Is the best response to an HPD sister no response?

I posted earlier about my twin sister who I suspect has some histrionic, possibly narcissistic tendencies. Many of the comments suggested I have been enabling her by accepting her behavior over the years and putting up with her periodic tantrums/antics when she doesn't feel like she is the center of attention or when she is called out on her behavior. I really want to end this.

I started reflecting on a lot of things after a large fight we had about a month or so ago, and also because of the fact that I was depressed about having to deal with her right now when me and my husband are expecting our first child. A visit to a counselor helped me realize that a lot of my overall depression during my pregnancy had to do with my dread of dealing with my sister.

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Well, as (I think) I posted earlier, I ended up sending out a message to my extended family via Facebook letting them know about the baby. It took a few weeks for my sister to get the message but when she did, she called me and we had a brief, somewhat awkward conversation - she was nice, but I felt like I had to duck some of her more personal questions. She did mention several times that she was hurt we didn't tell her earlier and that when we did it was by group facebook message. We haven't spoken since then - usually she calls me up every few days to drone on about some aspect of her life but she hasn't done that. My husband and I were speculating that it is either because a) she is mad and trying to punish me, b) she is just busy with work, or c) she has a new boyfriend so I am off her radar now (this is what usually happens).

So today, I got this email from her:

"Just wanted to say hi and hope you guys are doing well. I haven't called again because I've gotten the sense that you just need your space. I'm sad that I can't share this time with you but I also don't want to intrude on your privacy. I'm here whenever you need me."

I'm not sure how/if I should respond to this email. On the one hand she does seem sad but I don't think she understands why I don't want to include her in the important aspects of my life. Mind you about a month ago, she was emailing me that I have always been a bitch and that she has enabled me by supporting me over the years etc. etc. Really nasty sorts of comments that I have gotten used to over the years. I used to believe these things were true but now I am trying to fight the tendency to accept the blame and back down just to keep the peace.

On the other hand, I sort of feel like she is implying that I have some kind of a general issue (needing my 'space' and 'privacy') - that there is something wrong with ME and that's why I am shutting her out - not that it has anything to do with HER behavior (this is very very typical of her) - so I kind of want to put her straight. It's not that I need any 'space' in general (beyond the average adult need for privacy), it's that I need space from HER and her behavior. But is it even worth it trying to communicate this to her? I just don't know if I should respond or what I should say to her.

in an interesting turn of events, it seems as if she's read you enough and is giving you what you ultimately want and have asked for.

I just want peace and quiet in my life and I don't care if it selfish but I just don't feel like spending time with people who disturb that - including my sister. I find her incredibly draining.

you've answered your own question here...don't respond. or rather, respond with the boundary of thank you for appreciating my need for space. don't engage in a conversation where she feels the need to reply.

A simple "Thanks" if even that is enough.

There is really no need to feel bad about taking out time for you. You are harming nobody by taking some down time, many of us need down time, some of us more so then others. It's not our job to always open up to others, to always tell them what we are feeling, or to react to ever olive branch offered (especially not when they are sometimes just attempts to keep us enmeshed in drama).

Thanks. I don't think I should respond with something that requires a response from her. My husband and best friend (two people who actually understand the frustration I have with my sister) both think that I should not respond at all to her email. In their opinion, she is trying to provoke a reaction out of me by making me feel guilty. They both feel like no matter what I say - unless it is to apologize profusely for leaving her out and to start kissing up to her etc. - she will get angry and start a fight. As my husband put it "If she wanted to give you space, she would have just given you space. She wouldn't have bothered to send you an email about it." They both think this email is part of a guilt trip. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. At some point would an HPD sit back and think to themselves "I wonder if it's because I told her she was always bitchy a month ago..." or have some sort of realization like that? I suspect not but my sister does surprise me from time to time. I think I am just not going to respond to her.

Hi. As you probably know, we now have a new forum for Significant Others. I'm going to move your thread there, and leave a shadow thread here so you can find your post and receive support from both forums.

thanks for letting me know - I will check out that forum as well..

Hi Twin
I think the best response to an HPD's behavior depends on ...what happened. A small spectrum of possible behavior and reactions:

1) If they ask you how it feels to be in love and at peace with one man, try to explain it to them.

2) If they throw a tantrum because they weren't the center of attention, you should ignore them.

3) If they flirted excessively with your husband or boyfriend, you should let them know to knock it off and moreover you are pissed at them for doing that.

4) If they came back in a rage and drove their car through your garage door, you should call the police (just a wild hypothetical - and BTW the paramedics, if necessary ). And after they get out of jail, tell them they can't come over to your house unannounced and not alone, but maybe only with another family member, etc. Or not at all, if they ever pull a stunt like that again.

