Is This Common? (possible HPD)

Diogenes575 wrote:Thank you all for the feedback.
This creates for me the paradox that I sit here missing what we had, while I have probably not crossed her mind at all.

For us 'nons' this is perhaps the most hurtful. We believe it was 'special' but the HPDs actions show otherwise from their perspective. But what you must remember they use their new supply also in part to avoid feeling of being hurt by the emotional detachment in the first place. So the HPD does miss (but not really the ex partner as a person, but more the sensation), but does everything to prevent to feel that way.

Related (not exclusively an HPD issue imo) is the state of cognitive dissonance. The HPD is not getting her kicks and instead of evaluating and/or adjusting their own behavior or emotions they 'decide' it's the partners fault. He's not worthy anymore of her, he's weak, and they start to hate him.

y5 posted something related about this:
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In my case this lead to her sending sexually insinuating pictures of her seeing other men. Baiting me for a reaction so she wouldn't have to deal with it on her iniative (which didn't work, because i refused to take the bait).

Diogenes575 wrote:My question to you is this, noOmore: you talk about the hurtfulness of the ex moving on to the next guy and you shield yourself by thinking that what you had with her was special. To an extent I am guilty of this myself, but I am wondering if this manner of thought is actually a deterrent in our healing. If we were to consider that we were in all likelihood just "next" in her game, wouldn't that hasten our own recovery?

Well. in my case we were never exclusive, or at least, we never expressed that and were what you could call just dating. So even in 'normal' circumstances i knew she might be seeing other people considering how socially active she was. Only later when i discovered she was an HPD i started to unravel the extent of the lies and sexual encounters.

It never really was an issue because of the perceived 'special' bond i always thought i would win her over and as i was lead on that i was furfilling all of her desires sexually and emotionally. It didn't even cross my mind at the time that after a hot date and having sex all night long she would be out there the next night dating one of the other guys.

You are probably right that we just should downplay the whole affair and by understanding HPD's that, yes, there was something there, but we were projecting our own feelings on the other person. But still, i had some dates after the breakup and all these woman just don't live up to the exitement of being with an HPD. So it really it's some sort of addiction we need to be cured of. And then, hopefully sooner than later, i can myself as 'just' the next guy.

Good words nomOre; thank you.

I am at almost two weeks of no contact, and I feel the illusion fading by the day. Between the lies, the bizarre tales, the flirting, and the anger, I know that this person never deserved me. She was given a Ferrari, and she treated it like a John Deere. I was simply next, regardless of the bouquets she lavished upon me, and embracing that reality has boosted my resolve and sped my recovery.

Stay strong brother, and Godspeed in your healing.

Diogenes575 wrote:Good words nomOre; thank you.

I am at almost two weeks of no contact, and I feel the illusion fading by the day. Between the lies, the bizarre tales, the flirting, and the anger, I know that this person never deserved me. She was given a Ferrari, and she treated it like a John Deere. I was simply next, regardless of the bouquets she lavished upon me, and embracing that reality has boosted my resolve and sped my recovery.

Stay strong brother, and Godspeed in your healing.

Exactly one month of NC now here, and after a week that i thought it was going better it's going for the worst now

I keep waking up in the middle of the night after only 4 hours of sleep, go to my computer, look at her Facebook page and pictures, looking at the pages of guys she just added, and start chainsmoking. After an hour or so i go to bed again and keep having this lucid dreams of her. Dreams where she is very close, it feel sooo good to be around her but then she suddenly dissapears.

I know i should just defriend her because everytime she post a statusupdate i get a mini anxiety attack, but on the other hand i'm still just hoping she casually will chat with me and i just talk to her a bit about what happened. I just don't feel the closure.

The weird thing is i just DON'T understand why my sad feelings are so intense right now. If i have been in a years long relationship with her i could imagine the intensity of the grief, but, after only 6!! months?? it just doesn't make sense.

Add to that i'm starting to blame myself for the stupid things i said because i ddin't realize she was HPD. Suckssuckssucks.

nom0re wrote:I know i should just defriend her because everytime she post a statusupdate i get a mini anxiety attack, but on the other hand i'm still just hoping she casually will chat with me and i just talk to her a bit about what happened. I just don't feel the closure

It takes time bro. Hang in there. Trust me, time will definitely heal the wound she left you with. And based on my experience I know it was deep. My recommendation would be to de-friend her immediately. As long as you are one of her FB minions, she knows she's got you and most likely won't reach out. I basically let go of the fantasy that she would come back about 6 months after she left, and I've gone virtually NC after that unless it's absolutely necessary to communicate with her out of fear that the courts will screw me over again simply for having male genitalia.

Nom0re I feel your pain. You are not alone. I want to share with you one of my favorite posts which helped me a ton, right around that 6 month period. It was from a guy who had finally reached the point of total detachment from his ex w/HPD. I hope you find it helpful as well

histrionic-personality/topic56748.html

nomOre,

Ridingthewtfbus is absolutely right: you MUST stay away from her on social media as well. It only serves to empower her and hurt you.

I am very much in touch with the sporadic sleep/haunting dreams issue, as I am riding that one right now myself.

I tend to feel much better after a good run or session in the gym. Try to take care of yourself: exercise your mind, body, and spirit and let Father Time do the rest.

Be strong man.

Ridingthewtfbus is absolutely right: you MUST stay away from her on social media as well. It only serves to empower her and hurt you.

