Facing the truth

I am a married female, in my 40s with grown children. I have recently been confronted by a doctor treating me that I have Munchausen's. He recommended I see a psychiatrist. I denied it vehemently. But the truth is, I have been self-inflicting injuries and "faking" illnesses - even multiple personality disorder - for years.

I am deeply ashamed of this and can't admit it to anyone. It sickens me physically, and I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't know if it is possible, but I want to stop on my own. I hope this board is still active, maybe I can find some support here.

Gentlebreeze,
Yes this board is still active. I don't know if you can receive enough support just from here that you will be able to continue on. I think it would be best to get a therapist and if you are not opposed to meds, there are some great ones that may be able to alleviate some of your symptoms.

And besides..you have taken the first step....coming clean and admitting what you have

Take Care and please write as often as you fell the need.

Kathy

Question: in order to heal, will I have to 'fess up' to those I've deceived? Or can I wipe the slate clean from here on out, and just not hurt myself or fabricate illnesses anymore?

I simply cannot face the idea of telling others what I have done. I don't like myself as it is. I know I've caused others to worry - is telling going to make it any better?

I can't talk to anyone about this. I just can't. Not face to face. I want to just ignore this, but I am afraid that it won't just go away.

I have never looked back on my life and acknowledged all the ways I have hurt myself and all the illnesses I've claimed I've had until the confrontation with my doctor. When I did think about it, I realized how sick a person who would do that must be. I don't like myself very much. I feel as if my whole life is a lie and I don't even know who I am.

gentlebreeze,

I don't think that there is a right or wrong way to go about getting well. If you tell the people you have lied to them then that may destroy your relationship with them. On the other hand if not telling them is going to eat you on the inside then you need to take this into consideration too.

You sound like you have had enough of yourself...so what good would it do to have everyone you know climb all over you? I think you should take each situation you have lied about and think it through. If telling them the truth will help you better the relationship and will help you too...then by all means tell them the truth. But if you feel that it would completely undo the relationship then carefully think it through and decide whether you want to face that.

You need to heal for your past habits....not be punished!
Kathy

Thank you. Your words have given me a little bit of peace in a sea of turmoil. I am not going to focus on having to "tell" about the past. I'm going to focus on the future, and how to stop causing pain. I have gone through 10 surgeries in the past 2 years. Only 1 major, and not all because of situations I created. I know my family has already suffered so much because of me - I think it would cause even more hurt for them to know they've been deceived.

Oops - I forgot to log in before I wrote the above post.

One day I think I can beat this thing on my own - and the next I catch myself thinking of what I can do to create an injury/illness. I want to break this cycle!!! I have already been told by a dr. that if I don't stop, I will lose my limb. How can I face anyone if they know the truth???

I had to have surgery from some of the times I SI'd years ago. Some of them were noticeable surgeries. I'm not proud of what I did or how I handled it but in most, not all but most, I told them a different story other than what really happened.
Kathy

I told them a different story other than what really happened.

That's part of my problem - I feel as if I've told so many lies that I don't even know who I am. And I'm afraid that I wouldn't like the 'real' me if I met her.

gentlebreeze,

I'm not condoning lying....but in my case I almost always tell the truth, even at my own expenses. But in this case there were just a few people I knew who would understand.

Kathy