Can a leopard change ‘her’ spots? (HPD)

I think my ex gf may be hpd! I am trying to bring some mental closure to this relationship that ended over 3 months ago but I can’t get her out of mind nor come to grips with what caused us to fail.
I know that for the first two months she was everything I could ask for and more. After two month of being at my house every night I was unable to get personal matters taken care of nor engage in my own hobbys. When I told her I needed a few nights a week to myself things began to unravel. After reading so many posts on here I think it may be that she felt rejected and began to act out towards me to ‘get me back’.
As time went on, actions towards me got more deliberated. Once I spoke to a 20 year old colleague, she went out of her way to make me jealous by ignoring me at a social event by talking to other guy for most of the night. Her intent was very obvious, as I was ignored for the rest of the night. Her defense was “it was just a friend” but when push came to shove she would fess up. For the previous example, she said it was because I talked to the 20 year old the week before. What was interesting is that when this came up a few months later she denied saying it was to get back at me for talking to the 20 year old and went back to her old defense of it was just a friend! Both of us are in our 40’s and I would never think a 20’s year old was a threat to her! This is only one example but the same pattern followed every other incident we had to deal with. However, she was in no way stupid and could phrase comments and many verbal attacks in such as manner to create ‘deniability’ so that a comment meant to ‘get me’ could be taken several ways, and questioning her would be futile as she would act innocent and express her disbelieve and state "how could you think that of me!"
We broke up several times and did want to get back with her. Each time it was me wanting her and her asking “why?” I would tell her that I love her but each time she became more demanding and controlling which made things even worst. However, there were brief moments she would become what I would call ‘normal’, and reveal a very sensitive side and expressing her love towards me. Telling me things such as “I have all the cards and notes you gave me by my bedside and take them out to read on some nights. I was quite adept as time went on discerning fact from fiction. At one time she stated she had to force herself out of bed in the morning and would spend time crying about her current state in life. Later she would deny even saying this.
I also noticed she lied about things. I did accept everything at face value at first but as time went on I did notice flaws and inconsistencies in her stories that did not make sense. Things she did relate to me were always brief and incomplete, only enough to show how she had been mistreated or not treated fairly by someone, etc. She was always on the receiving end of some injustice.
At time went on I also noticed she had very few friends, if any. However, her Facebook friend’s listing were huge but many people on there were also people who had no issue in telling me what kind of person she was after they realized we were no longer together. What was also weird was that my ex gf had told me different story of various individuals, especially other women, whom she had confrontations with, most of these people were listed as her ‘friend’ on Facebook. One thing that kept coming up was her choice of clothing, by wearing clothing more appropriate for a teenager to flaunt her sexuality. Don’t get me wrong she has a beautiful body but even she would say to me that she “wears very tight and short shorts and if other guys want look at me then that’s not my fault if their wives get angry”!
The last time I saw her was a few weeks ago at the local bar. She tried to make small talk with me and when I answered she reeled back with an exaggerated expressing on her face saying “be nice!” Knowing how she behaves I was careful to be very nice to her. She had a female friend with her and it seemed to be her way of indirectly saying to her friend, “see how he is towards me?” My buddy that was with me questioned her behavior as he seen I said nothing out of line to her.This was a new friend she had and her other ‘bar’ friend do not ask her to go with them anymore. She had said to me on one occasion that they do not want her to go because she was a threat to them, as men would gravitate to her! Shortly afterwards she proceeded to a ‘doctor’she knew and was all over like white on rice! She had mentioned her “doctor friend” before, even though she was in no way attracted to him, but certainly put a show on for the rest of us!
In her previous relationship she did not work consistently in her profession for almost 20 year. I gathered from things she would say that she felt comfortable living of her husband’s income and spent freely. One day I asked how many pensionable years she has, since we were talking about retirement. To my disbelief her response was “that’s none of your business!” Many things she spoke of to advance her career and education she had “to give up”! It seemed she could not stick to anything.
I have not spoken to her in a while but have passed her in car several times. Whenever she is alone she goes out of her way to pretend she is looking for something in the car so as not to look at me. Whenever, she is with another she acts as if there is a party in her car!

1. I do love her even now. Even up to the last time we were together she expressed very real feelings of love to me. Is this possible for hpd? For most of what I read it seems that feelings can be mostly exaggerated and may be an act.

2. Can I undo the damage with this relationship and take it back to the first few months when I was completely happy with her? If so, how?
3. Each time we got back together she became more demanding and being more controlling. I don’t understand this. Why?
Most would say move on without her but that’s easy for others to say.

1. I do love her even now. Even up to the last time we were together she expressed very real feelings of love to me. Is this possible for hpd? For most of what I read it seems that feelings can be mostly exaggerated and may be an act.

may i ask how long you were together? and who did the breaking up? here's an entire thread (11 pages) dedicated to the question of can HPDs really love: histrionic-personality/topic58212.html

2. Can I undo the damage with this relationship and take it back to the first few months when I was completely happy with her? If so, how?

whatiwant, the answer to this is probably no and this goes for any relationship because you're referring to the honeymoon phase. what 'damage' is there to repair?

3. Each time we got back together she became more demanding and being more controlling. I don’t understand this. Why?

how many times did you breakup/makeup? and why? did you repair the damage during those times when you got back together? the reason i ask is because if you didn't, then the answer to your question is definitely NO. and what do you mean by demanding and controlling? what exactly did she do? (examples would be super helpful) the reason i act demanding and controlling is because i can. i push boundaries to see how far i can go with people and once i realize i can get away with it, i don't stop.

Thank you wineaux for your reply.

"may i ask how long you were together? and who did the breaking up? "
We were together on and of for about 1 year and a few months. Each time is was me that broke up but it was also me who initiated us getting back together.

"whatiwant, the answer to this is probably no and this goes for any relationship because you're referring to the honeymoon phase. what 'damage' is there to repair?" The damage I am referring to the way she must have felt with me breaking up with her at least 3 or 4 times. There was an appearance she was hurt but I do believe it was more about her that of losing me.

"did you repair the damage during those times when you got back together?.. and what do you mean by demanding and controlling? what exactly did she do?"
I always brought up the issues that plagued us, such as belittling in public places, however it would repeat itself is a different manner later. In terms of pushing and controlling, she did not like the shoes I wore or some of the clothes that I had and had not problem telling me this but she did buy me clothes lol! She would come to my house and even avter suttle and not so suttle hints, she would stay until she was ready to leave. Once a family member was in the hospital, when I went out of town to visit her continually called me until I cut my visit short and came back home. Lookng back now, I gave in to her to prevent further issues and I do think becuase of this she pushed more and more each time, getting what she wanted.

Hi. We now have a new forum for Significant Others, so I'll move your thread there and leave a shadow thread in HPD.