Support needed-Unusual behaviour from wife (bpd?)

***mod edit: moving this post to significant others, family & friends***

I could do with some differing perspectives. I wonder if I am witnessing something I have read as splitting. Truth me told, I am at such a loss, and could do with some perspectives on this.

My wife and I married for the first time in 2005. She was a divorcee. I knew her first husband, whom she described as aggressive, and one of the main reasons she left him.This seemed out of character of the man i knew, i did though observe her speaking to him like he was a child, and even took his wages of him and gave him pocket money, so him being dominant towards her does not fit with the man i knew.

we married in 2005 as i said. We were very happy, a bit of step children stress, no big arguments between me and my wife, just some repeating low level stress. She has Chronic Fatigue syndrome and would get tired easily, and at times, react to small things as if they were big.

We were inseparable in every way. But there was a problem. Each week I would ask her to go to the cinema, each week she would say she was not well enough, could we just go for a meal, but we would go to the cinema next week. So we went for a meal, each time. Eventual with that situation repeating itself for an entire 12 month period, I got angry as I thought I was being played and accused her of being selfish. It was out first row. It last 5 minutes, no swearing, just me accusing her of being selfish. The same afternoon while I was out. She packed up the house on her own, her 6 and 8 year old kids and left. Initiated a divorce after 4 days and refused to ever speak to me again. 18 months after we split up, I had some post arrive for her which I forwarded on. She called he police and said I had been harassing her. I have not spoken to her in 18 months. It was all so surreal.

We divorced in 2006. She then met and married another man. 6 months into that marriage she accused her new husband of being an alcoholic, demanded he get immediate treatment but when he said he did not need treatment. She ended the marriage that afternoon (her own account to me) after only 6 months and kicked him out. Also calling the police on him after he was seen near the house. She accused him of stalking her.

Move forward to 2010 and we met up again. She said she was sorry for the way she treated me, but said that she had been was in a bad place. She had actually divorced me for being abusive ( the one row) and said she felt I had behaved much worse at the time, but now realised that had not been the case. She said that when she left she just shut down all feeling for me, like a light switch, so thought nothing of divorcing me in 2006. We now go the the cinema every week, no problems. Her health is no different, but she admitted to trying harder in the marriage is time. ( so was her health the reason for putting me off going to the cinema for 12 months in our first marriage?)

We got remarried in 2011 and have been inseparable again, just like before. I have had some health problems and stress causing me to be a little irritable and snappy, not abuse, no name calling, just irritable,and on occasion, mainly the last month before she left, not enough for our children to notice, i was just a little out of sorts and less mindful than usual.

One night I had asked to be left alone, i was feeling unwell and irritable and needed to be alone to calm down. She insisted in texting me rather than giving me space, and eventually I said some unkind things to her in the text., I expected to apologise and forget about it, but my wife had other ideas.

The very next day whilst I was at work she has left, uprooting the children who are now teenagers, saying my actions were abusive, refused to talk about our marriage and says she is again filing for divorce. She is showing no emotion towards me at all. Just total indifference. It is like I no longer exist.

She had showered me with fantastic love and affection every day for 3 years, telling me every day she was very happy, during face to face contact, daily emails and text while I am at work. My adult son who lives with us said he thought we were devoted to one another. She then said that she was not leaving me because of the text that wrote in the text, she was close to leaving already due to frequently disrespected her when I was irritable, making it our like it had been hell these last 3 years and my irritable had been "abuse". That is simply preposterous. My adult son said I am occasionally a Little touchy, only on occasion, only for a second or two, and never directed at anyone in particular,

We had one row over a BBQ of all things and she immediacy changes to someone with no regard for me, all the last 3 years of fantastic times are immediately forgotten, she refuses to to admit that we had enjoyed these 3 fabulous years together, and will not acknowledge any depth of great times, just seeing our time together as ok at best, or simply bad. I have 2000 photos of us together and she refuses to even consider they show us having had a lovey time together these last 3 years. Total denial. Like the good times never happened.

