My *mod edit* Ejaculation Problem

My DE problem isn't real severe, but severe enough to bother me. I've thought about it a lot, and I realize it's been the worst with women who came very fast and easily.

I'm going to try something (maybe after the first time we have sex, if I have a DE) with the next woman I'm with. I'm going to tell her I sometimes have that problem; that it's not at all that she doesn't do it for me; and that I think she might help me by just being intimate--hugging, kissing, caressing, etc.--without expecting either of us to orgasm.

I have a strong hunch that what's behind my DE is feeling vulnerable about being hurt by the woman somehow. That makes me just vigilant enough to keep me from completely letting go and enjoying myself. And when the woman has a number of strong orgasms, while I haven't had one, I start to think she may not care how I feel. Just as with vigilance, it takes very little resentment to interfere with the pleasure a person gets from sex. I suspect these feelings can get in the way of sex even when they're not strong enough for you to be fully aware you have them.

I am sure that if the woman assured me she wanted very badly for me to be just as satisfied as she was, it would dispel the unpleasant feeling that she's using me. From what I hear, most women don't like it when the man they're with comes all the time, but doesn't show any sign he cares about leaving them hanging. Well, why should I like it, when a woman shows no sign she cares that I was left hanging?

I've been with women who had intense, multiple orgasms and never said a word about the fact I didn't come. Looking back, I don't think it's that they didn't care, but rather that they didn't know what to say or do, and were just going by some all-purpose advice they'd heard or read. Thinking that's the most likely explanation isn't enough, though, to make me feel accepted. I want to feel her comfort and affection directly, and see if it doesn't set me free.

I can relate with a lot of what was said in the previous comment. Almost all of it.

awful isnt it...

Well, being left out of something you know is extremely pleasurable is NOT fun. Most men know that women usually take longer to orgasm, need more foreplay, don't always orgasm just from intercourse, etc., etc. So most thoughtful guys don't just let rip--we're always aware, in the back of our minds, that if we just focus on our pleasure and do whatever we feel like, we may come before the woman does.

But most women--wrongly--learn to view men's orgasm as almost automatic. They tend to see our sexual arousal as relatively simple, compared to theirs. A woman, then, can just focus on how good it all feels, without giving a thought to whether the man will orgasm. So I can understand how they'd be more likely to take it personally if the guy doesn't get off, because it's more unexpected. It's not so easy for them to tell themselves, "I really tried, but sometimes guys just don't come--it's not me."

And if a woman does think she just didn't turn you on enough, she may not want to bring it up. If she did, you just might confirm her fears. That can lead to a big misunderstanding. Obviously she knows she's just had ten orgasms, or whatever, to your none; and yet she's acting like nothing happened. It's very easy for the man to take that to mean she doesn't give a damn if he's content, as long as she is.

But I think it would be rare for a woman to be that uncaring. It's a lot more likely she just feels awkward and doesn't know what to say. THAT is why I plan to bring it up myself, next time it happens, because I think she probably WILL feel bad that I got left out. If she tells me she can't feel satisfied unless I do too, wants me to feel every bit as good as she does, wants to focus on me the next time, etc.--I am positive it will make my DE with her disappear.

I dont know how true your first paragraph is from what ive seen. Most women ive been with generally only take a couple minutes, 5 at most.. Believe me, im not bragging here. Hell, with my gf ive become extremely selfish. She always gets off, and believe me she isnt faking. Im usually concerned only about myself, the one time I finished before her I lent her a helping hand.

Yeah, most of them do care, at least in a relationship. I know mine does, because when my re is bad, I get extremely upset, and jealous of her easy ability to get off, and usually several times.

I saw a therapist who specializes in this, he says that since I can usually manage 75% of the time its not that severe. He also believes that the less often we have sex, the higher the chances of me not having a issue, which is true. But I mentally want it... He explained its usually physical and mental, since I have peyronies disease my erections arent a 10 out of 10. He explained that lower erection quality will affect sensitivity.