Agree 100%. With an HPD woman you loved, visual triggers are the most potent. No contact means no contact. Eliminate ALL triggers.

I am very much in touch with the sporadic sleep/haunting dreams issue, as I am riding that one right now myself.

This is the brain working things out. Unless you have recurrent nightmares, just let it all unwind and dissolve by itself.

I tend to feel much better after a good run or session in the gym. Try to take care of yourself: exercise your mind, body, and spirit and let Father Time do the rest.

Exercise is a wonderful stress relieving and healing activity (kickboxing is most awesome). Exercise also helps you sleep! Stay away from cigarettes, too much caffeine, alcohol, and any un-prescribed drugs while you are on "your way back to you," post-HPD relationship. Do drink plenty of water. Stay from television or films with heavy romantic or sexual themes. Go out with other women, even if you aren't ready for sexual intimacy...besides male friends, find a healthy female friend who is secure enough in herself to honestly consider and evaluate disordered behavior in the HPD woman you knew.

Be strong man.

Amen, brothers

Diogenes575 wrote:Thank you all for the feedback.

noOmore, I agree with you. I am quite certain that she was already into her next "supply" when things ended between us, and I would venture to guess that jumping immediately into the next romantic/sexual situation mitigates any hurtful feelings that may arise for her. This creates for me the paradox that I sit here missing what we had, while I have probably not crossed her mind at all.

My question to you is this, noOmore: you talk about the hurtfulness of the ex moving on to the next guy and you shield yourself by thinking that what you had with her was special. To an extent I am guilty of this myself, but I am wondering if this manner of thought is actually a deterrent in our healing. If we were to consider that we were in all likelihood just "next" in her game, wouldn't that hasten our own recovery?

There's a great book called ‘Emotional Vampires’ it does an excellent job of breaking down all of the PD’s including HPD. Thankfully I am over mine have been for a while now. I really only stop by these forums now when I'm board or think I might have something helpful to pass onto others. So most of know the common traits that they stop maturing emotionally at a young age (hence the childlike behavior and inability to apologize, they never say they are sorry only that they know they were wrong but it was your actions that caused them to behave in a hurtful or inconvenient way toward you), have no empathy can drop you like a dime and never look back (especially if they are very attractive and have a huge supply or fan club or both). They mirror you in the beginning of the relationship pull you in quickly and once they have you that’s where the real fun begins (sarcastic).
Let’s go back to the fact that initially they mirror you, in your eyes they are perfect but that’s only because they are essential YOU. It’s hard to hate yourself. Sure they have their quirks that you think makes them enduring, funny or cool and unique but make no mistake they are master manipulators and have no real sense of themselves only of what they have learned will get them attention be it good or bad. When it really started to become easier for me during the NC healing (withdrawal) process and what ultimately set me free is when I came to understand and accept them for what they truly are: They are shells of human beings, they don’t have a sense of self, they have never allowed themselves to exist, they have to become whatever t is around them in order to survive (fear of abandonment, lack of attention etc, etc) they have never really allowed themselves to be who they truly are. Which is one of the reasons why we will never break through to them, they won’t let us get to the next level emotionally or whatever because they don’t have any substance beyond what you see and that scares the hell out of them, defense mode.

So when I started to understood that the woman (shell of a human being) I thought I loved, that I was in gut wrenching emotional withdrawal over wasn’t really real, that’s when I began to truly start the healing process. I remember people coming up to me and saying they were old friends with my exhpdgf and didn’t I used to date her? I’ll never forget my response and when I knew I was going to be okay when I blurted out ‘She doesn’t exist’ turned and walked away, I said it with such quickness and conviction because I knew it was the truth, deep down I always knew there was something off about her, I would make excuses as to why I didn’t want to hang around certain friends that would judge her because I didn’t want her to prove them right because I wanted to continue with this empty person to get her back to what she was when we first started dating etc etc.

The point I’m making is the sooner you can accept that everything you had with them was all a mirage, that they were never real and are incapable (the vast great majority of them) of change, the sooner you can move on because my friends that is the only closure you’re ever going to get. And NC is a must an absolute MUST, I used to think it would be great to have her as a friend in my life, but as the FOG cleared and I truly understood what I was and had been dealing with I realized if I ever saw her again it would be TOO Soon!

Hope that helps because that is what brought me back to the world and now I’m happy and drama free loving life!


Costa!

Oh and one more thing to add… regarding the sex they mirror us in the beginning I also have to believe that they do the same with sex I’ve heard a lot of them don’t even like it, I would assume because in the honeymoon stage they really don’t enjoy it they are only responding to what makes us feel great. By doing so we initially get all of our needs met but then sex becomes the carrot and it becomes fewer and further between. I used to think that it was great sex but really that was probably a mirage too. I t just always seemed too easy like I didn’t have to work to please her, it seemed everything I did was awesome to her. Again chalk that up to an HPD because I have to assume the sex was all a mirage as well.

costadelmar wrote:It just always seemed too easy like I didn’t have to work to please her, it seemed everything I did was awesome to her. Again chalk that up to an HPD because I have to assume the sex was all a mirage as well.

I experienced this very early in the relationship and then later on it was the exact opposite. Tough to satisfy a mind that is insecure with itself. Regardless, my new girlfriend is incredible and I'm thankful my exHPD didn't waste any more of my time.

Great posting Costa. You have encapsulated the matter about as well as I've read.

I often think of a line by Christian Bale's character in "American Psycho" that sums up the HPD: "I simply am not there."

Cheers all,


Diogenes