She had told me the morning prior to our argument that she was so very much in love with me and had never been happier, she seem content all the time. We were financially secure, with a lovely home,math kids settled, and expressed total satisfaction with us and our family life, something she said virtually very day these last 3 years.

Now, she is exaggerating small things that did occur, and making them huge, refuses to talk to me, or about our relationship at all, but insists again on divorce, immediately, yet 24 hours before she left and every day prior to the last 3 years, she told me and all her friends and family that she had never been happier. Our intimacy was great, I thought I had been married tithe happiest woman in the world.

I cannot understand what is going in. When she left me, she brought up things of 7 years ago of me asking her to cook another egg after the first one split and ended up looking like road kill on the plate as an example of my unreasonable behaviour. I often spent hours in the kitchen cooking my wife wonderful meals so thought nothing of asking her to spend an extra minute cooking an egg. She even accused me of having an incident on honeymoon, when I sad to her that I was a annoyed after the vinegar bottle lid came opens and flooded my dinner with vinegar, it was a discussion between us, nothing more, it was never talked about again, but 2 years later, she brings it up as an example of my intolerance of situations and why she has to leave me.

I am so very confused. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. Clearly this is not usual behaviour but she blames me for her leaving me, and everything that has ever gone wrong, big or small. It's me, always me at is wrong.

In actual fact, it's all been small issues that have come up, and then, only infrequently. She takes no responsibility for leaving, or the harm caused to us or our kids by her leaving and never accepts she does anything wrong. Ever.

One thing. She does not express negative emotions often, always remaining stable, calm and level headed even during unpleasant or stressful times, though shows great affection, but never anger, or annoyance, at is up until we have a solitary row, even a small one, and it ends up with the immediate loss of the relationship.

She is on Amitriptyline, to aid her with poor coping skills ( I guess anxiety of some description linked to her Chronic fatigue syndrome, and her mother died when she was 12, leaving here to be brought up by her father. She's also a highly religious individual, believing in marriage until death us do part, though when divorce comes up, she somehow justifies it as escaping an abusive relationship is ok, referring to me this time, me last time and her previous husband, who she accused of being an alcoholic.


I looked at BPD and recognised A a little of "splitting" but also I read perhaps bit too much online and ended up confusing myself. Yes I would like to make our marriage work. My wife when we were married first time spent a year telling me her CFS was preventing her going to the cinema, and led to our first and only argument, that she divorced me over when I accused her of always being well enough to do the things she wanted, but never well enough to do the things I wanted to.

Having remarried in 2011, we have been to the cinema every other week since then, her CFS is unchanged. I think I was manipulated into believing her CFS was so bad she was unable to accompany me to the cinema. But that turned out to be a lie, a lie continued for a whole year, and she divorced me citing abuse, when I challenged her CFS being the reason she did not want to go, which actually turns out to have been true. So in effect, she had lied for a whole year, took offence when I found her out, then divorced me for being abusive after I challenged her illness as not being the genuine reason. She had in fact caused the whole sorry affair that let to the break up of our first marriage.

In the four years we are together is time, life could not have been more stable or happier. It appears that when order is brought into question, especially if I offend her in any way, like in an argument, something is triggered and she immediately rejects me, despite her giving up her home, our lifestyle, financial security by walking away.

Our history includes that when she had left before, she almost immediacy gets involved in another relationship, which never turns out quite how she would like, that ends and then she engages with me. There are a few cycles of this that has happened. But each time she leaves, the fall out is terrible. She blames me, or the other men in her life for everything, never ever looks at herself and is so set on divorce, she actions a solicitor within 24 hors of leaving, never to look back until the next relationship is over, then she thinks I was the true love of her life, which I am sure I am, but never will she fight for me, or even talk with me until months or years after the damage is done by her leaving.

I would like to save our marriage this time, but she has stonewalled me since leaving 2 months ago. I hear from her only over practical things like collecting her belongings. Any attempt to email her or text to discuss us is totally ignored, each and every time. She refuses to talk about us with our mutual friends and I speak to one of her friends who says also that my wife will give no explanation for leaving. If I had been abusive, she would be able to say so, so easily.

