Fell in love through the Internet with an aspie

Hello, everyone!

First, sorry for mistakes. I don't speak English very well.

I've met one guy on one language site. I liked him because he is different. He liked me also. We talk via Skype every day, he lives in US and I live in Russia. He's different because he has Asperger's Syndrome. Before I met him I even didn't hear about this sickness. I started to learn more about it. I'd like to get help from you guys.

The most problem is his lie. He said he loves me, and he tried to give up on me few times by email. He promised many things and didn't fulfill them. He promised to visit me, but then he said he can't do it because of finance problems. It seems he never come. He is afraid to ruin everything or he just satisfied by Internet relationship. He talks much about having family with me, but he can't even find a work!

I can't deny him. I want to help him, but I don't know how. I am afraid he can be worse in reality.

hi, i sympathise you. honestly. I don't know if i can give you an advise but at least for the state of an asperger i can share my experience, one of my ex-classmates had this asperger syndrome. I'm studying psychology and now i know more about this state and i care for those having it because they are often neglected from the society. They are very intelligent and have some extraordinary abilities (sometimes they have a perfect memory or an ability to do complicated calculations in their minds) and on the other hand they have difficulties in communicating and some social skills. Sometimes they can't take care of themselves, have very little orientation in different places and need somebody to takes care for them. Such a person can develop much but he needs to know that he is accepted. Because he may have been mocked of abused by others and he may not have a high enough self-esteem. Probably this is why he is afraid to engage in serious relationships - he doesn't accept himself and doesn't see his potential. You can help him with this.
(if i can tell you anything more, please write me in personal)

Thanks, Mimilia!

Guys! He is a mathematician. Sometimes he is ok. He probably has low self-esteem (he often says he is ugly and horrible person, though I always say he is beautiful and wonderful). I accept him as he is. I just don't like his lie. Being together is important for me. I hope it is important for him also. Sometimes it is difficult to understand him. Is is usual feature for aspies to lie?!

Aspies! Please, teach me how to make him believe in himself?

If he says he will move to Russia and stay there with me, that he will find work in Russia should I believe that? He didn't do anything yet. I am afraid he said it just for keeping me around.

Aspies, why do you lie? And one more question - do you believe in love through the Internet? Is it possible for you?

To answer your question. Sure love can develop from a relationship that started via the net. I met my spouse of six years in a yahoo chatroom. Secondly... Please don't refer to having Aspergers as a sickness. It's just a mental disorder or handicap if you will. It's not something that can be cured with a dose of nyquil or a shot.

Now since my spouse believes I may have aspergers I did some reading up on it. Aspies are not naturally prone to lie. They are often brutally honest. Yes an Aspie can indeed lie but this comes from learning it from others as well as adapting to their environment to fit in. I am sure someone else may have a bit more information that's helpful here soon.

Another question I would like to inquire about. How long have you known this man you met over the internet? He may indeed be insecure, cautious, ect as doing anything over the net does pose dangers even for men. I'll offer some more advice once you share a bit more information on your potential spouse and how long you have been chatting with him.

Leo777, thank you for attention to my problem ))

I met him 1.5 years ago. I noticed that he is "strange" immidiatly via chat. But he had pluses too. He was patient with me and helped me a lot with practicing English.
I have never had distance relationship. Of course, all I want to have him around. He said he will come in Dec, but he lost his job last summer. He still claimed that he will come, but he knew that he doesnt have money for the trip. He lied with detailes (said what airplans, airports, dates etc). I asked him to show me scan of tickets. I pushed on him feeling he hides something. He told the truth, that he was lieing about the trip because he was sure I would leave him if he can't come. I was angry because of lie. He sent me message about splitting up with me. He just gave up on me. We made it up because of me, I supported him, I forget his mistakes. I gave him second chance. He lied again about the same. He said he knows how to find money for the trip and he will come in March. I believed him. He lied again. He even still doesnt have the passport! He said about trying to get visa and that they denied to give him visa. It was lie, he didnt try to get visa.

