Extreme silent treatment tearing me apart [unk problem]

A guy that I care very much about has been giving me the silent treatment for about three weeks now, and I'm breaking down. I don't even know what he's feeling, and, more than anything, I want to be able to reconcile with him. I'm pretty sure he has some sort of personality disorder, which makes things that much harder. We do have a bit of history:

I've known him for about two years total, but during that time span, he ignored me multiple times for weeks to months. I can usually feel when they're coming on because he always has his cell phone on him, checking for texts, and when I don't receive replies back in a day (usually I'll receive replies within a couple of minutes), I text him. Sometimes if I send consecutive texts, he'd snap at me before ignoring me. Other times, he'll just start the silent treatment without a word for no apparent reason.

We went through a dating phase, but it never fully evolved into a relationship. He became hypersexual (to the point where it was clearly not normal), and things almost devolved to a fwb relationship.

It would be all good and dandy if he ignored me and left it at that, but he would always come back like nothing happened. There would be a few good weeks, and then back to stonewalling again. Last time, he even blocked me on Facebook.

At some point in the past couple of months, without my knowing, he unblocked me and wished me a happy birthday. After nearly five months of silence. We decided that we could try to reconnect, and he said he didn't know where to go from there. Then--silence.

Every time he does this, it throws my mind for a loop, and I'm back to the same feelings I tried so hard to work through in the past when he ignored me. This time, I'm ashamed to say that I sent him a barrage of texts about how he hurt me but I was willing to try talking again. He's conditioned me so much to his silent treatment episodes that it's become almost a compulsion to text him when he refuses to respond.

He then re-blocked me on Facebook. I sent him a text to apologize for freaking out. No response. Calls, e-mails, texts--ignored. If he tells me he needs time to think or he's confused, etc. I'd listen, but he's not saying ANYTHING. I reached out to a mutual friend to contact him, letting him know I am sorry and would also like to reconnect. He deactivates his entire Facebook account. He hasn't gone this far in the past, which worries me.

Why is he so afraid to say anything? I'm very worried about him and want to be able to be a good friend. He's told me before that he's cut off/stopped talking to friends and even family members, has a short temper, holds grudges, etc. He would even tell me about what jerks some of his CURRENT friends are, and he dislikes almost all of his friends' significant others. Yet in front of him, he's the most polite, soft-spoken person ever. When we actually see each other in person, everything's cool, and we get along fabulously, though sometimes I would notice that he'd zone out to the tv or masturbate or sleep to put things off like schoolwork, etc. He would get upset when friends ignored him--or what he perceived as them ignoring him (he never reached out to them, either), so I want to be there for him because I don't want him to be upset, but he must be upset now when I'm NOT ignoring him. This all makes for a very lonely, empty life for him, doesn't it?

I'm almost at the end of my rope here. Has anyone dealt with extreme silent treatments like this before? Any other person would have replied or told me to stop by now.

This guy is highly unlikely to change unless he admits that he has a problem. It's difficult to say whether or not he has a personality disorder, as only an expert can diagnose, but he does seem to be having difficulties in his relationships with others and unable to see their point of view.

His behaviour sounds very hurtful, and although it sounds as if he acts this way towards others, not just you, it doesn't take away the hurt that you feel. Unless HE can take on board and responsibility for his treatment towards people, nothing will change. You can't make him do this, no matter how good a friend you are to him. He needs to see for himself that he has a problem. Sadly, many people who have problems in their interactions with others fail to take responsibility, and those who do often do so when they are at absolute rock bottom, lonely and isolated. Those who try to take responsibility for people with problems such as these can very often find themselves in a situation where they're enabling them, and they can find that their own personal boundaries become blurred, with a sense of a loss of their own identity as they become engulfed in the other person's problems.

As difficult as it is, maybe you could take a step back, for your own sanity. The on off behaviour will continue to take its toll on you and leave you feeling drained, emotionally confused and upset. This might not be an easy thing for you to do, particularly if you have invested in him emotionally, but in the long run you may be doing yourself a favour if you distance yourself.

Take time for yourself and rebuild your self esteem. If you feel that there has been a pattern in your life where you have constantly been drawn to this type of person, or have accepted this type of behaviour, therapy can help you to change your life scripts.

I'm really scared, I have not heard from my BPD boyfriend for the last several days. Texts, phone calls are not returned. I'm keeping busy with positive activites and focused on my life and work, but I feel so upset inside.

I texted him today that I suspect he has BPD and that he needs to get help, if we are ever to continue as a couple. I just can't believe I'm getting no response. I've decided to not text him the rest of this week, no exceptions. It's tough.

He doesn't seem to want to be contacted, and as difficult as this may be, you need to respect this. Filling your time and distracting yourself might help.

Honey, I hope he sees a need for help, but this ultimately has to be his decision.

Spending your time with supportive people who can help you through the next few days could help.

I went to see him last night. He's caught in a web of fear, and said we will talk, but needs his space right now. I was relieved by his gentle, caring response. His body language doesn't match his pushing me away, but that's why I'm still involved with him. I now feel I can give him his space. There was just too much confusion in my mind as to why he suddenly pulled away from me again, and when I pressed to talk it out, he became extremely afraid and treated me like I was being abusive and manipulative. It hurts me so much when he does this.

