website for male survivors of abusive relationships? (bpd)

***this topic is being moved to the significant others, family & friends as it is more relevant there and might also be triggering for people with bpd. a shadow thread will be left in bpd so you can find it


Hi! I've written a similar post in the Relationships forum, but that doesn't seem to be frequented much at the moment, which I hadn't realized -- so I hope the moderators forgive me for posting something similar here. It's not identical.

Does anyone have opinions or experiences regarding *mod edited* websites? I'm genuinely curious as to what you more psych-educated folks think of it, particularly the articles about abusive females (note the "Mousetrap" article near the top of the home page).

*mod edited for privacy* writes a lot of great stuff for men who are struggling with their abusive girlfriends or wives, and this isn't found nearly enough -- it's usually the opposite -- so I've been reading her articles for a few days now.

But she keeps using words like "crazy," and other mean language, which doesn't help, and doesn't seem befitting a professional. I've written her a nice, tactful comment, which has been ignored for almost a week, and latterly an e-mail, which she still hasn't responded to.

Perhaps she just didn't like my challenges to explain her vindictive language? Or do you guys think I might have worded something insensitively (below)? I don't think she's really helping any men when she uses general, nasty words like "crazy."

So...please tell me what you think. Thanks for anyone who's reading. (My own current struggle, and the whole reason I'm interested, is mentioned below.)

-----

Hello again, *mod edited for privacy...if you've been too busy to deal with the website, and that's why my comment is still awaiting moderation after nearly a week, please inform me of this, and I'll be appropriately embarrassed and just wait until you have the time to address what I've brought up.

I believe it would help a lot of men besides me, and (correct me if I'm wrong, by all means) it could be an interesting angle to bring up in any capacity. I'll try to explain more concisely than I usually do:

Having been in the field for so long, you're surely aware that men often struggle with the prospect of leaving their abusive women, or continue to feel guilt afterward, as I am, even if they’re fully conscious that they’ve done nothing wrong, purely because they've remained human, and feel compassion for their (ex-) girlfriends or wives.

Over a year after leaving my verbally abusive BPD/PTSD girlfriend, I still feel guilt, because I know that in *her* reality, I'm the one who did the "rejecting."

I'm not excusing, rationalizing, or forgiving her abusive behavior toward me when I say that pity keeps me a bit stuck in remorse. I'll never go back, and I'm glad I left. Your articles (blog posts, I suppose) have helped a great deal, and you seem to be a genuinely kind person -- but it keeps striking me that the use of rather catch-all terms in your writing, such as "different flavors of crazy" and "it will have the added benefit of driving her mad" aren't helpful.

In fact, attempting to vilify the ex only makes it worse, personally speaking, as I know her problems aren't her fault. They're not mine, either, so I left, but I still feel compassion, and I like this about myself. She's no longer in my life, thankfully, and will never be again, but I haven't lost my ability to feel for someone who was abused herself in childhood.

Making her out to be "crazy" doesn't seem consistent with the knowledgeable and more precise majority of your writing, as it's not a terribly valid term in the collective psychological fields, and it's an easy way out -- "She's crazy. That's it." -- which casts aside the types of pathology behind a woman's behavior, and the true way for the male to heal himself from guilt (i.e. real understanding).

Can I respectfully ask you to...well, reconcile, I suppose, or at least explain your use of the word "crazy" as a professional who's helping people? I'm being quite serious...not at all sarcastic or snarky.

I really want to let your articles sink in and draw help from them, as there's so little online to help post-abuse men...but every time I come up against that speed-bump of rashness in your rhetoric, I pull back a little. Why [would a guy want to] make her out to be crazy, or try to "drive her mad" by taking care of himself?

I've been really struggling with guilt that I don't deserve, as the brain superficially knows things that often don't sink in all the way to our emotions, and it would help me -- and others, I think, although I obviously don't know everybody -- to learn how you justify the word "crazy," and what you mean when you use it. Thanks very much for your time! I sincerely appreciate it.

Chris

for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them
does that relate to borderline?
you problebe get more trafic at the aspd forum
ppl never fail to make me lol
to me ther's only 2 options to a problems you do something about it or you don't
regular ppl have a 3rd option wein
i Always wonder if ppl like that (weiners) actualy survive in the real world
they are being run by others and they num the pain with seks drugs and alcohole?
i think all the men that go to that side sould get a sexchange

But she keeps using words like "crazy," and other mean language, which doesn't help, and doesn't seem befitting a professional.
Perhaps she just didn't like my challenges to explain her vindictive language?

I don't see any problem with using words like 'crazy' in a public-oriented, informative, non-clinical context. 'Crazy' is an inoffensive shortcut and established term in the common parlance, replacing it with the politically correct polysyllable clinical terms for the condition would only unnecessarily hinder the comprehension for readers.
You need to take the whole context into consideration, instead of pulling out one word.
I've read that site before and found it exceedingly correct, insightful, rational and open-minded.

wooster wrote:I don't see any problem with using words like 'crazy' in a public-oriented, informative, non-clinical context. 'Crazy' is an inoffensive shortcut and established term in the common parlance, replacing it with the politically correct polysyllable clinical terms for the condition would only unnecessarily hinder the comprehension for readers.
You need to take the whole context into consideration, instead of pulling out one word.
I've read that site before and found it exceedingly correct, insightful, rational and open-minded.

Thanks for the reply, Wooster. That's the problem -- I take the entire context into account, and her words seem exceedingly nasty for someone who's interested in being a professional expert who helps real people with their problems regarding other real people. I've just chosen to point out the term "crazy" as one of the more extreme examples of what comes across as useless generalizing.

I've dated a couple of therapists, and the word "crazy" was decidedly detested by her and her colleagues as explaining nothing except, perhaps, the user's need to rationalize his decisions to leave someone difficult.

Nonetheless, I appreciate your response, and acknowledge that I might have been biased by just one small groups of "shrinks" whom I've known. Thanks.