Co-Parenting with a BPD

I wanted to hear some views from other "non-BPD" people dealing with a co-parent who has BPD

Let me say first, I really feel for you if you're dealing with a parent with BPD. I encourage you to never give up on your child.

A good starting place with all things is knowledge. And believe me, I don't want to spend my free time researching about how things are so awful when parenting with a person experiencing clinically relevant "mood dysregulation" but it's the only way forward.

To be completely clear, I post these comments because I have been there myself. And have seen it happen to many others.

I have experienced 6 straight years of attacks by my kid's mom who has BPD (Diagnosed). I have experienced horrors that I never thought possible, lies and manipulating beyond anything you could read in a novel. And I KNOW many of you have and are STILL going through them.

Sadly, as mentioned there seems to be no cure for BPD. I work in mental health and have for years. On a personal mission I sought out and consulted many psychiatrists, countless mental health workers, and countless other health care professionals from all backgrounds. I have researched many many peer reviewed studies going back decades.

And I think you deserve to hear the truth... So mark my words: No medication, no counselling method (including DBT and mindfullness), and no "big insight" will be leading to a breakthrough. With any other ailment it appears possible, unfortunately if BPD is what your "co-parent" has then in my opinion you and your child are faced with a life long battle.

Some people look in from the outside and maybe doubt what I said, or some people living with someone with BPD are inclined to give that person the benefit of the doubt (over and over again)... I want you to know that I get it. It's because you're a good person, and because the horror and manipulation you're being exposed to seems legitimately UNBELIEVABLE. So you accept any reason you can to help it all make sense (PMS, this or that trigger, this or that person is to blame, etc etc).

Please take a minute to believe it, accept it, and although I'm a stranger know that If I could help you I would. Not for money, but because I genuinely know what you're going through.

For now, all I can do is say that when I read your story I believe you, I hear what you've gone through and I can imagine quite accurately some of the unmentioned suffering you are experiencing and staying quiet about. Again, it's because you're a good person not wanting to fan the fire and wanting to minimize the damage they are doing to you and your children ("walking on eggshells"). As a start, remind yourself that this isn't fair to you or normal, and you and your child don't deserve any of it. You'll need to prepare to spend your life reminding your child of that. If no one else is in your corner, know that I am.

What can be done about it you probably wonder daily? I ask myself that question in the form of a living quest. I have devoted many years to this and It starts with research, and educating yourself and others about what is silently happening to you and all of these other parents and children living as hostages to their BPD co-parent or family member.

I'm extremely grateful to have found this site and I wish to learn and hear your stories and to rally support and raise awareness about this disease. It is under diagnosed, poorly treated, and often dangerous (google BPD and criminality) and look for peer reviewed articles from reputable medical journals.

I know I'm tired of suffering... and although I don't have all the answers, I can't help but strongly feel that there is a "cure" for us who are suffering through association. I'd like to connect with others in this situation.

So good luck, hold your ground, and tell someone you trust about what is happening to you.