my BPD friend *moved to sof&f*

There is this girl I have known for years she is pretty, we can talk about anything and I have secretly liked her, I found out recently she has BPD.

We do things a couple would do or someone whos courting each other, we go out to viewpoints, and talk on the phone in bed until she goes to sleep.

She tends to date her guy friends so I think because we get along really well I could go out with her if I make a move but the thing is I dont know if we would have a chance at a decent relationship, she doesnt know what she wants and she is a bit immature.

We both have similar interests and goals and I want to make a move in the next year but I am trying to get her to go to councelling 1st, I dont know if that will happen though, should I just make a move or wait for her to mature, I would rather keep her as a friend than have a short relationship that makes us end up hating each other. But my goal is to change her and have a decent relationship.

hi there SBBro,

i just wanted to let you know that i'm moving this over to the SOFF forum as it's not directly related to BPD. that being said...i'm tossing in my $.02.

There is this girl I have known for years she is pretty, we can talk about anything and I have secretly liked her, I found out recently she has BPD.

We do things a couple would do or someone whos courting each other, we go out to viewpoints, and talk on the phone in bed until she goes to sleep.

She tends to date her guy friends so I think because we get along really well I could go out with her if I make a move but the thing is I dont know if we would have a chance at a decent relationship, she doesnt know what she wants and she is a bit immature.

relationships should start from friendships. you are moving in the right direction by establishing trust, safety, etc and i think it's sweet that you are building SLOWLY instead of rushing in like a freight train. however, how much time have you spent listening to what she wants in a boyfriend? you say she's immature...why would you want to have a relationship with someone who's immature? what makes you see her in that way?

We both have similar interests and goals and I want to make a move in the next year but I am trying to get her to go to councelling 1st, I dont know if that will happen though, should I just make a move or wait for her to mature, I would rather keep her as a friend than have a short relationship that makes us end up hating each other. But my goal is to change her and have a decent relationship.

#1. you just answered your question here: i would rather keep her as a friend that have a short relationship.
#2. you cannot CHANGE anyone, and please, don't ever say such things to a pwBPD. they will villify you in an instant. she has to want to go to therapy on her own. if you want to help her through her recovery, support her and guide her, not CHANGE her. choose your words carefully. if you are truly interested in being in a relationship with a pwBPD you need to pick up some literature.

wineaux wrote:
how much time have you spent listening to what she wants in a boyfriend? you say she's immature...why would you want to have a relationship with someone who's immature? what makes you see her in that way?

I have spent a lot of time listening to her always, the fact is she doesnt know what she wants in a bf but we have similar interests and goals for example same hobbies and neither of us want kids.
I find her immaturity a double edged sword, it makes her interesting and fun but at the same time unstable, I see her in that way because when I say she is pretty, I mean she is hot, and there is no other girl I have got along so well with.

#1. you just answered your question here: i would rather keep her as a friend that have a short relationship.
#2. you cannot CHANGE anyone, and please, don't ever say such things to a pwBPD. they will villify you in an instant. she has to want to go to therapy on her own. if you want to help her through her recovery, support her and guide her, not CHANGE her. choose your words carefully. if you are truly interested in being in a relationship with a pwBPD you need to pick up some literature.

Maybe she only has traits, I have told her shes nuts and she agrees, I have stopped suggesting she go to therapy, we ended that topic with her agreeing that if she isnt happy in a year she will go to therapy and get on medication. I havent told her I want to change her and I wouldnt, but I did say she needs help, she worries too much and she is immature, she knows this.

Can you picture a life where you guys are friends only? I would explore the "immaturity" a little more. I'd hate to see you get hurt on that double edged sword.

I can imagine it but I feel something would eventually happen, for example we plan on going to a club together. There is also a bit of tension between us. Its like she likes me but doesn't realise it.

I like your plan of waiting until she has "matured". It could be possible that it never happens and you choose to make a move on another more mature and equally hot girl without any problems like that.

I can appreciate you want to be there for her and it's great you've suggested she get help. I think you could have fun at the club and keep it as friends while she undergoes some therapy. Friends always last longer anyhow.

Even with therapy however keep in mind BPD can't really be fixed or changed in a short period of time in my opinion... In other words, the "immaturity" won't ever really go away. But the damage done can be minimized if you can keep her at arm's length and stick to mostly friends for now.