Aspergers runs in his family too, and his mother is a controlling factor in his decisions, is quite sneaky and rageful at times in her manipulation. I found a great book called "When He's Married To Mom," to help me with the complications caused by his mother-enmeshment.

In the meantime, I am taking great steps in pursuing my career and creative pursuits. I have made plans with friends I TRUST, so important, to not just keep me busy but also to keep me nurtured. I have a lot of faith that things will work out.

I can't thank you enough for your support, it means a lot.

Thank you.

It sounds as if you have found the right balance. You're filling your life with interests and are giving him the space he needs. It's important that you know, which I am sure you do, that this has nothing to do with YOU, and everything to do with him, and whatever issues he may have.

I am replying to the first post in this thread. It was extremely useful to me because, barring some minor details, this could have been the same person who I am infatuated with. It gave me a wonderful perspective on the situation.

He and I have been friends, on and off, for several years. He has had me blocked on Facebook for a total of 4 and half years. There have been times when he refused to speak to me or even discuss the problem. He has been verbally aggressive at times.

But I feel this intense yearning towards him. Sometimes, he seems to feel the same way. Then he just slams shut again.

I had got over him - hadn't seen him to speak to for a year. Just before he vanished, I had told him about my crush on him (result: FB block resumed). He came back to these groups I go to. We talked a lot. He seemed more attracted to me than he ever had. I felt the same. Then - as ever: SLAM. Cold, distant, not communicating on FB (he had unblocked me).

Maybe he was on the rebound or maybe he does have feelings for me but is too messed up to ever act on them. But the truth is it causes me absolutely searing distress and there is no point in it whatsoever. In a new relationship, it could have been about someone withdrawing to catch their breath. But not here, after years of the same thing.

This time around - it was horrible, the pain. So I messaged him via FB to say that I still felt very attracted to him. He has had a lot of family illness so I was kind: I pretended this was about desire not being returned rather than, as was the truth, his playing hot and cold with me yet again. It was a lovely message.

Then I blocked him, because I could not take any more. He'd have blocked me anyway.

Oh it is so futile and it hurts so very much. I want to take the block off and message him. I hope I don't. But if I do, it'll be more pain to get over. That's all. Deeply unpleasant but just work to be done.

I think he's autistic, like me. It doesn't matter. It causes me pain. I tell myself: If it hurts this much to be his friend, how much worse would it be as lovers? Yet this yearning clings to me. I have insight. I just need to get through this time.

I'm in a similar experience with my courtship of a woman I've loved deeply the past 15 months after being acquainted with her for 20 years. We have talked countless times, gone for one hour walks on uncommon occasions, hugged tightly countless times and I've kissed her without being kissed back dozens of times but we have never dated yet in the classic sense of the word. You can read my post "Dont Call Me, I'll Call You." She has SAD and autism spectrum disorder and is taking classes for BPD as well. She called me only once in the first five months. Then she was calling me often but still refuses my request to let me call her. Then if I challenge her one-way communications and tell her it's not emotionally or mentally healthy to forbid calling back, she stops calling for weeks, leaving me no way to be in touch with her. After five or six weeks of little or no calls from her, I start getting really depressed.

As best I can tell, its not good to dole on them when they are refusing you because it seems to validate their efforts to remain aloof. My strategy right now is to challenge her gently but persistently. If they make a strong statement at some point that you mean something to their life, that can indicate that they are capable of humility and love toward you and validate the worthiness of working with them. On the other hand, the difficulty is knowing when they are just being manipulative or selfishly not bothering to even try. If you can feel moments when they make a humbled effort to show appreciation, then I think it's a good sign of their potential ability to love and communicate.

I formerly had borderline schizophrenia in my youth and still have not-terribly severe SAD and probably other mental problems of my own today. But I'm dealing with a woman whose dysfunction level is far deeper than mine at this stage in my life. i am convinced you must be firm but gentle. Don't plead too much and never despair. I can tell you from experience that almost any mental illness can leave a person feeling that relationships are absurd because they don't feel anyone can relate to their episodic peak dysfunctional thought processes. For instance, my SAD/ASD woman runs home and shuts the door on the entire world as if it had nothing to do with her world in the moment. Or a schizophrenic starts feeling all his friends are pretty much an organized conspiracy out to get him.

Mental iillness is no party. And just because someone attracts you does not mean they are worth loving or have the character to try. Love has very little to do with passion or desire and much to do with very hard work, devotion and commitment. Don't invest in the wrong person. If a mentally ill person seems to have the character or fortitude to make an effort to love, then you should continue investing your hard work into loving them. Be sure to challenge their communication reluctance gently every chance you get. But take some breaks and let them breathe periodically. If the rivers of tears flow, then you are paying the price of loving them. In the spring of last year I cried for 90 days straight. Now I cry once or twice every 90 days. I feel a bit stronger in my ongoing struggle to love her. It is better to give all your faith to love and fail than to never try. And if you believe in God like I do, ask that you can be taught to be a meaningful force in this person's life. You may or may not get what you pray for and work for. Love is not about getting the rewards. it's about sharing something you are gifted to have in your heart. You cannot make them take it. But once they make it clear they want love, then you need to gently let them see that they can do half the hard work of loving and you will slowly teach them how. It should not be a free ride. You can take up some of their slack but not all of it.