got dumped by an HPD

[pwHPD: possible triggers. This thread moved to Significant Others, Family and Friends Forum under General Topics, with shadow thread left in HPD Forum - mod orion]

Hi all,

I'm a male and recently got dumped, only later to discover, by an HPD. Ofcourse i'm not a therapist but her vicious abusive manipulative passive-aggresive behavior was that irrational that only could've been demonstrated by a sociopath withouth any empathy whatsoever. This lead me to research and came to the HPD conclusion (also, she mentioned being in therapy for 'drama' stuff, we didn't discuss that in depth because, well, basically it was impossible to engage in deeper communication as she tried to keep every topic light and superficial).

To make matters worse i'm personally dx with Avoidant PD being overly sensitive to rejection AND extremely drawn to these drama type personalities (also because my mother is a dx HPD).

I won't go into the details of the misery i've been into the past 6 months, but suffice to say, it was a rollercoaster. But despite my own PD (and analyzing stuff in therapy) i refused to chase her like i know other men chased her, practicing push-pull myself.

When we did meet the tension created by the games and drama exploded and chemistry was through the roof in sort of ways i have never experienced in my life and making me believe what we had together was really special even though i knew she was seeing other guys, taking lots of drugs. It all felt that didn't matter when we were together.

But all meetings with her left me emotionally drained to the point of tears. Also i just couldn't understand how someone could act so cold apart, while, like said, it felt special to me.

I was very reluctant to show affection, but when i did for the first time (very gently) she went into No Contact mode for over a month (during i discovered i did in fact have deeper feeling for her). She reinitiated contact, came on VERY strong sexually, and in the period that followed i tried to keep things light and casual. UNTIL, in a weak moment i opened up indirectly after which she started to play passive-aggresive games (insinuating she was seeing other men for instance) for a couple of weeks.

As i didn't take her 'baits' (also because i just didn't observe the deeper meaning of the messages she was sending me, love makes blind right) she "broke" up with me not soon after. During that talk she was clearly very upset, saying she was very confused, liked me a lot, but was not sure if she was in love with me etc.

So why i'm i writing this here? Mainly, because i want some closure and as i'm not in contact with her i can't get it from her. And even if i could, that would be pointless.

What i'm really looking for is an HPDs perspective on the following:
1. Was our intense connection during our encounters totally fake, or just exaggerated, i.e. was there something there at all (from her point of view)?
2. How will she remember me, i know HPDs have the tendency to move on very fast to avoid dealing with the post-breakup depression. But in a few months time perhaps? will she see me as some guy she pushed around, or will she also remember me for who i was?
3. What are the chances she will (again) reiniate contact? She did mention we might be able to see each other very casually at some point, which i declined at first, but later i indicated she could contact me if she wanted. Note: i will not be the one who initiates anything so i won't be chasing her like she probably wants.
4. finally, IF she does contact me, should i confront her with her with passive-agressive #######4 games she has been playing?

Thanks in advance for reading!

Anyone?

i still hope i could get a HPDs perspective on this.

on a side note: i'm not judging anyone, like said, i'm a dx AVPD so please be frank

First of all, I'm a non. I can only base these opinions on my own experience with a pwHPD, and nearly a year's worth of putting the pieces back together and doing research on anything I could find to gain closure on my own. Background (short version): 7 year relationship, she moved in, we got married, had children, then out of the blue from my perspective she moves out of the county, files for divorce, and goes NC, and then 6 months later I obtain confirmation from a PhD psychologist that she has mental problems.... present day: My children are allowed to spend the night with me at their original home only 4 days a month.....

nom0re wrote:1. Was our intense connection during our encounters totally fake, or just exaggerated, i.e. was there something there at all (from her point of view)?

Not totally fake. She believed she loved you initially. Problem is, the romantic love from an HPD never transitions into mature love. The attention supply she was getting from you slowly became insufficient and eventually it was replaced with attention she was getting elsewhere.

nom0re wrote:2. How will she remember me, i know HPDs have the tendency to move on very fast to avoid dealing with the post-breakup depression. But in a few months time perhaps? will she see me as some guy she pushed around, or will she also remember me for who i was?

