My Daughter (BPD question)

My daughter who is now 26 has BPD.
My daughter has a long history of self esteem issues, but that is only the tip of the iceburg.
SHe now has 3 children by 3 different men and is married to yet another, who himself is Schizophrenic,
He wants nothing to do with the children. And really has nothing to do with them except disciplining.
them.
The 2 girls have been molested in her care, she was living in Motels and artying. They ended up with me for 5 years, until she met a counselor who told her she didnt have to listen to DYFS, a Judge can over rule them.
She actually told a judge I was homeless, and he gave her the custody back, bringing them to now!
I am the only person who is always there for her, Im so afraid one day shell turn around and feel she has noone, and do the worst..
But Im also fearful for those kids.
They live in fear. My daughter and her hubby are u in their room 24/7 online and partying.
The kids "live downstairs" no supervisions, the curtains are down, garbage all over.
We buy them clothes and food.
She gets support but it goes to their smokes or whatever she wants.
My youngest daughter has witnessed the hubby, stomping on the 8 and 6yr old for not going to bed, with his work boots on.
He also has hit my daughter.
I cant fathom that she doesnt care how these kids are living..and she makes u horrible stories about me, to justify hating me, even thoug as I said Im the only one whos always there.
AS you can see I worry about all of them, her and the kids, IS THEIR TRULY NO LOVE IN HER HEART??
She is very manipulative, doesnt keep friends longer than maybe 2 yrs at most.

She had a fairy tale childhood she really did, I once asked her why she was so angry with me, she said because I had her sister! I had to watch her with her because at 3yrs old she kicked her in the stomach across the room once. (the older one was 10)

WHat are parents to do? Ive had her in counseling, nothing works, she just goes day to day..living in the moment and keeping with her hubby up in that little room. Its no life at all for any of them.

As there is clear violence in this case and neglect, it's essential that you contact social services. I know that you might not particularly want to to this, and that you may feel as if you are betraying your daughter or putting your relationship with her in jeopardy, but the kids welfare must come first. Social Services can handle this sensitively and it might be possible for you to seek custody of them. Please don't leave this matter unresolved because the kids safety and also that of your daughter, is at stake.

masquerade wrote:As there is clear violence in this case and neglect, it's essential that you contact social services. I know that you might not particularly want to to this, and that you may feel as if you are betraying your daughter or putting your relationship with her in jeopardy, but the kids welfare must come first. Social Services can handle this sensitively and it might be possible for you to seek custody of them. Please don't leave this matter unresolved because the kids safety and also that of your daughter, is at stake.

SOcial services has been invoved since the first child..Ive even asked the courts to supervise..I am working on it, but in my state taking the kids from their Mother is difficult.. DYFS warns her when they will be coming, and she acts according ling. They know both diagnosis .. They also know we keep an eye on her.. My daughter sometimes doesnt let us see the kids, her husband dislikes us.. so he gets angry when we go to his house, but Ill just show up if noone has seen them for a bit.
My fear is it will only take one instance and something terrible will happen, but I have no prof right now.
Even my daughters testimony is hear say, and if we force it and loose, she will keep us from the kids longer.
She uses it for punishment,

What an awful situation. I can see why you're concerned and how helpless you feel. It seems as if Social Services are aware of the situation and your concerns, and that you've done everything that you can do. It might be worth asking them if they can make surprise visits so that they can assess the situation more thoroughly and gain a more realistic picture of the situation.

In the meantime, keep the channels of communication open between you and her kids. Offer to babysit frequently. She might actually be glad of the chance to have the time to herself, especially as it seems that she is not taking her parental responsibilities seriously. This could actually be to the benefit of the kids, as they are clearly happier, and safer, when they are with you, away from their home environment.

I'm at a loss as to what to suggest here in regards to keeping the kids safe as you're doing all that you can and Social Services are already involved.

When the kids see me, they always ask to stay over, and then dont want to leave.
We always have to bath them immediately, and was everything they come with.

Its so bad, that I had a nightmare that her husband set the kids on fire in their hallway, my daughter in the dream pulled her middle child away from the fire and said, NOT this one.. and let the others burn.

I do not have vivid horrible dreams like that and it scared me.

