my goals and wishes for the new year (HPD relationship)

TRIGGER WARNING TO PEOPLE WITH HPD OR SENSITIVE PEOPLE. This post started in 2012, before the SOF&F Forum had been created. In light of new developments, and additionally that the subject matter here likely concerns a relationship with a pwHPD, I am respectfully moving this thread to the SOF&F Forum, with a shadow thread left in the regular HPD Forum.

May this thread continue to bring inspiration to Nons and pwHPD in SOF&F...moderator orion

Folks...I did not contact my hpd in 2012...yay for me... I am for the most part over her. But my goal and wish for next year is to reach the next level where I never even think about her..
I reached the point in 2012 where I finally realized she was not coming back...and I also quit being mad at her...nothing bu a waste of energy...
My last hurdle was to quit fantasizing that she will come ro her senses and contact me. I realize now that I will not chase her in my mind any longer...
By continuing to do so I punish myself and give her power...
So I will continue to work on myself for 2013 and live the best life I am capable of living. Chasing and thinking of someone who obviously does not want me is a waste of time. Happy new year to all....!!!

Hi Free -

Just some random thoughts for you. You know I've been reading this forum for a year or two now and I have to say it is fairly rare to have read a story from someone who has HPD that talks about someone they are missing in their life. It does happen, but people with HPD seem to get over their relationships more quickly than others.

This book is rather an interesting read - http://www.wisdomofpsychopaths.com/

If nothing else what we can take away from it is that there is a certain true or perceived strength (the author uses the term 'wisdom' but does not mean it as approval) in having no feelings. True because psychopaths do get ahead some times and can be very 'successful' because of their lack of feelings, but also perceived because many fail in various ways too, including an inability to maintain relationships. A lonely way to live.

I think what is true for those of us who do have feelings, who do get attached to others (long term), is that we can end up feeling bad about ourselves because it seems like those who can relationship hop, or otherwise seem to have little or no emotions appear strong. If you think about it this message is also in much of our media. The cold hearted warrior/hero stereotype is a type of idol. The ruthless wealthy business man/woman is another idolized stereotype. The male or female stereotype that can sleep around and seduce others with no feelings about it is another type of idol. So I guess it's not a big surprise then that being in a relationship with someone who can apparently so easily relationship hop leaves us feeling like they are strong, we are weak, and our self-esteem suffers even after these relationships end.

Great point xdude....now that I have basically gotten over her...I can now see her for who she really is...she IS weak....she must have attention in order to exist... damn I feel sorry for her cuckold husband. Glad I didn't marry her....

-- Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:29 pm --

Great point xdude....now that I have basically gotten over her...I can now see her for who she really is...she IS weak....she must have attention in order to exist... damn I feel sorry for her cuckold husband. Glad I didn't marry her....

One thing that does confuse me about hpds is that several people have said that when they are ignored....they always return at some point...!!! After 2 years I don't see this happening...

What I've read is that a person with HPD may be inclined to return if they feel they've been rejected (aka dumped) by someone whose attention/approval they strongly valued (people with HPD can have stronger feelings for some than others). Rejection hurts all of us, probably more so someone with HPD whose sense of self depends so strongly on approval from others.

Like you just said xdude....rejection hurts all of us. ..and in some wierd way I still miss her. There is still this part of me that feels she left because of my actions...but I tried so hard to get her back and she basically rebuffed my every move. I think she knows the ball is in her court. But according to what you say....if she cared she would have contacted me by now. Since it has been 2 years...it means she does not and never cared.... so I have to quit thinking she will one day come to her senses and magically contact me. Its not happening. And I also have to realize that IF I were to contact HER....she will not be overjoyed but will simply look down on me with disdain and whatever power I have achieve d will be lost... better to continue no contact and move on.... if she really missed me...she can contact me....

-- Tue Jan 01, 2013 10:12 pm --

Like you just said xdude....rejection hurts all of us. ..and in some wierd way I still miss her. There is still this part of me that feels she left because of my actions...but I tried so hard to get her back and she basically rebuffed my every move. I think she knows the ball is in her court. But according to what you say....if she cared she would have contacted me by now. Since it has been 2 years...it means she does not and never cared.... so I have to quit thinking she will one day come to her senses and magically contact me. Its not happening. And I also have to realize that IF I were to contact HER....she will not be overjoyed but will simply look down on me with disdain and whatever power I have achieve d will be lost... better to continue no contact and move on.... if she really missed me...she can contact me....

Good luck man.

Its so hard to not contact them, especially when you really care about them.


Just have to find a way to carry on.

Hello Free,
Sometimes trying to think your way thru an addiction doesn't work by itself...although it can be helpful, I have found that using various techniques to fade out and extinguish the infatuation memories are more useful, at least initially:
-put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it sharply when you remember...same technique used to quit smoking, btw.
-go running, swimming, or another hard work out that raises your endorphins if you are experiencing memories and oxytocin cycling (i.e., remembering the relationship high, then getting depressed afterwards).
Because infatuation and passionate love are not rational processes, why would you think you can solve them only using rational thought?
When you need rationality, go thru the memories with a trained professional, so he/she as your advocate can offer you rational explanations and counterpoints, thus bolstering your own.

You're doing good. Stay strong and stay Free

Looking back over some old posts....thanks Orion and xdude for you feedback. ...

Freeatlast51 wrote:My last hurdle was to quit fantasizing that she will come ro her senses and contact me. I realize now that I will not chase her in my mind any longer...
By continuing to do so I punish myself and give her power...

Freeatlast51, this one was inspiring to read for me as well. It's been 18 months for me and mine. Unfortunately I still have to see her at least once a month during child exchanges. But I have recovered because I know she's sick. And she set me free.