I have said to her via one last text that I wish to have a face to face meeting, but all requests so far have been ignored. Another issues is that she keeps telling me I want to be with someone fit and healthy, which is utter rubbish. I made some reference to wanting to fly, she won't fly as she get scared, and my one reference led to weeks of discussion of me needing someone fit and healthy. It's like there is a high defence system being activated at the slightest touch.

Please can anyone give me a clue as to what is going on. I wish to save my marriage but do not know what is going on. She is refusing to talk to me right now. So any help in understanding may just make a difference. I have written to her, asking to talk but she ignores every request to speak.

Thank you

hi baileys -

your (ex)wife is definitely displaying some fear(s) of abandonment and abuse. before i even get into your issue(s), it's very typical of those who react with such black & white behavior that they are responding to triggers that are causing said reaction. what is your wife's past in regards to her upbringing with abuse/confrontation/abandonment? i also find it highly extreme the way she's involving her now teenage children into a 4th marriage, 2 with the same person (being you). this is also extremely unhealthy.

wineaux

My wife's mother was ill with asthma for many years in her early childhood, with her being raised by her father after her mother died, he is a christian man, nice, polite, but not one for allowing negative expressions or emotions. She was raised a strict christian. He father and mother had a lovely relationship. She was exciting and vibrant, the father somewhat stayed though, with limited emotions. When her mother died when my wife as at age 12, the father brought her up. She showed little emotion in terms of anger, aggression, but, very loving, caring, passionate but controlled with it. just never shows any negative emotions, but does think negatively frequently (as does her father), who she states is rigid in thought, frustrating to talk to, unemotional and boring, thats how she refers to her dad, but in a kind caring way, but fails to see any similarity in herself. She has one older brother who appears pretty stable and he does not understand his sister's behaviour at all.

She was diagnosed with CFS/ME when she was 19, she is 40 now and going through the pre menopause. Though when she left in 2006, that would not have been the case and her behaviour is virtually a mirror to her actions then. She has been treated for anxiety for about the same amount of time but refuses to accept having any psychological symptoms, other than she can only cope if she has everything the way she needs them.

I knew here first husband very well. She was married to her first husband for 10 years, but controlled everything from money to when sex would happen, she would take his wages off him and give him pocket money to live on. She told me all this herself, saying it was like living with a child. She told me, and him, that she only stayed with him after the first year of marriage as they had children together. I witnessed her talking to him like he was an infant. It was terrible to watch. She said he was aggressive with her at time, but she said the same about me and it is simply not true. I have known him 13 years and he may have the odd narky moment, but he is anything but a bad man.

My wife ruminates a lot, reads things into everything and tells me regularly what i think, mainly about me not accepting her illness or the limitations it brings. She tells me that I do not like her father, even though we get on great, or that I was annoyed when he came to stay once, when in actual fact the only thing i asked was how long was he staying. I am frequently TOLD what I think or what annoys me or that certain things annoy me, that I don't like certain people, or situations, none of which is true.

When I tell her that I am happy with a person, or there is no problem, she insist that she knows me, and I am angry or annoyed with whatever. It is very frustrating, but mainly I am TOLD that I have a problem with her illness, even though I am very supportive. I say one thing, one time, and it is like I never care, or never show interest, everything is exaggerated enormously. She focuses on her illness daily, friends are 'her support network' etc. but those things aside, she is charming, beautiful, kind, thoughtful, loving, but one or two arguments, 2000 plus days of excitement and a loving relationship are met with total indifference, coldness, loss of all emotion, but still willing to discuss practical issues, just not us.

She is still wearing her wedding ring and said she is not looking to get a divorce (not yet as she cannot afford legal bill), but 8 weeks in, refuses all contact about us and is insistent that because in her own words, I have snapped at her at times when under pressure, that my actions were disrespectful and "abusive", and having put everything into our marriage, its now over with no intent to talk or to compromise. She refuses to look at all the evidence of our relationship, the thousands of cards, photos, emails and even our friends and families account of how happy we all seemed.

