues.

So in regards to dealing with people that meet the above general criteria I am experienced, yet I do remarkably well with all these people in terms of generally avoiding drama.

Can I remind you that no one on the forum can post from a professional stance? Professionals see their clients on an individual face to face basis, knowing and understanding the uniqueness of each situation, and for this reason being very aware of the dangers of advising en masse from a more generalized point of view.

Although our significant others might be disturbed, disordered, or mentally ill, that doesn't mean that the we the Non half should take away all their responsibilities and accountability. To do that is to also take away their human dignity.

Thank you Masq for this wise thread =)

I was able to remain fairly stable during my relationship with my bipolar ex. after an initial rather distressing learning curve. I met this man knowing that he was bipolar, although I didn't know everything that could entail. It's been said again and again, but...boundaries!

I did not live with him, as I realized pretty early on that this would be a mistake. He was quite emotionally and verbally abusive when manic, but never otherwise. Basically, I established that any abusive behavior when I was with him meant that I would immediately leave, and I followed through. This resulted on more than one occasion in me walking away from him on the street (he lived in a large city with transportation). I never actually abandoned him where he couldn't get home (I drove), but I would drop him off at his house and then leave. Abusive voicemails would not be answered. This did a little something to curtailing the abusivness, but not much. The point was to get me out of the line of fire, which it successfully did. Once you leave him standing there once (it is difficult) it becomes much easier that second time. It also made me feel more in control of the situation. He was never physically abusive and I was never physically afraid of him, but one time he did advance on me brandishing a flip flop. My cell phone was in my hand and when he asked me if I was going to call the police I stated that I was. I was actually waiting for an excuse to do this so I could establish that I was not his mother with his father (physically abusive to her, never reported).

Ultimately I think the key to my sanity (mostly) through this relationship was that I had to make clear that uncivilized behavior was not acceptable and act on it while at the same time respecting the mental illness. This is to say, understanding what is and is not possible when dealing with serious mental illness. I could have demanded that he stop all abusive communication, this would have lead to escalating fights and was never going to happen anyway. Since I did value the relationship for the non-manic times, I had to remove myself when things crossed my line. I found this to be a workable solution, but it requires a thick skin.

This is wise advice. I have found that in dealing with my beloved adult son's schizophrenia over 19 years, I initially fell victim to a co-dependent state, and a psychiatrist said (although this was relayed via my son) that my heavy involvement with him was due to either anxiety or guilt. I thought, well maybe it is love and a deep sorrow that he had this terribly disabling affliction. I finally had to put in some serious boundaries i.e. stopping him from living with me and/or turning up at my home, after some episodes of violence and realising how afraid of him I had become. But I stayed too involved with him for far too long, losing my assets and ending up with chronic depression myself. Not too bad now, although he can still upset me when, after a nice few hours together, I get a barrage of really nasty texts and telephone calls. But at least I don't have to try and pretend everything is normal at work anymore as I am now at last retired. It's just life, and as they say, worse things happen at sea!

Thank you for posting this. My fiancé is bipolar 1, I feel guilty sometimes for feeling resentful towards him. I love him and i'll always be fighting right by his side. Is there any way to advocate for better, more humane treatment of bipolar patients, because the last e.r. visit was messed up. I think I'm going to contact a lawyer....