Silent treatment?? (bpd)

littlearcher wrote:

mreclecic wrote:I'm curious to know, and I'm sure this has been asked before, I couldn't find it though. Silent treatment seems to be a weapon commonly used in the arsenal of someone with bpd. What do you want it to accomplish? Pain for the recipient? Control over the recipient or protection for yourself?

i understand that you are in pain and that you are upset with the way things have transpired in your relationship...but, i fail to see how asking for space equals silent treatment.

i object to the wording of this post and i can't relate to it. i don't have an "arsenal" and i've never intentionally hurt anyone or anything. i don't have the foresight to plan to accomplish anything with any of my behaviours and they are not about the other person, they are generally ill-fated attempts to cope with my emotional distress.

your ex's mother just died, i have to say that i highly doubt that her actions are personally about you.

and the change in tone from where you were understanding and caring to now speaking as if you feel victimized indicates for me that you've got a lot of feelings that you need to process and perhaps need to focus on yourself and not her and try and work through those feelings.

i would also like to add that i've been on the receiving end of "silent treatment" and i have never actually given someone the silent treatment, if i understand what you mean by it. i have ended contact with people but, only after explaining to them why i didn't feel we should speak to one another anymore.

aliveatnight wrote:I'm with littlearcher 100% on this one. I don't ever try to hurt people, it's always in the moment actions because of how much pain I am in. And her asking for space, after such an event that she has gone through is not a bad thing.

I am guilty of having left people without warning, but it's only if they are doing something that I can't handle anymore. It's never planned, and it just sort of happens.

It's really not fair how you seem to be judging her actions. Please take care of yourself too. Take time to sort your feelings, and then worry about her.

mreclecic wrote:Let me make it clear, not judging anyone, it was a general question, and is not pertaining to my situation. It was not the intention to offend anyone, I was just curious, I apologize if the wording of it was wrong Littlearcher, it was definitely not meant to offend anyone.

aliveatnight wrote:

mreclecic wrote:Let me make it clear, not judging anyone, it was a general question, and is not pertaining to my situation. It was not the intention to offend anyone, I was just curious, I apologize if the wording of it was wrong Littlearcher, it was definitely not meant to offend anyone.

It's alright, thank you for making it clear.

Now, to answer the question:
I never use something intentionally. Never. I'm not like that. However, I have used it in the past if someone is causing me extreme emotional turmoil, or if I just need to be alone. I don't mean for it to hurt them, but it has the obvious effects that aren't so obvious when you're hurting.
Also, if I don't leave permanently, then odds are I'm hurting but want to be cared about, and I'm fighting those two emotions. Alone and wanting someone. Make sense?

littlearcher wrote:okay...well please understand that using the word "arsenal" and "weapon" and asking if people with bpd want to hurt others comes across rather offensively, to me at least. at the very least it has a negative connotation and perpetuates stigma, stereotypes and reinforces a lot of the shame people with bpd feel.

you are probing people here on a forum that is meant to be a supportive environment for people with bpd.

you say that you hadn't heard of it, maybe you should do some reading about it...if you can find reputable sources it's pretty widely explained that most actions when a person with bpd are in an emotionally aroused state are pretty much focused on ending immediate pain, without much thought to long term consequences.

there is a separate board for the partners/spouses/friends family of people with different disorders and you might get a different answer there but, i personally feel a bit upset if you plan on making a bunch of threads with somewhat hurtful questions that you could find answers to by doing a little research/reading.

msangeedepp wrote:Silent treatment and the NC rule are two totally different things..

Silent treatment is passive agressive saying..IM angry at you so you frankly dont exist..

NC is a safety measure. No only does the person in question need NC to understand they have stepped over boundaries and they need to think things through but YOU need it to recover

dont make it into something its not..

It sounds to me, and excuse me, I have always been blunt..

You need to evaluate yourself..just as much as she does.

-- Sun May 26, 2013 12:39 am --

I agree with Archer..

My mom died in January..

You need to let her be with her grief...She isnt going to have sound judgement in ANYTHING she does right now.

let her deal instead of adding fuel to the fire..frankly you will only make matters worse...I had people insisting on causing all sorts of drama when my mom died and it made me want to have absolutely nothing to do with them.

Not saying you are but if she wants to be left alone...then do that...leave her alone

msangeedepp wrote:and if you have to be very careful youre choice of words on here..

The world likes to see us as Glen Close in fatal attraction but the fact of the matter is most of couldnn't be that cold or calculating if we tried.

Like I told you..behaviors and emotions are etched in our brains from a young age...its a hard habit to break because we just want to end the emotional pain we are feeling but do we intentionally hurt people? Hell no..Ask any BPD later down the road, and they cant either remember what they did or feel bad for doing it..Like I said a self fulfilling prophecy..

This is why we feel comfortable here because we see each other for who we are..wounded...not cold calculating people.

While I know it was unintentional please research before you say something because trust me we stick together