Should/How can I go back? [Long]

I'm female, 19, a chef, vary large, quite tall, generally very friendly and talkative, I like to talk to and help other people and always have. I think I have factitious disorder. I didn't even know it was a real thing until yesterday and I intend to go to my doctor about it, but I think that I have factitious disorder.

I faked DID and fainting for about 9 months, starting roughly 18 months ago. 90% of the time I believed it was real and true, or couldn't tell, but the rest of the time I knew it wasn't. I would sometimes exaggerate injuries as a child. I craved attention from the people around me but didn't know how to get it. I admitted to the lie about 6 months ago to the people who were most closely involved, and they say that they've forgiven me, but others don't know and I don't know how to live with myself. I need to go to my doctor, the same doctor I went to about the faked DID, and tell them about this. Mostly because I need help with my actual issues, but I'm scared noone will take me seriously because they know I'm a faker.

Things that are wrong with me REALLY.
-I have major difficulty telling between memories and dreams, the truth and lies. This means that if I start lying I can very quickly get lost and convince myself it's all true. Same with daydreams and fantasies compared to actual occurrences. If it's not happening right in front of me RIGHT NOW it's a serious struggle to work out the truth.
-I am quite certain I suffer from depression. I feel very unhappy much of the time, often for no real reason. I cry at least twice a week and become hysterical (cry without ability to stop or control myself, feel a desire to hit things and hurt myself) about once a fortnight. This has been going on, I think, for 3-4 years with occasional 'breaks' of up to 3 months.
-I used to self harm often, by cutting, under-eating and making myself sick. I seem to have managed to drag all of that under control. I did it sometimes because the hurt felt good to me, but it also gave me the feeling that I was special because I was different and I could do things to my body other people couldn't do to theirs. Sometimes I would show or tell close friends about it because I wanted them to understand that everything in me hurt and noone listened or cared. I have previously contemplated suicide and made an attempt about 3 years ago, and told a friend almost immediately because I wanted them to understand the pain.
-I feel a need to be special, important, cared for and loved, to the point where realising that I am 'normal' is devastating to me. This is stupid because I hold nobody but me up to this standard of needing to be special.
-I am very easily influenced and obsess quickly and easily about things, from a matter of hours to a matter of months. I can be influenced by everything from music and television to comments and conversations I overhear.
-I often find that when I'm happy I become childish and silly, even talking in a childlike voice.
-Sometimes I get images in my head. It happens most often when I blink and the images tend to be violent or horrific. I don't see them like a picture behind my eyelids or happening in real life, I just know them and feel them. This is often accompanied by a sense of nausea and/or a minor headache that go away within a few minutes. Images have included shoving an iron nail into my thumbs, people tearing out their eyes, people's faces rotting etc. It probably happens about once every 2 days when I'm in a good place, and up to twice an hour when I'm in a bad place.
-I often get anxious in social situations, to the point where I cannot make decisions or stay in a place too long when there are too many people or it's too loud. I also become anxious about loud noises, bright lights, too much noise and become very flighty. Situations involving food are very stressful. I often feel that people are judging me as I walk around in public, thinking about how fat and ugly I am, that they know that I'm a liar and a fake and so on.
-I sometimes hear voices and have conversations inside my head. When I say I hear voices they don't sound like they're coming from outside my head, I know they're inside, they sound like they're inside but they are there. They to to be insulting and rude.

But how can I go back to my doctor and go, well yeah that one was fake, but this one is real. I don't even know if what's listed above is abnormal or if everybody gets these things. I'm scared to act in case they laugh or get angry. I'm scared not to because there's so much in my head that feels weird and foreign it sometimes feels like it'll split open like an egg.

Can someone please help me?
Do I have factitious disorder?
Are the symptoms I've listed above normal, or should I go to a doctor?
How am I even meant to face a doctor when I know I wasted their time SO BADLY?
How am I even meant to live with myself after all I've done?

Hi

I think it is really important you go to your Dr as it sounds like you have stuff going on that needs addressing. Do you have a therapist atm? They would also be a good person to talk to if you do. I think that it will help you to be honest and to let ppl know both that you have made things up but also that you have some issues you have not made up that you need help with. Hopefully by being honest about what you have and have not made up they will help you. It is brave to admit you have a problem with this and I think that hopefully you will be able to get some help. Good luck and keep us posted

Cracked

Hey Cracked!

I have told some people that it was faked, about 8, but others have had the simpler response that I didn't have the disorder we thought I did, I was just confused and unable to cope. No current therapist, but a supportive partner!

I'm trying really, really hard to be clear about exactly what my symptoms are, so I'm keeping a list that I update as they happen. It should help me not get confused by what I imagine happened or exaggerate either. Is that a good idea?

Foa

Foa wrote:I'm keeping a list that I update as they happen. It should help me not get confused by what I imagine happened or exaggerate either. Is that a good idea?

I think this is a really good idea

Keep talking

Hugs

Cracked