I dont know. I wish I could not be bothered by this, but I am... Seeing the therapist again in a few weeks, ive only seen him once and he just got basically all my info and such.

Masturbation can also take a long time due to my lack of sensitivity, I have no known health issues. Urologist says my nerves are intact, said the injury I suffered is not possible to injure the nerves... Im inclined to believe him since he knows his stuff.

What does your gf do that lets you know she's concerned about your de? Not questioning that she does, but just how she does it. You just described your own reactions.

-- Mon Oct 10, 2011 12:40 pm --

What does your gf do that lets you know she's concerned about your de? Not questioning that she does, but just how she does it. You just described your own reactions.

Well, she knows it really bothers me for one. She came with me for the 2 hour drive to the therapist, she picked up some durex lotions to see if that would help. Shes expressed it before, saying that between the therapist and urologist we will get through it, etc

Shes expressed it before. I dont know how overly worried she is about me having de, but she is very concerned about when I dont get off... She finally knows its not her at least.

Don't bother too much about this problem because time will pass and situation will get more clear and you will get you equilibrum right. You still have years of having fun and doing stupid things don't get distracted by this "aspect".

Good luck with your girl

You are so eager to do self help by doing a thorough study and research of your condition. Acceptance will truly lead to a better understanding and solution for it. It is not easy to build a sexual confidence but with the help and support of the person you love there is a bigger chance for you to overcome your sexual problem. There is no harm in trying different ways of treating such condition. Thanks for sharing.

I have a double problem which has blighted my sexual life since I was 17 (I am now 53) . I have Erectile Dysfunction, caused by Acute Performance Anxiety and deep-rooted psychological problems that are too long and complex to go into here. Most of the time I cannot keep my erection long enough to penetrate a woman. But if I strike lucky and do so, then I might go soft inside them due to sheer panic. If though I keep going and get confident enough to keep my erection with the same woman next time, I then cannot easily climax inside their vagina. Sometimes it takes so long that I give up and have to orally inseminate them instead. My memories are either of women humilating me by questioning why I cannot get an erection or by them questioning why I cannot climax inside of them.

Hi,

I have been dealing with RE since I started my sexual life but only found it was a condition a few years later when I was 23. I am currently 30 yo and just lost a relationship with the love of my life due to this condition.

Don't know if it's relevant by I was circumcised at the age of 10.

I've had several relationships but no luck in finding any progress regarding this subject up until this relationship.
I've tried masturbating alone with partners at my side, with them masturbating me but simply could not ejaculate. So I went to sexual therapy which lasted for about 2 years.

During this time I made some tests to ensure that my problem was not physical but psychological. Me and my doctor approached several possibilities such as shyness, anxiety, and the routine things such as "you over think it", "need to let your animal side overcome your rational side", etc.

I am a very emotional person, don't go around crying for nothing but I connect at a very deep level with the people I care about.

The first time I had intercourse with my previous partner, in the end I told her about my condition, I was clear that it had nothing to do with her just that I could not achieve an orgasm and I could not ejaculate unless alone and it is a situation that happened since I can remember and that it was going to take time to fix it.

To my surprise, only one month into the relationship and I started being able to ejaculate, occasionally, after masturbating myself in her presence.

In one occasion I wanted to try and ejaculate inside of her after masturbating but she took too long to get into position and I had to hold back, nonetheless I was able to ejaculate inside of her. This was a major progress for me. After this time we tried other times but I couldn't ejaculate at all and this caused her some issues with having intercourse with me.

We tried for about 6 months to overcome this issue, I,very rarely, was able to ejaculate in her presence, and it came to cause us to break apart, she could not cope with it.

I went back to therapy about 3 months ago, because of this relationship, and my psychologist insists that this situation is related to past experiences in my life, none directly related with sexual experiences.

Some stories in this thread are inspiring and I hope to find information and some way to eliminate this condition once and for all.