A bit of history. When we were first together, one day we had words, just briefly over her son's behaviour. she terminated the relationship on the spot. she came back a month later and apologised, only to repeat leaving or one minor disagreement 6 months later. She eventually returned but not until she had had another relationship that had not worked out, insisting that it was me that she loved and could we give things another go. I agreed because I loved her. She reacted this was in 2006, leaving our first marriage after our first actual argument, and she turned up after 9 months to talk, (after another relationship with a different man did not work out) to say we should be friends, I believe she wanted to give things another go, but could not bring herself to admit she should not have left, it took her mother 3 years to do so. In that time she had had a relationship with another man, married him, but left him after 18 months together, 6 months married, after she she found some alcohol bottles and decided he was an alcoholic. She said that she never smelt alcohol but felt he ended treatment, and when he refused, she ended the marriage and kicked him out, calling the police on him twice, when he was seen near the house hey sabred. She contacted me shorty after, told me that i was the love of her life and could we give things another go.


When we got back together in 2010, she apologised for leaving and said sorry for when she described me as abusive, admitting that at the time, that was how she saw me, but time and calmed feelings had allowed her a fresh look and realising i was not an abusive man, she wanted us to get back together. She now states again that she was right to leave in 2006 because i am still an abusive man. My wife does not work, has very strong Christian beliefs, though when asked about what it says in the bible about marriage and its commitment, she said God will understand and its ok to leave abusive relationships.

My wife, is kind, gentle, loving, honest, thoughtful, intimate, we are in effect, inseparable, but, some minor upset over a period of time, or one large argument, ( 20 minutes without name calling, or abisive behaviour, maybe just raised voices) it's enough to trigger the ending of our marriage. It's so confusing. And how to bring this to a happy conclusion, I just don't know.

She has a close but non tactile relationship with her children. She is fiercefully protective of them. Has very hight standards when it comes to behaviour and does seem to understand the needs of her children very well. she is not affectionate with them though, and neither is she with her father, at all. I used to give my dad hugs all the time, and im forever hugging my daughter and adult son, but in 11 years I have never known them exchange so much as a handshake. She does however express great affection towards me, very tactile, though she told me that has only been with me, not her other partners, I am a very tactile man and she likes it. I think I helped her become tactile. Her friendships are not what i would describe as intimate, more acquaintance than best buddies.

just like during our first marriage, for the 2000 plus days that we have been together this time, she appeared wonderfully happy, and in fact sent me text and emails daily when i was at work saying how happy and content she was, right up until the weekend we fell out. She had told all her friends how happy she was and our children had never seen either of us so happy and content, we were very affectionate together, very romantic, little conflict between us, just quite a bit of pressure over work and health worried the last couple of months before she left.

When my wife left, I contacted her church minister. He told me that my wife had said to him she wanted the marriage over as I was an abusive and controlling man and that the house had a terrible atmosphere most of the time due to my anger when things went outside of my control. It was like she was forever walking on eggshells. It is though preposterous and as far a way form the life we shared as it is possible to get.

My adult son wrote to the minister and his email is self explanatory:


"Hi, thanks for coming over and speaking to my dad today, I just wanted to give my own opinion of the situation that has unfolded as if I have picked up anything it is that this entire scenario is anything but cut and dry.

If we start with why she left. She claims that my dad is in effect, abusive. This is simply not the case. As he has explained in terms of "big" disagreements in which raised voices (no name calling, no swearing though) was involved just a couple of occassions in the 3 years. Fair enough I am not always present but this negative atmosphere that she describes lasting for periods of months has not been seen by myself, and I am home most weeks and away only occasional weekends this last year and half or so. For the majority of their time together they appeared perfectly fine. Very much in love and happy for the duration of their marriage.

She says that he is controlling. In which dad's response saying that he would let her do as she pleases when she pleases. This too would be the case, I have never seen any evidence of controlling money or what she is allowed to do, dad tells her to do however she pleases, he is besotted with her and always puts her needs first. She feels "You do not listen to me from time to time" equals he is completely controlling or don't listen at all, dad is very caring towards her always putting her first, always. I believe what she is doing is "thinking with how she feels" putting two and two together than just seriously addressing the facts.