Of course, I thought he doesnt need me. He tried to give up on me few times. I always stopped him.
I am afraid it is just comfortable for him to live his usual life and don't change anything and don't deal with real problems. It is nice to talk to beautiful girl via skype and pretend we are a couple.

I want to see real actions from him!

To be continued...

You know for sure he lied to you? I'm guessing that would be a yes but just had to ask to be sure. Are you absolutely sure this man is single? Does he have his own place? People do lie over the net at times because it raising their self esteem. Does he even acknowledge you being together as a couple or are you just friends? If he is single then perhaps you should ask him seriously where he wants the relationship between you two to go. Do not wait forever on this man when there is someone who will give you the time of day, won't lie to you and certainly won't play games. Figure out what his plans are but first. Make sure he is really single and he is who he says he is. If he isn't single... leave the man alone.

He lied for sure, he admitted it. Is he single? I can't be sure 100%, but I think yes. We often chat with web cameras, nobody disturbs him. He knows for sure that we are "together", he said he sees me as a future wife and mother of our kids. He calls me "my fiancée" and says that he loves me and that I am the only one for him.

He promises that he will come to me and stay and we will be a family. He just has no money to move to Russia. I don't want to wait forever!! I don't want to get used to him more and get nothing from him except chats in Skype.

Sponge wrote:Guys! He is a mathematician.

Red flag!..

I say this half-jokingly, but also half-seriously. I've seen mathematicians in real life (several of them Russian, incidentally). None of the mathematicians I've met showed blatant signs of autistic disorder, but even so, and even though they were all well-paid and academically accomplished, they all had terrible planning and communication skills, and apparently had no interest in ever addressing that. They live in la-la-land. Reality is clearly of little to no concern to them. Having dealt with a fair share of mathematics myself, I can understand why. Post-grad mathematics is all about disregarding the constraints of reality and exploring far-fetched possibilities.

Being together is important for me. I hope it is important for him also.

Unfortunately, it's not unlikely that this is not important for him. It may be a compromise he's willing to commit to, but actually unable. Poor planning/organizational skills at work.

Is is usual feature for aspies to lie?!

Not particularly. Quite the opposite, really. I imagine he must have a hard time separating pure imagination from actual planning, so he just patches up his fantasized version of things with "minor details" that happen not to be so minor after all.

Aspies! Please, teach me how to make him believe in himself?

(Slightly overgeneralized) fact: aspies are notoriously stubborn. You can offer them opportunities to learn, but you can't teach them. For good or bad. It's just not up to you.

If he says he will move to Russia and stay there with me, that he will find work in Russia should I believe that?

I don't think it would be wise. Not without concrete signs that he's for real.

He didn't do anything yet. I am afraid he said it just for keeping me around.

It's quite possible. He may not realize the full extent of the damage he's causing by doing it.

And one more question - do you believe in love through the Internet? Is it possible for you?

I'd say it's much more likely through the internet than through other means. (Speaking as a [suspected] aspie myself.)

He promises that he will come to me and stay and we will be a family. He just has no money to move to Russia. I don't want to wait forever!! I don't want to get used to him more and get nothing from him except chats in Skype.

It's hard to decide for something that will cause pain for someone you care for, but for the sake of your own sanity and general wellbeing, I'm afraid you may have to be the one to break his heart sooner or later. It seems to me like you're both enabling each other, and that's not good. You enable his unrealistic fantasy, while he, in turn, enables your desire to try and help. You fail to help (as it's simply not up to you), and he fails to materialize his fantasy (as it's something he has an innate difficulty with), and the cycle keeps going.

Sorry I can't bring you a more optimistic forecast. I honestly wish you good luck, and hope things turn out the best way possible. And please feel welcome to keep posting. I know how easy it is to get tangled in this kind of situation. Reaching a resolution can be a long and tricky process, and there's just no simple answer.

PS: I'll let the young lady in my avatar finish my post. Wonderful song. Uncannily relevant lyrics. http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Churches/Now+Is+Not+The+Time

anagram,
First, thank you very much for the song, I cried! it touched my heart. I still hope everything will be ok with us. I believe in us.

He is a mathematician, yes. He's a teacher of mathematics. He knows numbers very well and I like it. There is nothing bad with it for me about being in love with mathematics Lets him do what he likes.

