Question for HPD Ladies from Non

I am asking these questions with the hope of understanding my possible HPD friend a little better and to be able to relate to her without getting drawn in too deeply.

I consider myself a "victim" of this friend. I'm wondering if there's something in MY personality that caused her to draw me in to her "fan club".
So HPD ladies, are there certain traits in men that would lead you to draw someone in?

and also:
Would you tend to push someone away or discredit them, if they confessed that they had feelings for you?

Thanks for taking the time to answer these things for me.

Wow, No replies - wasn't expecting that. Is it because I'm asking people to reveal their secret thoughts and they don't want to or is it because I specified for only the women to answer?
Anyway I'd like to open my original questions for ALL to answer. I'm interested in any thoughts that anybody might have - didn't mean to exclude anyone from replying.

NotMe -

An aspect of being disordered is that the person does what they do without understanding what is behind it. Hopefully someone with the disorder will respond to you.

After a lot of intensive therapy I don't really fit the criteria for having HPD anymore, for 98% of the time. Before recovery, I was a sucker for attention because it made me feel validated and seemed to distract me from having feelings of low self worth. I'd very often fool myself into thinking that I really liked, even loved, anyone who gave me any form of flirtatious attention. I also used to push people away and I'm still not sure of the reasons why. I think perhaps it was because I had a fundamental sense of low self esteem, and therefore in my warped logic someone who expressed an interest "had" to also be "flawed". It's illogical, I know. I also used to idealize and then devalue a person when they couldn't possibly measure up to my preconceived high ideals.

You asked if there could be something in YOUR personality that causes you to draw these people in. We all have childhood scripts and the influences of our parents, siblings, peers, teachers and other people can have a huge bearing on our developing personalities. Very often we may have a sense of unfinished business regarding these people, and so may continue to attract similar types of people into our lives in an effort to rewrite the script. For instance, if we grew up believing ourselves to be unlovable because of a parent's actions, or the actions of another person, then in order to convince ourselves of our worthiness we may unconsciously seek out people who remind us of them, and in our relationships with these people enter into scenarios in which we can attempt to change the script. It can be difficult to recognize our own scripts and the reasons why we attract these people, and even how we do it. We all emit certain cues when we interact and very often these cues are unconscious, but it is these very signals that cause us to somehow "recognize" a person who we can potentially enter into a script with. The people we meet will of course have their own childhood issues, and they too will reenact their earlier scripts with us. These scripts occur with all people to an extent, even if there is no disorder. Therapy can help you to look at your past, and link your past scripts with your present ways of acting.

Masquerade and Xdude -

Thank-You for your insight into my question. I'm admittedly an amateur when it comes to these
topics but I'm learning a lot thanks to people like you. Maybe some day I'll be able to give some insightful advice to others that will help them through life a little. After all that's what we're here for isn't it?

We can all learn from each other, and those who have been in certain situations very often have an added empathy for others who are facing similar situations.

We're all here to support each other,and even as a mod here, I value the support of the people here.

Masq, I am impressed with your progress. Keep up the good work.

Hi NotMe, my apologies for not replying sooner. I'm not diagnosed as HPD but I recognize that I had the traits, so I'm working past them and healing.

There is nothing in you that would cause me to drag you in. I'm aware there is something wrong with me and I make every attempt to not use people. You are probably kind, attentive, and causing a feeling of connection. Me, being disordered and repairing my self-esteem issues, would be tempted to rope you in so I could use you as a distraction and not work on myself. I don't seek out victims, but I do try to avoid inner pain.

I think it's important to read ALL of the signals you are being given. I make it clear to a man that I am only interested in friendship, and it seems like only the ones with very low self-esteem still try to hang on and change the situation. So, it's not your personality, it's how you choose to handle the outcome. Such as, seeing the situation realistically and logically.

As far as the pushing away part, it takes work but I actively choose to not push away those who I am genuinely interested in. I move past the fears and think of the other person's feelings so I don't, unless my trust is broken. Then yes I will push you away.

I hope I made sense.

Hi Creative Angel,
Yes your reply made sense to me. You've actually given me some good things to think about.

While I try to be kind, attentive and connective - I also think I have a bit of that low self-esteem
that you mentioned I've been getting better about not being drawn in so much, but I need to work on that some more.

What you said about pushing someone away when they break your trust really hit home for me. My "friend" never made it clear to me that she was only interested in friendship. I wish she had!
I think I probably broke her trust by assuming she wanted more and that may be why I'm stuck in this infernal "push-pull" nightmare. Thanks for helping me understand that.

For what it's worth, I don't think you are HPD even though you say you have tendencies. You seem to be in touch with your feelings and others' feelings far more than I would expect from an HPD person.
Kudos to you for that - not always the easiest thing to do.

Hi NotMe either ? I have some thoughts/questions about HPD too.

People see HPD as "the performer's disorder" but the funny thing is when you do meet people who actually are performers, their personalities differ to such a great extent that it soon becomes clear it isn't necessarily about HPD-like traits at all.

For example the people who point out how many people in the performing arts are actually introverts - and strangely I've known a person who was quite quiet and shy, but went on to become an actress.

So it makes me wonder what "the whole HPD thing" is really about. Is it, as one forum user seemed to mostly suggest a label that as created to fit "just a social norm (mostly girls) were brought up to fit" coupled with a desire for attention ?

Serious question/topic.