Sexual discussions w/ ex-gf (trigger warning)HPD

Ak, please listen to me. Forget about this woman. Take this time to find a different job. Move to another state. Do something for yourself.
This will not work out for you. Focus on yourself, discover what your dream is for your life and live it.
You can obsess about her and analyze her for years, and the end result will be you losing years of your life.
I saw my father in law and mother in law today. I took the time to see them and my wife didn't. They expressed sorrow that their daughter (my wife) couldn't take an hour a week to see them. When I brought up a ringing I've had in my ears, my MIL said it was probably because of my wife. So, you see, not only has she hurt me over the years, she is hurting them.
My mother in law asks my wife out to lunch all of the time. My wife always says no. I have wanted nothing more than to do something one on one with my wife. She always refuses. She can go out to bars with her friends for hours, but she can't go to a simple restaurant with me.
They will inflict you with emotional and psychological pain. Don't be a masochist. I recommend you leave your job, cancel your account here and move on.

Let me recommend a program for you. "30 Days of Self Discipline." You have to download it and it will cost you $7. Take the focus off of her and put it on your life. Your life is all you have.

WH, I truly appreciate your concern, and for $7 I'll check out the program you mention...but, though I worry about my healing ability, because it may be harder for me than some...my grieving process, sorting through my experience with her, and figuring out how I want to be in regard to her, has to be my own path. There's quite a few on this board who have said "just let go and move on" or even pleas to "just get out" but I'm not the type who can do that at the snap of a finger...and clearly most others can't either because they are still here on this forum much longer than I have thus far. I've got to honor my own process. I don't believe those who just shove it away and escape have necessarily done sufficient reflection.

I'm an engineer, and I do tend to research and analyze till I feel I've captured the fine details and understand as best I can how they all fit together in order to gain a broader vantage point. This is part of the healing process...to gain education on what I went through and talk about my experience.

I won't leave a career I've had for almost 23 years now because of her. Also, the line of work I am in is very specialized so I cannot just go anywhere and get another job in my field. Furthermore my friends and family are here. In my mind uprooting myself is not any healthier than trying to find a way to cope with her being in the same office as me. I would then find myself isolated from what is safe and familiar to me in good ways. For my own dignity I think it is important for me to figure out within me a way I can be around her, stay sure-footed, and regain my self-esteem. I believe I need to find a way to detach from her but still care about her...not see her as a vixen, but as a person who is still precious. It is possible by fall that I could be moved to a different project in a different building, but she too may be moved there. I've considered asking my manager to move where we won't be in the same area, but that feels cowardly to me. So I figure I will leave it up to a "higher power" to set our fate, and while we are still in the same vicinity I'm going to keep working on it, though it is painful. That's just what feels like the right way for me to approach it.

That said, I am aware that I also need to balance this with refocusing on things that are good for me to do each day for my own self. It is just going to take me some time and go easy on myself and not beat myself up for where I am at in the process or think somehow I'm not doing it right.

Arthur -

You're a good guy. Yes it takes time to let go and heal for most of us. From what you've told us, odds are it wouldn't have mattered who you are, or what you tried to do, the relationship would end up sabotaged.

p.s. In some cases it is worse. If there are unresolved anger at play, and often there is, then she will take covert enjoyment in ruining a man's life. It will leave her feeling empowered and him a shell of his former self. Don't be that man Arthur. Some people simply lack any empathy for others. It is all about them and what they want. A pretty face does not mean someone has a pretty heart. Know your not the first or last to feel something for someone who cannot feel for others, or even if they can, will take pleasure in someone else being hurt.

Xdude, thanks. I aspire to be a good guy, without being the proverbial Mr. Nice Guy type, aka doormat, but I certainly struggle with some things.

I mean, for example, as you say, it likely is true that even as a guy with a normal size d*ck, or if I had have done this instead of that, or something sooner rather than later...she probably still would have stirred something up that would have sabotaged our relationship (though I have to look at my own proclivity for dysfunction too...such as my getting anxious which perhaps caused her to feel pressured which aggravated her tendencies...but for the most part I think I tried to keep a level and fair head. It's a little of what came first, the chicken or the egg? Did I get anxious triggering her HPD like behavior, or did her HPD like behavior trigger my anxiety?)

Still, I find myself maybe not feeling like such a good guy sometimes...like, I actually hope that she does sabotage her relationship with her ex-roommate now long distant boyfriend. Because I'm unhappy, I don't want her to be happy either. Almost like some justice would be served. So if I was such a good guy, couldn't I forgive and just want it to work out for her with this guy? Just want to see her smile? Or wouldn't I be concerned for him? (Though I'm aware of a couple things he's done while her roommate that I didn't like -- like taking her car for a few days out of state leaving her with no transportation for her and her kids and letting her pay the entire rent for a month leaving her broke and me in the awkward spot if I should help her out...which I didn't), I'm not sure overall he is a bad guy...I never got to know much about him...but funny enough I can see that he may be far more codependent than I if what she told me is true -- that he is spending oodles of cash on her, which is something I resisted because we both agreed I should not act like I'm her savior.

