Help! My Borderline and Bipolar GF Left Me!

This has been the most painful event of my life, I believe. My now ex-girlfriend and I started dating in Novemeber and she was relatively upfront about her mental health issues but she just seemed so well put together. She told me about the cutting, the multiple suicide attempts, the sexual abuse as a child, the three failed marriages (she's only 29), and of course all her ex's were horrible to her, abusive, etc. But, she seemed to have this under control and I've had my own struggles so I accepted her for who she was. Right off the bat she was hot and heavy, told me are loved me and would take me on my worst day over anyone, said she would never leave me, or hurt me. The sex was amazing - best of my life. It was too much sometimes. She was practically addicted to sex and would breakdown in tears and feel inadequate if I wasn't in the mood. She was an amazing drinking and party buddy, God the fun we had! We really didn't argue much, to be honest except for a few breakdowns she had and she said some really mean stuff to me. I kept on loving her though, I really felt like she loved me and the affection she gave was amazing. I thought she was the ONE!

Fast forward to last Friday. I go to see her at work and on a two minute smoke break she said she was done with the relationship and gave vague reasoning for why. She had anger in her eyes I had NEVER seen and she seemed disgusted with me. A left hook from nowhere! Her personality had done 180 and she was someone I didn't know. I mean, this was not the girl I fell I love with. She wouldn't text me back or call me when I asked for an explanation or closure. Five days after the split up she did text me to tell me that she JUST DOESN'T LIKE me and to get over it. Then proceeded to tell me she was with someone new and it's a mutual acquaintance of ours. The guy is a drug dealer and a real scumbag. This hurt more than anything. How the hell could she just jump into another relationship after all the things she said to me? Did she ever mean them? Was she real at all? Is she saying the same things to this guy, too? I feel angry, hurt, used, and betrayed. What did I do to attract this in to my life? I really loved this girl and she threw it all down the drain, treating me like scum, blaming me for the failure of the relationship and texting me really mean stuff. It hurts so bad, I'm no longer contacting her and want to just move on but this one really damaged my psyche. What's even sicker is I feel like I'd take her back, I'm addicted to her despite all the chaos and drama.

Please help, any advice would be appreciated!

Matt

mjl22881 wrote: My now ex-girlfriend and I started dating in Novemeber and she was relatively upfront about her mental health issues but she just seemed so well put together.

Seeming so well put together is not common. Esp. for higher functioning individuals having BPD. It's easy to keep to your distance from others just enough to remain "picture perfect" so to speak, others not having a clue what is going on internally. I have told less people than I can count on one hand, and until one was to get to know me on an intimate personal level, they wouldn't have the slightest idea. What I am saying here, is don't feel bad that you fell for the "mask" so to speak.

mjl22881 wrote: She told me about the cutting, the multiple suicide attempts, the sexual abuse as a child, the three failed marriages (she's only 29), and of course all her ex's were horrible to her, abusive, etc. But, she seemed to have this under control and I've had my own struggles so I accepted her for who she was.

Having had your own struggles? I'm not sure what you mean exactly by this. I will say for myself though, if it was vocalized to me that the person I was with had some sort of similar background/dx then I would be unable to deal with that. I'm not sure why, I just know that I couldn't. I think it would be hard for me to take on another's emotions as mine are so intense and chaotic. Accepting her for who she was though, that was the probably the best thing you could have done. Although, sometimes I begin to feel worse when I am "accepted" by those who know my BPD, as I feel almost even more inferior as it's like the process of admitting something is seriously wrong rather than being able to be in denial from a distance.

mjl22881 wrote: Right off the bat she was hot and heavy, told me are loved me and would take me on my worst day over anyone, said she would never leave me, or hurt me. The sex was amazing - best of my life. It was too much sometimes. She was practically addicted to sex and would breakdown in tears and feel inadequate if I wasn't in the mood. She was an amazing drinking and party buddy, God the fun we had! We really didn't argue much, to be honest except for a few breakdowns she had and she said some really mean stuff to me. I kept on loving her though, I really felt like she loved me and the affection she gave was amazing. I thought she was the ONE!

That's how things with my ex were. Extremely passionate from the begging. The "honeymoon" phase, if you will. The intense interest, feelings, excitement. It's enjoyable. Until you get scared....

mjl22881 wrote: Fast forward to last Friday. I go to see her at work and on a two minute smoke break she said she was done with the relationship and gave vague reasoning for why. She had anger in her eyes I had NEVER seen and she seemed disgusted with me. A left hook from nowhere! Her personality had done 180 and she was someone I didn't know.