In other words, clearly and sometimes boldly communicate with them, much as you would with a 14 year-old daughter who needs a little tough love...people with Cluster B PDs are often said to resemble adolescent minds in adult bodies. So, address the child within your sister - actively create and maintain boundaries, and reinforce those boundary lines with both approval and disapproval.
I have come to believe that this is the Cluster B therapy of the everyday life, - perhaps the only one many HPDs and other Cluster B's will ever experience, since it seems like only uncommon HPD individuals enter into therapy, stick with it, and get something out of it. HPDs and other Cluster B PD people don't need indulgence; they are already naturally over-inclined to do that and that is one of their problems: even though they covet self-indulgence they continually defeat themselves by doing so. IMO what they need is self-discipline and a recognition of other people's boundaries, as well as their own. We do the disordered the greatest disservice (and abuse our own self-respect, as well) when we permit them to walk all over us.
Finally, to keep it all in the proper perspective:

5) If you can see they tried hard to be ggenuinely empathic and understanding of yours and your family's requirements, even thought they didn't completely understand what they were doing, you should respond warmly and positively. Show them the rewards of empathy, how love is greater than the sum of it's parts.

thanks for the suggestions Orion.. I like the idea of trying to reward my sister's good behavior and ignore the bad.. so far, she hasn't done anything super outrageous like driving through a garage etc. although she does have tantrums from time to time. Usually, it is more subtle - little snarky comments or rolling her eyes. Ex. she has never ever left a comment on my facebook page that wasn't a little bit snarky or mean. Or in the middle of a conversation with another family member or friend, she will casually drop in a statement that implies something negative about me. If I ever respond to any of those things, she gets angry very quickly and accuses me of being too sensitive or irritable. But having to deal with those kinds of things DOES irritate me.

What are you supposed to do in the face of this kind of thing? Right now I've just really withdrawn from her but at some point I"m sure we will have a conversation and if she can stay nice, then good. But what should I do if she wants to talk about things - can I explain to her why I don't want to be close to her anymore? I've been thinking that if she asks me why I don't want her involved in my life - especially during such an important time - I can give her an honest response and tell her that a) a month ago she was telling me I have always been a bitch because I asked her to update her address and no longer use mine and b) she was clearly annoyed whenever she was asked to do something for my wedding a few years ago (from going out shopping for clothes to actually attending the wedding and being seated at the family table instead of with her friends - and everything in between), so why would I expect her to be interested in doing anything now?

I think both responses will trigger a negative reaction from her - but they are the truth. So do I just not say anything? Or do I say these things if they come up in conversation and let her have whatever reaction she has and then respond accordingly?

It sounds like you are walking on those eggshells, sorry for that.

Everyone kind of has a tolerance scale for a given relationship: when the neative gets too great, they begin to back away. It doesn't necessarily mean that you hate the person, it's just that the chemistry doesn't work. Ok, that's natural, no one ever said you have to get along with everyone. I have a friend who keeps breaking up/getting back together with his girlfriend (seems like your typical co-dependency roller coaster trip, but that is their business, not mine). Judging by her passive -aggressive behavior towards me, evidently she is threatened by my friendship with him. I tried to talk to her about it, but that made it worse. She is very controlling, and if I have her in my life too much, that means I will have to give much more of it than I want to give to her.
So, nope, I made the decision it's better for me to not have her in my life too much. There isn't anything I can do about it; I prefer to see my friend without seeing her too much. I don't rub it in with him too much, but I think he understands.

With family members I realize it isn't so easy, but still the basic evaluation is the same, only the amounts of irritation (and guilt) greater. Having said, there are people who have to disown uncles, aunts, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers...

But instead, take it step-wise. How far away does she live? Maybe it would be best to just have little chats on the phone for a while...that way if it gets too heavy, you can just tell her you have to go, something is burning on the stove, etc. Keep things brief between you.

I think what it comes down to is you cannot change your sister, and if she insists on being disrespectful, rude and uncivil according to common decency, you are not to blame, she is. If you keep putting up with it, you are just enabling her and obstructing her 'life therapy,' and becoming irritated for your good intentions. We get hurt when we try to change others, when instead here are other more productive things to do...we should be living our lives, loving our spouses, raising our children, etc.

You are right Orion - by putting up with her mean comments (even the subtle ones), I am enabling her. She does these things now because she's always been able to do it. And in the past, all she had to say was "I don't want to fight anymore..." and like magic, all the bad behavior was swept under the rug. I like the idea of thinking of this as "life therapy" for her.. My husband is of the opinion that this will be a wake up call for my sister and that she will eventually apologize to me for the way she has treated me over the years. I am doubtful of this - I think in her mind she hasn't treated me badly at all. I think she thinks she has been a WONDERFUL sister who has supported me over the years, and that I'm the bad one for being so ungrateful and selfish and pulling away now.

Nevertheless, it feels great not to have to talk to her so much these days, so I think I"m just going to let it continue. It's so much nicer to spend my time with my husband and friends and other family members. I feel like I am allowed to be happy with these people so I feel more happy and not as depressed as I did before. I also don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells with them. The funny thing is, my sister always accuses me of being too sensitive and used to say she had to walk on eggshells with me! That's where I first learned the term actually. She might have had a point because I did used to be very irritable around her - but now I"m realizing that it was because I was irritated from dealing with her and often I was sort of justified in being angry. Fortunately, she does not live close by, so our interactions are limited to phone and email these days. After our baby is born, we are moving for my husband's job to a location that is only a few hours away - it would be natural for us to then spend more time visiting with one another, but I'm a little nervous about that prospect.

I think especially right now while I am pregnant, and right after I have this baby, I feel a little more vulnerable so I would like to avoid people like my sister who have these sorts of HPD and NPD traits (this also includes my inlaws and a colleague at my current job). I feel like I now have a little more understanding of why these people act the way they do, and that makes it a little easier to deal with them. But they still make me feel crappy and I feel like they are the type of people that would prey on any perceived weakness OR get resentful of any happiness I have and try to ruin it. Maybe that's a harsh thing to say, but I just feel like I should stay away from such folks for the time being. I do feel guilty and selfish about it though - especially with my sister, but it's really helpful to be reminded that it is okay for me to do this.