They say things like "MOm MOm is Love", and "Mom Mom makes everything clean even us! Its heartbreaking, and I know I cant give up on them.

My original question was actually, does she really not have any love??? I do not really understand the disease, but I do know her patterns now.

Read the book BPD for Dummies as it gives an excellent outline of what BPD entails in layman's terms and there is a section there for nons.

She is a victim of a disorder which has impacted upon her ability to relate in the normal way and to process her emotions healthily. Whilst she can't help this, she is responsible for her actions. In my opinion, tough love could help with firm boundaries.

Would she consider family therapy, with all of you participating? If not, it might help if you could speak to a therapist, just to help you to deal with this upsetting situation.

Thank you for you answers,
Yes I think our entire family can benefit from therapy whether she goes or not.
Im sure she would see it as a beat up session.
I LOVE her, and would love nothing more than for her to bond with and take care of her children.
I know that as much as they love me, they would be better off with their own Mother if she would only do right by them..but its been 3 years, and I talk to them try to help them adjust buy saying we are all different and she loves them.. She might, but not more than she loves her party, or her Man..

Once when I was there 3 mo ago they had an argument, he said he was leaving because he couldn't stand her kids. She said shed go get help, I said yes but when you return the kids will still be here.
SO she told me to take them!
Thats when I knew she hasn't changed o grown at all, shed still leave them for a man.
And BTW she eneded up in the Er with a broken wrist that night.



She dwells on everything negative. She cant appreciate what she has.

THe worst part is, she has divided our family, pitting one against the other.. Like a Jr high school child, with the He said She said, and none of it being true.

We are all just now realizing what she was doing, because we are all finally communicating.

Thanks again!

I can almost hear your sense of frustration here. On the one hand you love your daughter, and would like nothing more than to have a normal relationship with her, and on the other hand you're unable to reach her because this disorder has stolen from you both the chance to have a normal, loving mother and daughter relationship. Talking these feelings through with a therapist may help you to find within you a sense of resolution, and a way to make sense of the situation.

It very often doesn't help when friends come up with statements such as "I don't know why you stand for it." or "I wouldn't let my daughter treat me that way" etc. They're only seeing things from the perspective of a NORMAL mother and daughter relationship and putting the onus of the responsibility onto you ie by implying that you're somehow ALLOWING her to treat you this way, as if you have no backbone or something. None of this is true. This ISN'T a regular mother and daughter relationship. It has been changed due to a disorder for which neither of you are to blame. Yes, of course you can begin to eventually change how you react to her, but you can't change the fact that she is disordered or how she acts. Therapy can help you to erect appropriate boundaries and help you to feel less emeshed or dragged down. Ultimately her behaviour is HER responsibility, disorder or no disorder. Hopefully if she has therapy at some point, she may begin to take a sense of responsibility for herself, wherein lies the secret of healthier thinking patterns and beliefs.

It's difficult, I know, but very important for you to retain your OWN sense of identity, in order to prevent co dependency and enmeshment in which you become engulfed in her problems, life and concerns to the detriment of your own. This type of situation can even enable a BPD person's disordered thinking, and because of the enmeshment and loss of your own identity, even envoke BPD like thinking patterns in you. This is known by some in the non community as "fleas" Please try to find time for YOU, time that involves you celebrating your own identify as an individual, and not just as her mother or the children's grandmother. A friend of mine, one of the other mods, said something yesterday along the lines of "First of all fill your own cup and then let others have the overflow" Unless you look after yourself, you will have no energy for others. You are doing them a favour by doing this.

Keep talking here too. We're a supportive community and it helps knowing you're not alone in this.

My youngest had her first baby last week. We didnt tell the BPD daughter she was in labor.. My ex was a little upset about this, but I told him, she will take the attention away from her sister, and Im tied of her doing that to my other 2 children.
We called her afterwords, and I went and got her, all she talked about was, she was going to a concert sat and they have no food, I mean like 10 times.
So the ex pulled me aside and said you were right..lol
Also my youngest doesnt ever want me living with her again, she fears shed actually hurt me.

We are learning to live with it!

Yes, your other family are important too. It's sad that your daughter is capable of putting a dampener on what should be a happy event for the entire family. As you said, it's as if she can't appreciate the good things in her life.