In recent months she and my dad still seemed as close as ever. In the week leading up to her leaving there were evident issues. In this particular week a lot was going on with his work, health and external stresses such as having the builders in and the fireplace being rebuilt and she does not cope well with disruption. In this stressful environment all it took was the straw that broke the camels back for her to pick up and leave.

When my dad was on breaking point she Text me with a pretty heartless apology. My response was which still stands now... "He doesn't need his friends he needs you. You've walked out and gone about this in completely the wrong way. You're running away and not looking back at what you've left behind. You've taken a last resort as a first point of action." She changed her story to me about why she left a few times in the space of a few minutes, saying whatever fits to justify why she left a marriage so suddenly. With no warning or attempt of fixing.

This is exact same way the previous marriage ended. Which appeared to go from bliss and happiness to walking out in the space of a day with no explanation or time to discuss. Sweeping the rugs from our feet so to speak for a second time now.

I do not want may marriage to end, nor do not know what is going on, or how to resolve the situation. We have had 2 arguments in 4 years. My wife always appeared delightfully happy, but there is a pattern of ending relationships, including to me, and I feel helpless with it all, so any help to understands what is really going on would be appreciated.

Thank you

I'm no psychiatrist and no one can diagnose someone through the internet but it sounds more like Narcissistic Personality disorder.

A huge devalue and discard - over calling her selfish re: the cinema. Moves on instantly without looking back. Then when she's low on narcissistic supply and attention, comes back round and is all lovey dovey and apologetic to get you back in - including going to the cinema.

I agree. She could be a "vulnerable Narcissist."

But it sounds like Narcissism to me. She's not emotional enough to be Borderline

Yes, I can see Vulnerable Narcissist. I just had a read and lots of it fit.

how do I communicate, or resolve this situation for the better of our marriage, is ti possible?

this is our history., And yes, I am a soft touch.



When we met, she told me that her first husband did not satisfy her emotionally, sexually, or intellectually, quantities she said she saw in me.

Weeks after getting together, one disagreement, our very first and she was leaving me, ending our relationship on the spot. Her willingness to discuss the situation was non existent, then just as it is today. It was just "we are over" period. She cut me dead and treated me like I didn't exist. It was the most heartless thing I had ever witnessed. I had no idea then that she would repeat that behaviour many times over, against a man she says is the love of her life. She were upset, sure, I understand her feelings, but her reaction to becoming upset was extreme to say the least. Leaving the man she said that she loved, the man she said had become the love of her life, just like that, well, I had never known anything like it.

She came back though and said that she were sorry for leaving, only to leave again after our next disagreement a few months later, and yet again, when I try to talk to her about her extreme reaction to a general disagreement, she again cut me dead, ignoring all my text and telephone calls to try and get us back together, refusing to speak to me, to discuss what happened. She acted so cold towards me, like I no longer mattered. I was left heartbroken, for a second time in less than 12 months.

But sure enough, she came back yet again, repeating her apology that she were sorry for leaving, saying that she were grateful that I had stood by her. All the time I give her exactly what she wanted and needed, she were content, happy, engaging, loving, intimate, but as soon as there is a break in her needs being met or she gets upset by something I have said or done, and I am not talking abuse, or hitting her, or swearing at her even, just a cross word, some disagreement or another, she savagely ends our relationship, savagely destroying our life together, savagely ignore my hurt feelings. She goes from idolising me to treating me like I, and our relationship never existed. It's like I no longer mattered to her, or my children, her step children no longer mattered to her. 

What makes this situation worse is that when she leaves, she says it is because I do not love her enough, or I have a problem with her ill health, or that I do not care enough about her, when it is obvious to everyone, that I love her like my life depended on it, always forgiving her, always taking her back.  

But we again get back together. Back together and very much in love again. She moves back in and we are happy again but like history repeating itself, the next time time I offended her in some way, she leave me again, only this time for 3 months, with her going off with her plumber who had turned up at her rented home to do some work. She were not missing me then?  

But later she again turns up at mine, telling me that she wanted to come back to me as it didn't work out with him.

