Attractive friend with possible HPD

Hi,

I'm friends with a girl who I suspect of having HPD. Extremely attractive and gregarious but with an huge addiction to attention. She is a very creative, fun personality in social situations.

We talked for a long time and I genuinely thought she was interested in me (aren't men dumb ;P) but it turns out she just wanted to be friends. But friends in a strange way I guess in that I could see her totally shut me off if she was getting attention from else where. I think I had been groomed as a fan member. I actually enjoyed the attention of an interesting beautiful woman and knew deep down I was being teased so I've only myself to blame for starting to believe it.

Anyway. She actually confided in me about her problems keeping relationships. She also told me she had dark thoughts and didn't like herself. She asked me why that was and I bit my tongue as I didn't want to upset her,

We rarely talk now as I don't want to be a fan of anyone. Life's too short. We are though going to meet up soon.

I feel torn about how to handle it.

1. I can continue a superficial relationship with her - We do have a great laugh when we meet up and If I can ignore the mixed signals then there's no harm done.

2. She has confided in me and I feel like I know what the problem is. I could be in a position to help her stop having failed relationships and friendships. If I really care about her, or am being honest, should I try to help her break out of seeking validation from outside?

This is a tough one for me. No one wants their friends to start psycho-analysing them but on the other hand if no one ever tells her then how is she going to sort it out.

Any thoughts?

Hi. I will post your thread to the Significant Others Forum, and leave a shadow thread here so you can find your post and have the support of both forums. I am just about to log off but will reply to your post later.

Hi Nevilleb, and welcome to the SOF&F Forum

I feel torn about how to handle it.

Don't want to be too blunt (and if I am wrong, apologies - disregard), but maybe you were looking forward to having a romantic affair with her and it didn't pan out, which is why you are feeling torn? If that is true, you will find it pretty difficult to be the kind of objective friend who can flat honest point out the negatives in her behavior. And chances are she will sense your true feelings and play you - no, own you is a better term - as a fan club member who's rationalized role is informal psychological counselor. Sounds like an HPD's idea of a freakin gold mine - but unless you are Chuck Norris it will mess your head up.

On the other hand, if you don't have those feelings for her, you can be that friend you describe and provide true objective support, i.e., pointing out the positives and negatives.

No one wants their friends to start psycho-analysing them but on the other hand if no one ever tells her then how is she going to sort it out.

Boundaries...then don't go there, unless she sincerely asks you for advice.

She asked me why that was and I bit my tongue

This is always the first test of any kind of relationship with an HPD (or anyone else) - if she will tolerate you pointing out the negatives. We all have negatives. Just don't get too emotionally invested in 'saving' her, because she can backslide and become focused on your attention - ironically you will only obstruct her chances for progress. Unfortunately, although not an impossibility, the stats for HPD awareness and recovery apparently aren't too good. It takes a lot of commitment and dedicated hard work (not to mention mental health insurance) on their part, and many HPDs, probably 75% or more, just prefer to keep bubbling along, although some of those naturally grow out of it.

Always remember this: if you screw your own head up, you are of little to no use to anyone you wish to help.

We rarely talk now as I don't want to be a fan of anyone. Life's too short.

That sounded so real, so strong

Thank you so much for replying.

I did get swept away by her but since I got her to be honest about how she felt the magic has gone. I can see the card stuck up her sleeve.

She's extremely attractive and if I'm not on guard then she could make me think more of her flirting but I think we're both past that now. She's revealed herself to me so I don't think she sees me anymore as someone to impress.

I have been through some very, very hard times in the last two years and have gained a strength that I never knew I could hold. On the other hand the wounds are still healing so I'm putting myself first. I'm not afraid of telling people the hard truth but I need to know it's going to have a positive effect before I do it. I certainly appreciate the truth from my good friends.

The confession is certainly an indication that she's puzzled by how her life is turning out. She's knows she's messed up.

If I'm honest I don't think I could bite my tongue forever or put up with being used again.

I hate to see people wasting their lives for things which can be changed. I don't think she's evil or deliberately manipulated...just a bit broken.

BTW I know that I must have been weak to have gotten into this situation. I had stuff going on to sap my self esteem which made me a good target. Also I have a soft spot for beautiful women so it's my own shallow fault really!

As someone diagnosed with HPD (among other things) I think it's refreshing to read this. I would have loved to have had someone in my life that could recognize things like this and talk to me about them. Granted done carefully and well thought out, nevertheless spoken about. LOL You can pretend I'm her and practice, same difference

Seriously, Given you recognize what is going on, personally I think you should find the right time and come forward. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain including strengthening a nice friendship or at least seeing if there really is one.

I also don't think there is anything wrong doing it when it's right for you, too, if you have been dealt a tough go lately. Regardless, answer to your question, my personal thought, speak to her!

Thank you x

I've had my own problems and one of the most frustrating things for me was that no one took the time to notice or feed back.

I agree that a true friend is willing to risk their friendship to help you recover.

nevilleb wrote:Thank you x

I've had my own problems and one of the most frustrating things for me was that no one took the time to notice or feed back.

I agree that a true friend is willing to risk their friendship to help you recover.

And there ya go!

How do you fix an addiction to attention.

When I was a child, 5-10 years old, I spent my time trying to please my parents. I would cook them breakfast, do favours, be a maths whizz, run fast, etc. Anything to get some positive feedback. The questions are "Am I ok? Am I good? Am I doing the right things?

At a certain age, probably teenage time, I stopped doing it. 'They work for me now!'

I'm imagining that somehow someone with HPD never leaves that state of validating themselves through external feedback. They never learn to trust their own feelings and thoughts.

How do you go back and flip that switch to progress to the next stage?

Am I on the right track?

A person with HPD may not have received validating attention as a kid, and so they may have learnt to "up the stakes", engaging in increasingly outrageous tactics to obtain attention. Their message may have been "I have not had attention, therefore I am not lovable or loved. If I can gain attention, this will confirm my lovableness and it will prove that I am loved" They often equate love with attention. Other people with HPD may have been over indulged, and grown up with the belief that they are ENTITLED to receive unlimited attention, at all times, from all people.

A well balanced person will have a more internalized locus of evaluation, and they will look within for self esteem and feelings of worthiness, usually because their parents ensured they received the right kind of attention, at an appropriate level. Therefore they will grow up without an unquenchable thirst for approval and attention, and they will have the maturity to understand that unlimited attention is not a requirement for happiness and self worth.