But, she was married for 8 years...though the last 2 were certainly bad, but I suspect more years were not "all that"...so possibly she could be with this guy awhile...they were already roommates for 2.5 years. So it's like a part of me thinks, ok, why am I so "defective" that she didn't want to make a real commitment to me...while with him she seems to have done so. Though it seems only once he said, I'm moving away...which maybe sparked some abandonment/survival issues for her. But honestly, except for the fact that he likely has a normal size penis, he seems like a trade down. He is rather overweight for one thing, while she is overly concerned about her weight. And though he may be buying her all kinds of things right now, it's I who has the financial stability.

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent...my main point is that I'm questioning how good I am, or even how much do I really love her if I hope her relationship with him does get sabotaged. I've heard people say "If you really love someone you just want them to be happy" which feels a bit martyr-like. Regardless, I still want to get to a point where I can be honorable toward her even if I don't like that she's with him. I can't if I am just a shell of my former self -- which I am struggling against.

But yes, you're right -- one technique I do try to use to help myself not feel too despaired is to know that many people in this world are going through some very difficult matters and getting through them...including relationship heartache with HPD types and sexual dysfunction issues. It does help to remember I'm not the only one.

AK, don't take offense to this, because it's not meant to be offensive. From reading your posts early on I got the impression that you were in your twenties. I am now guessing that you are in your middle ages with the length of time you said you have been with your company. Am I correct?
That being said, it just seems to me that you need to take control of your life. You are letting her distract you from work you need to do on yourself. You can't change her. You can only change you.
As for your penis. Who cares how big it is? There are women out there who just want a good man. Love yourself for who you are, and someone special will come around for you.

WH, I'm sure you don't mean to be offensive, but rather give a pep talk so I don't end up years lost and absorbed with a possible HPD person as you yourself have been with your wife. But trying to tell a person grieving and wanting to understand what happened, as well as what's going on with current dynamics, to just take control of their own life and forget about someone that matters to them isn't necessarily that helpful or going to make it happen anymore than telling a broken leg to just stop being broken and go run around already. I already know ultimately I can only change me and can't change her. I go to Al-Anon and that is a key concept touted there that I think about all the time (yet, paradoxically I don't necessarily by into it wholly because sometimes I think things we do regarding another person can be a catalyst for their change.) Regardless, doesn't mean I don't still have things to process regarding her, and a right to do so...or that she doesn't indirectly have some role in my becoming a better man if I work it through. Many of my posts do touch on things I struggle with about myself that she has brought up. So, it's not like I'm not working on those things about ME. Maybe you need to take control of your own life regarding your wife and stick to talking about your own experiences of what you've done differently or wish you would do differently to take charge of your own life...then if I read your posts I would consider, hmm, yeah, maybe I should do what WH is doing, that sounds wise. That is much different than to keep telling me what I should do.

I am 45. I've heard 60s is the new middle age, but still, I can look at it a couple ways...the spry younger years of my life is running out, so I better not let anything about her make me sad or hold me back, but go out and make everything happen in my life I ever wanted. Or I can say, well, this experience with her hit me pretty hard and though I fret that the best years of my life are slipping away, given the entirety of my life experience, it's understandable if it's going to be hard for me to bounce back...so I can go easy on myself and take whatever time I need to sift through things in whatever way I need to do it. I honestly grapple between those two alternatives.

Hi Arthur. We have a new forum for the significant others of people with disorders, that supports people with the unique issues they go through. I'm going to post this thread over there, and leave a shadow thread in HPD so you'll have the benefit of the support of the two forums and still be able to find your post here.

You know, you are your own best judge. Of course you're going to grieve, and that's normal and very necessary, but you can also see your situation clearly and you're kind enough towards yourself to know that you can and will be empowered to make positive changes. You know, no experience in life ever needs to be wasted. We can learn so much about ourselves in everything that happens to us, and know that we have choices. We can either become stagnant, or utilise the experiences that we go through in a way that enriches us. Talking about them, sounding off and hearing different people's views and opinions can help you to make your own choices and know that other people who have been where you are at are hearing you.

I haven't replied to any of your posts but I do read them.

This woman may have seemed like she would build your self esteem but in reality she risks damaging it even further. Your desperation for validation made you attractive to her as she knew she could use it to control you.

I think you need to let this one go and keep looking. There's nothing real in this relationship and you'd only be punishing yourself to continue contact.

In my opinion...