The next time she left me was after we married. She left me after our solitary argument over going to the cinema. She had said she were not well enough to go to the cinema, every week for a year she said that to me, but she were well enough, she admitted to me this time that she just had not made the effort, but this time she did and we have been most weeks to teh cinema this last 4 years, but back then, she didn't, and that had caused us to fall out, all so avoidable had she just told me the truth that she just didn't want to go.

Having had our solitary argument that incorporated no swearing, no name calling, no threats and no violence, she divorced me without so much as telling me why. She accused me of being abusive, to her and to her two children. Abusive to her over your health, over money.  That was not true. None of it.

Though she had walked out on our marriage and on me yet again, she come back, 9 months later. After leaving me, she went off and had a sexual relationship with a man she met online, only she didn't have the relationship with him that she wanted and she again turned up at my door. But I was with someone then, only just, and I was not so quick to just walk away. Instead of talking and us working things out, she walked away yet again, only to marry a different man she met on another dating site. But she left him, in her own words after 18 months of being happy together over his refusal to get help for alcoholism, something he felt he did not need. She hadn't spoken to his GP to get some advice, or spent months encouraging him to get help, that is if he indeed needed it, he may well have done, i don't know, i have never met the man, but she abandoned that marriage after just 6 months just as quick as she had done so with ours. She told me she applied for an immediate divorce, just like she did when she left me. It was only when her marriage to this new man did not work out did she get back in touch with me, saying she had never stopped loving me and I was still the love of your life, making it clear she wanted us to get back together.

For the four years we have been together this time, we had been totally in love and inseparable with very few arguments, plenty of love and affection, much togetherness, and no sign of unhappiness from you, ever. Not one word. That is why she asked me to marry her this time, and I jumped at the chance because I have always ben so in love with her. All the time I am satisfying her emotionally, and not upsetting her in any way, I.e. no arguments, or disagreements, she is happy, in love, devoting herself to me, caring about me, putting me first, being the best wife and partner she could possibly be.

But, I upset her, not often, just now and again, not intentionally, but due to being unwell or under a lot of stress and pressure but none the less I upset her, and she leaves me yet again, again saying I am abusive, ending our marriage like passing a hot knife through butter. No attempt by her to overcome any minor difficulties, no attempt by her to fight for me. The change in her from loving and devoting herself to me every single day for four years and then one disagreement, she savagely ends our marriage, like it is meaningless.

In a single stroke, her love for me appears to be gone, her feelings for me appear to be gone, her care about my wellbeing, the same, gone. It's like I no longer exist. Her willingness to talk to me is none existent, not one word sat round a table, every request to talk simply ignored.

Hours before she left me she had been lying in my arms telling me how happy she were, telling me what a wonderful husband I have been to her. I upset yher just once, whilst I was under the influence of alcohol, the first time in the 12 years that she has known me, and she ends our marriage, just like that. And she thinks my actions are questionable.

She then sabotage our marriage, destroy my reputations and accuse me of being long term abusive to her, insisting I need to be with someone fit and healthy, that her health is a problems to me, she tells me that I do not like your dad, she tells me that he dad annoys me, she tells me what i think on many different subjects, none of which is true and then she refuses to communicate with me at all, stonewalling me, and my children's including my adult son’s attempts to gain some understanding from her as to why she is leaving again.
right now, she refuses to communicate about us. At all. All I get is “I cannot say what you want to hear”, “I cannot give you what you want.” “We don't work”

Bailey, do this exercise : read your own posts and pretend it's another forumist asking these questions.
What would advise him? What would you think about him and his relantionship?

Past behavior is always a good indicator of future behavior. You did not estimate this will happen again when you took her back?

Since I see that your asking what can be done to "fix" your marriage once again, do you believe this will not happen again, if you manage to make peace with her?

Try to understand that you cannot "fix" other people, personality disordered or not. You can only work on yourself.

I did that, boy am I in denial. I have just read about covert narcissist behaviour, it so fits. Yes, reading my own post, I have not only been a sucker, but a walk over too. They say love is blind. It's because when we are together life is just so perfect, in this last case, nearly 4 years, but I always end up here, alone, blaming myself. Nothing had changed because I am still doing it.