I'm known for doing that. I think last night (my breakup) when my boyfriend came inside this house I probably gave him a death stare if looks could kill. Imagine feeling an intense burning pain inside you and you can only relate/direct it to one specific person... tell me what type of look you would give?

mjl22881 wrote: I mean, this was not the girl I fell I love with.

Partially correct on this point. The girl you fell in love with had a largely intense near infatuation with you, but it seems as though you have now been split.

mjl22881 wrote: She wouldn't text me back or call me when I asked for an explanation or closure.

It hurts too much to give in and respond.

mjl22881 wrote: Five days after the split up she did text me to tell me that she JUST DOESN'T LIKE me and to get over it. Then proceeded to tell me she was with someone new and it's a mutual acquaintance of ours. The guy is a drug dealer and a real scumbag.

One of my go-to classic defense mechanisms. Let me hurt you before you hurt me. Easier to move on quick and pretend like everything is peachy before I find out about your beautiful new gf and happy little life.

mjl22881 wrote: This hurt more than anything.

I'm sorry you're hurting. We hurt people, but trust me... 99.9% of the time we don't intentionally hurt others. We just lash out and let our internal chaos self sabotage everything in efforts to not be hurt ourselves.

mjl22881 wrote: How the hell could she just jump into another relationship after all the things she said to me? Did she ever mean them? Was she real at all? Is she saying the same things to this guy, too?

I doubt it. Honestly, all of my rebounds are generally for the intentions I previously stated. Internally, I feel like dirt about it... knowing that it's just a decoy, knowing I have no feelings towards them. It makes me sick to my stomach, but I have to keep up the facade just to keep myself from hurting over the other person even more.

mjl22881 wrote: I feel angry, hurt, used, and betrayed. What did I do to attract this in to my life? I really loved this girl and she threw it all down the drain, treating me like scum, blaming me for the failure of the relationship and texting me really mean stuff. It hurts so bad, I'm no longer contacting her and want to just move on but this one really damaged my psyche. What's even sicker is I feel like I'd take her back, I'm addicted to her despite all the chaos and drama.

I know it hurts. You have every right to feel that way. If she really does have BPD though, imagine how intensely she is hurting herself. If you still love her, give her time... and she will come back. If you want to make things work, let her express herself and listen non judgmentally. HELP her come up with a plan to get help. BUT, if you don't think you can handle it... move on, before you get burnt out and numb. As the longer it lasts, the worse it gets, and the hurt magnifies and increases 100 fold.

I hope this did not come across harsh, it might have as I am in a pretty negative space here myself. I just wanted to give you some insight from the BPD view. Everyone deserves to be treated kindly, respected, and loved... and I am sorry you had to go through this. PM me anytime if you need to talk.

Reading just the subject line of your post my first thought was "great news".

I don't mean to sound cold hearted. I'm really sorry that you're in such pain. I totally get it. Fact is, for some reason these disordered relationships seems to be hard to end, even when we rationally know they should. I'm very sorry and hope you find your way.

Thanks for the reply, it didn't come across as harsh at all, very upfront and honest which is what I'm looking for. I'm just trying to sort all this out and get a better understanding of this thing. Let me clarify my own struggles, that I spoke of previously. I grew up with Tourette's Syndrome and later developed a case of OCD which went unattended to for years. I also suffer from PTSD from miliary service and all that entails. So I'm no stranger to having to deal with mental health issues. On top of it all, my mother had issues when I was growing up with anxiety and depression, so I've really been around it all my life. That's why I didn't run when she told me about her issues, which at the time I thought "great she's being up front and I can sort of identify". I didn't know the misery I was going to endure though! Sorry to hear that you're in a tough spot right now, too.

I guess I kind of should have seen this coming around the bend in a way though since she called me at 2:30 in the morning a few weeks ago crying her bloody eyes because she felt suicidal. I took her to a therapists office the next day and she stormed out of the waiting room because she said she decided she didn't need help and "those people" don't care anyways. That made me raise an eyebrow.

I'm just trying to remind myself that she's sick and needs help so I don't get too angry at her. I realize that she "loved" me the only way she knew how and that she also is dealing with her inner turmoil and pain the only way she knows how, too. I just pray she gets the help she needs someday so that she doesn't have to put herself and others through this anymore. I'm going to really examine my own role in the relationship so I don't make mistakes in the future as well.