I don't think it is a big flag, really. Many aspies are charmed by such sciences like math, physics and IT. I consider this like their strong side.


About his communication skills - he is shy, yes, but he had friends. He even had girlfriends, yo!! He can do social activities like shopping, working with children. I also advised him to talk to strangers for practice. Maybe when he will have higher self esteem... it won't be a big problem at all to talk to strangers.

Unfortunately, it's not unlikely that this is not important for him. It may be a compromise he's willing to commit to, but actually unable. Poor planning/organizational skills at work.

I can't believe it is not important for him. If you'd see his eyes!! At the contrary, seems for me he knows how to plan (at least from his mouth it comes naturally )

He didn't do anything yet. I am afraid he said it just for keeping me around.
It's quite possible. He may not realize the full extent of the damage he's causing by doing it.

He already tried to split up with me, like he said to give me a chance to find someone real because he can't come fast. We made it up (my initiative) and he said he let himself to be weak. "Weak" means to be with me even he thinks I need a better man.

Sorry I can't bring you a more optimistic forecast.

I didn't meet a one person who would say different than you. Everybody says we never be together and he is "bad" and he is not for you and blah blah blah. Everybody against us. But I still believe. Maybe it is my common feature with aspies ))) I am stubborn too! I never give up and I am going to rich the finish of our with him story.

Thank you for the reply, it was helpful anyway!

Hi sponge,

I have been in your position. Actually in some ways I still am.

Asperger's Syndrome is an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I try to think about it like a color. If I pick the color blue...you know that there is a color spectrum of blues. From very pale baby blues to darkest indigo blues, all blue but slightly different. People on the autistic spectrum have similar traits, but also differences.

People with ASD's often have issues with these three things: social interaction, communication and restrictive repetitive behavior. This is known as the triad of dysfunction. Some people may display difficulty with all three. Some may have moderate difficulty with one and significant difficulty in the other two etc. How proficient the person is with social interaction and communication and how much they are controlled by restrictive repetitive behavior will have a big impact on how they behave in a relationship.

Sorry to go on, that may have been too much information.

The concern that I have with your situation (it reminds me of my first situation) is that he may be very content with an online relationship that places little demands on him in relation to an in person relationship. It is easy for him to fantasize about being together, getting married, having a family etc, but when it comes time to do those things, he may not be able to.

My ex really did care about me and we did meet in real life. But changing his routines and the pressure to communicate with me and move forward in our relationship was just too much. He liked to make online women friends because it made him feel successful in his ability to form a relationship, but it also allowed him to turn the relationship off much easier than if the person was near him. And making these friendships did become a habit and he lied to me about it. He later told me that those relationships were easy and that he didn't really care about them, but that our relationship was much harder for him once it became 'real' and he was often afraid of to quote him, "screwing things up!"

Your boyfriend may have the best intentions in the world, but when it is time to move forward he may not be capable of that and he may not want to tell you. He probably enjoys the relationship as it is and does not want to lose it. He also may not want to admit to himself that he is not capable of progressing in a relationship. The distance that online relationships create often allow for a good excuse as to why things are not progressing.

Fast forward and I am in another long distance relationship with a man who considers himself to be autistic. But he is much much different from my ex. His communication skills are better and he is not so limited by his routines, although he does like them. He also admits to the things that he struggles with and so therefore he is able to talk about them with me. He is moving to be with me in a couple of months. Who would move etc was all discussed and since he works for himself it was his idea to move to be with me. I believe that he will. In almost 2 years he has never said he would do something and not done it.

It was very common for my ex to say he would do something and then not do it. He could never seem to explain why, just apologize and say how sorry he was and that he would do better.

He did try. But it was not enough and eventually (after 3 years) I realized that I would never be content in a relationship like that. He is still single. I hear from him from time to time. He will always be single. It is interesting to me that my ex said that I made him weak and that is why he met me in person even though I think he knew that he should not have.

I would be very careful about this relationship that you are in. Being with you from a distance may fulfill his needs but leave you wanting more.

I wish you the best of luck!
Priscilla