Just an update and now even more confused.

I recently heard from my wife after nearly 4 months of ignoring me. I had asked many times to talk and to discuss our marriage and her reasons for leaving me again, but all attempts to talk have been refused. She did however, send me a list of her reasons for ending our marriage, and this has led to me to an even greater level of bemusement and confusion, and distress on my part.

On the back of my adult son’s account, who lived with us daily throughout our marriage (and mine) who described us both as a loving and devoted couple, with a loving home atmosphere and with very rare disagreements and no conflict of any kind, my wife has said that she left because felt so on edge waiting for me to erupt over any little thing.

She said that she had been into my adult son's room plenty of times in tears with me having reduced her to tears by my horrid treatment of her, insisting that my son will remember these occasions and that and if he chooses not to confirm this, he is simply being loyal to me. My son is totally bemused by this suggestion, having only ever heard one occasion of me raising my voice which is documented in earlier entries. He insisted he has no idea what my wife is talking about and if I am ever wrong, my son will not hesitate in telling me, we have a very open and honest relationship.

My wife also stated that she went to church in tears on a number of occasions after I had again reduced her to tears by my unreasonable and aggrieve behaviour. But I did not wake up on Sunday mornings until my wife woke me with a cuppa before immediately leaving for church, (I didn't go with her but stayed home with the kids) so I have no idea where this even comes from. My wife would never have been seen in public upset so this suggestion just bemuses me even more. Also, she never once said what I had done that had upset her, and when an incident of any kind happened, I never hear the end of it, and she always follows up her feelings with texts and emails on whatever subject had upset her (like using an electric scooter below). So I am left being accused of a number of times of being so horrid I reduced her to tears but no account as to what or when i am meant to have done these horrid things.

My wife went on to accuse me of being rude and insensitive to her father because sometimes when he visited I would be on the telephone. He came infrequently as my wife went to see her father every day, as he lives in the same village (how is being not the phone a sign of me being horrid?). Also, I have some memory problems and one time I had asked to my wife’s father to just allow me to finish what I was saying so I did not lose my train of thought, all verity politely, (my wives father is in his 70’s and I had a pretty good relationship with him) anyway, I am now accused by my wife of telling him to “shut up”. I just cannot take it in.

Another example of me being horrible to my wife’s father included an accusation of me moving his belongings off my daughters desk one time when he stayed with us about 2 years ago. Not that I can remember this at all, but when her father stayed, he stayed in my wife son's bedroom for a couple of weeks as my daughter shared a room with my wives daughter and the room had bunk beds, so her father would never have gone into my daughters room anyway. To be fare, if his belongings were moved off or around a desk, there were 3 adults and 3 children in the house, anyone could have moved them, but my wife is instant it was me and that it is evince of me being horrid. His belongings were not thrown away or broken, jus moved somehow. I just cannot take in how this is a reason to leave me…

Lastly, a few conversations when I had been slightly critical or I have had a differing opinion to my wife has been exaggerated beyond belief, including me “screaming in her face”, “swearing at her” and having “rages”, when we had nothing more than a conversation that her position or point of view was disagreed with.

What is hard is that she has refused to discus the allegation but when I bumped into her recently, she was adamant that these allegation are true, and she seemed to me to genuinely believe them, just as she had appeared to genuinely believe that I had been abusive to her (and her two young children) during our first marriage causing her to leave me, even though 3 and a half years later she admitted that I had in actual fact, been really good to them all, which in turn led to us getting back together again in 2009.

She is instant that this time I had been frequently aggressive to her, raging, abusive, insulting, and just horrible at other times, an account as far removed as it is possible to get, given we were devoted to each other, rarely ever had so much as a cross word and this account is evidenced in the text and emails my wife sent me daily, as well as the account my children and our mutual friends, and also by a close member of my wife’s own family who saw us together frequently.

My wife was also very angry that I had not supported her suggestion that she needed an electric scooter to allow her to go around our local shopping complex. My wife has no trouble walking as a rule, and we have visited this shopping mall over 40 times together, perhaps more, and she frequently walks miles with me on any given day out. Occasionally she has stopped for a rest if she has been on her feel for a long time, but so have I. I had refused to pander to her obvious need to focus unnecessary attention of her illnesses and that has led her to feel abused by my insensitivity.