No clue, I'd love to hear an HPD's perspective on this as well..... I can tell you it's been almost a year since she left me and she hasn't shown any signs whatsoever of communicating with me in the best interests of her children. From my perspective, she took her own self-hatred and placed it squarely on my shoulders.... and she's sticking to it, regardless of how much it hurts them. Even the PhD shrink mentioned there's a risk of her seeking to meet her own needs at the expense of her children's.

nom0re wrote:3. What are the chances she will (again) reiniate contact? She did mention we might be able to see each other very casually at some point, which i declined at first, but later i indicated she could contact me if she wanted. Note: i will not be the one who initiates anything so i won't be chasing her like she probably wants.

Again no clue. I'd love to hear an HPD's perspective on this as well..... Shortly after telling me she had filed, my ex mentioned she wanted me to be a part of the children's lives. Since then, only about 15% of their total time is with me, 85% with her. I've also chosen to go NC with her for my own sanity, since unfortunately any attempt to communicate with her is immediately labeled as harassment. To this day I do not understand why she believes she hates me so much.

nom0re wrote:4. finally, IF she does contact me, should i confront her with her with passive-agressive #######4 games she has been playing?

In my opinion, absolutely. However be careful. If she's the aggressive, blaming, hostile, splitting type, her version of your shared reality may not match. The reason I get very little time with my children now is because she filled the Friend of the Court investigator full of lies without any evidence whatsoever. I am convinced she needs serious help. She, on the other hand, believes she is perfectly normal and everyone else is to blame for her failures in life.

Confrontation is not suggested at any stage, not even for a HPD-in-recovery. The best you can get would be a regretful HPD, and she will come to you, pointing fingers and blaming from your side will not do her any good, and none to you.

You have to understand that they live in a parallel universe in which whatever decision they make on the spot is justified and well-intentioned. If anybody gets hurt in this process it is not their fault. You cannot demonstrate the opposite to them, they will immediately construct an alternate-reality where you are somehow to blame for your own pain, it has nothing to do with them.

Confronting them will only incur pain on both her and yourself, and you will not get your closure. You can only find that inside you, this forum and a good therapist can help with that.

Branco wrote:If anybody gets hurt in this process it is not their fault. You cannot demonstrate the opposite to them, they will immediately construct an alternate-reality where you are somehow to blame for your own pain, it has nothing to do with them.

This is exactly what she did to me.... I'm eagerly awaiting the answer to the following question: Is it really possible for a pwHPD to repeat this painful process over and over and over again without themselves or the pwHPD's loved ones noticing inconsistencies between their alternate reality and the real one?

ridingthewtfbus wrote:

Branco wrote:If anybody gets hurt in this process it is not their fault. You cannot demonstrate the opposite to them, they will immediately construct an alternate-reality where you are somehow to blame for your own pain, it has nothing to do with them.

This is exactly what she did to me.... I'm eagerly awaiting the answer to the following question: Is it really possible for a pwHPD to repeat this painful process over and over and over again without themselves or the pwHPD's loved ones noticing inconsistencies between their alternate reality and the real one?

Found this today:

"Histrionics (similar to the Borderline Personality) may also exhibit a split between those prospective sexual partners who excite and stimulate sexual arousal and those who instead stimulate heartfelt affection. They have two very different sets of needs that must be met, and the nature of these two demands dictates that a single person rarely meets them. If they could have sincere affection and their sexual agenda satisfied, it would leave the Histrionic feeling vulnerable . . . and being vulnerable is too close to the scenario of their initial injury."

"Histrionics customarily long for an exciting but safe male to protect them. Seldom do “exciting” and “safe” occur in the same partner. They are therefore infamous for cultivating alternating relationships. In the first instance, they may play the coquette: naive, sweet, kittenish. In another setting they may play the vixen de luxe: the evil, man-eating seductress.

As with the Borderline, Histrionics may split and involve themselves with caring, older, but non-arousing men. Then suddenly they switch. They find themselves a cruel, mean, yet very stimulating man. For men, this tendency oftentimes indicates the “Madonna/Whore” syndrome. They block these inconsistencies and keep the cycle going, keeping the revolving themes of blackguard/victim and nurturing parent/helpless child going. These rapid shifts safely fulfill their desire for an idealized parent and the treatment of these parents as sex objects. This frequently indicates the actual scenario of their childhood. Sexual abuse is not uncommon."

So based on this it's indeed possible to repeat and repeat the cycle. HPD's switch between the different type of partners that furfill their needs temporary. What we must understand for them they are not alternate realities so empathically they see nothing wrong with it.