im ...

My name is Serene and I think I have this disorder. The first time I started faking sick was when I was 6 years old I was sitting by my mother with my legs crossed the wrong way. I felt a pain for a couple of seconds but it went away when I fixed my legs. Though the pain was gone I still cried to my mother telling her my leg felt horrible and that there was so much pain, she took me to the hospital and they asked me about the pain and I lied saying that it stung and and that it never went away. I knew I was lying but being around the hospital felt good, to see people worry ,to smell the hospital smell it made me happy. I stayed at the hospital for about 4 months lying and crying about the pain, until the doctors sent me home with a stretcher thingy so i could practice walking. I'm not saying that I never felt guilt, i did I felt guilty for making my mother and father stay at the hospital with me. I felt guilty for taking the attention away from my brother who was 11 then. As I got older I started to hurt myself purposely I would hit my hands on the walls or trip myself so I could just go to the hospital, I just wanted to be there... I still do. I always have this urge pushing me to be there, I just want to be normal. whatever that means! I think i also have a personality disorder it isn't very bad, I just sometimes copy others. I act like them and talk like them involuntarily. I always fell shy around others, there aren't many people who have the same interest as me except for my best friend who goes to another school. . Even knowing that I'm like this, I feel special because i do have some type of problem! I don't want to feel happy because of this but it won't go away. I started to not go to the hospital as much last year when I began middle school. I felt happy to be around new teachers and people who cared about me, everything was going great until I passed out from dehydration in gym class. I started to get headaches so I had to stay in the hospital for a while, when i was there I felt good like I was supposed to be there. I found out that I had migraines, which I think i don't have actually. the headaches went away but I kept lying saying that my head hurt so people assumed they were migraines, I lied about what i feel they feel like sharp pains in the back of my head and I rarely ever feel them. I told people that my headaches felt like a boom boom in temple area. After a while I've stopped lying about my headaches and it's been 3 months since i've said anything. I don't want to tell my mom that this is probably what I have because she'll be ashamed in me, she'll think i'm lying about my feelings. I'll hurt everyone around me. I just want this lying to stop. I keep telling myself, the hospitals for sick people who need help. you're not sick! people are dying and your not even here for a real reason! I'm only **edit**a teen and I just want help before I do something stupid. I'm going to the nueroligist soon. I don't know what to do. I didn't even know this was something, I thought I was the only person who liked hospitals. I feel a little better knowing that i'm not alone.

Hi

You are very brave to be so honest. I think that ppl lie and exagerate symptoms for many reasons and I am sure you have important reasons as to why you do this. I think it would really help you to explore these with a therapist. You have insight and you are seeking help which is a big thing. Ask for help and I really hope things improve for you

Hugs

Cracked

Hey there,
I can't give advice because I don't know the answers myself but first I wanted to thank you for your honesty because it inspires me with hope and second to say that I really relate to what you shared. I loved hospitals or at least the idea of them. I have managed to stay away for a long time now but I spent a long time in and out of medical and psychiatric hospitals and it wasn't so much that I loved being in them as I craved it. I felt a yearning to be in one, cared for, special. I try not to analyse too much but I guess I was craving the love that I had somehow come to believe could be found in them. I wanted someone to love me and take care of me, hold me for a while.

I don't believe (or at least the kind part of me) that I did these things because I was bad, just sick(as in unwell) and misguided. I can't tell you how much hope it gives me to see you seeking help now, I'm not old (32) but I wish I could have been honest long before now as i ve hurt myself, my family and friends and lost so many opportunities. I've got physical scars now which I painstakingly try to hide as I'm ashamed and just feel 'damaged'.

I hope that you find the love and support that you need and that you carry on posting here as id love to know how you get along.
Take care x