Interestingly, this relative said that my wife has a history of making false allegations (though she herself always seems to genuinely believe these things to have happened), including my wife’s first husband being a violent aggressive abuser of women (not likely), I was the 2nd husband who she first left after accusing me of being abusive to her (and her two young children) after I had called her selfish for using her illness as a reason not to go to the cinema every week for over a year, when it was evident that she was well enough to go shopping, to church, our with her friends, and alike, only to retract it entirely 3 and half years later that led to us getting back together, (though now she is once again insisting that I was abusive to her and her children during our first marriage).

A further allegation was that her 3rd husband who she divorced after 6 months of marriage was an alcoholic transvestite who dressed up in women's clothes (though she admitted to me that she never saw him drink but having found empty alcohol bottles in the house was proof to her that he was one, and therefore, as he posed a danger to her and her children as well as their respectable way of life, she had no choice buy to leave that marriage too. She also made allegations that two senior members of the in laws (including her first husband’s own father) had tried it make a sexual pass at her, and that as a 16 years old working in local hospital, my wife had made an allegations that a medical professional had also done the same, all fictions allegations according to my wife’s relative.

What is hard for me to understand, as I have heard of these allegation too directly from my wife, is that she truly believes these incidents to have taken place, perceiving herself to be a victim each time, and she speaks with real conviction.

Her relative (and I) believes her physical illness of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is not real or is vastly exaggerated, and that most of her symptom are a result of her Anxiety Disorder that she is treated for (though my wife reuses to admit she has any psychological symptoms) and perhaps something more serious effecting her mental health. What is clear, even with her own family, she refuses to have her point of view challenged, and just shuts people down, dismisses their opinions or changes the subject if they do not agree with the allegations she is making, just as she is doing with me.

I lost my wife the first time around over things that I had not done and that had never actually happened. It now feels like history has repeated itself and I feel so helpless.

I just wonder if anyone has any idea what might actuality be going on. I know people tell lies but this is more than that and actually, my wife is walking away from what was a devoted relationship, she seemed so genuinely happy, 99 % of the time, she loses a man she has showered in love and affection, she could not have been a better more devoted wife, tyne kids were happy, we have a lovely home, together we are financially secure and she never asked for anything from me when she leaves, there is nothing in this for her to benefit from at all, but the slightest bit of relationship stress or difficulty, she changes overnight into someone who is resentful of her life with me, every little incident when i was not perfect is remembered and brought up, vastly inaccurate, levelled with allegations of frequent abusive behaviour, when the evidence of those who have seen us together, my and any children observations and my wife’s relatives and her own account too in every email and text message to me that recorded her as saying that she was in love with me, happy and excited at having wonderful and future together. She then turns overnight into someone cold, indifferent, to me, our history, our life together, my children, it is like none of us matter, she loses all love, all feeling, all care, its like me do not exist, that none of us matter, yet 24 hours before we fell out, I had the happiest wife in the world in my arms.

This is I am sure a lot for anyone to ge their head around but as time goes by, I am getting more not less confused with what is going on and some addition thoughts would be really helpful. Her relative has offered to help but just does not know how to.. Same here.

Hi Baileys -

Just from my personal experience, it sounds like she may be someone who re-writes history in her mind.

It can seem entirely illogical, but there is a logic to it. There is simply no great analogy or way to explain it, but it's somewhat like trying to talk to someone who switches how they think on-the-fly to make the world match what they want to believe. A person can always be 'right' if they are willing to throw everything to the wind and believe what suits them, and if their own memories get in the way, that can be re-written too. Perhaps she is triggered by some deep seated fears of abandonment, or something else. Re-writing history is one way a person can cope, but comes at the cost that it's near impossible to trust someone who does this.

Something to consider too - If you do try to make this work, and she is not actively getting professional help, what is going to be different the next time? A risk for you too is to pick/choose your memories, to remember the good times and forget the issues, until it happens yet again.