Dyslexia and lying

Hello. My partner of 5 yrs is dyslexic. He was never really diagnosed as a child and was simply called "poor simon" and put down and made to feel dumb/stupid. The truth is that he is intelligent and a very loving, practical, artistic and loyal man - he is just not academic. His first school report (went to boarding school) read, "your son is the best settler we have ever had but he is uneducated and uneducatable" he was just 8yrs old. He was raised by parents who love him but have no idea of how to support, love and show care for a child, instead they critisize, bark orders and dish out the put downs wheether that be that he's lazy or useless etc (they still do this to him as an adult).

The problem now is that yes we know he had dyslexia but he has such a habit of lying. I once suggested that he may be a compulsive liar but I dont beleive that is true now as he only lies about ridiculous things...for example this week our rent was due - he had the money and was going to pay it into the bank the day before it was due, before jumping on train to London to sort his passport out. I reminded him that morning and later that day
he confirmed all paid in and done. Last night I had my landlady asking where was the rent. Now he called her told her he paid it in cash and had recipt etc and confirmed to me it was all sorted so she needed to check. This morning I had a text to say it wasnt there so again I checked with him about the bank details etc and then received and emailed from him saying she confirmed that the money was there. I texted her to confirm it was all sorted to have her reply saying nothing had been paid in but he had just texted her to say he was paying it in this morning! Now if he had just said yesterday I could have dealt with it at lunchtime and saved our landlady getting bank charges for direct debits that werent paid!

When questioning him he knows that he has done wrong, I know he is sorry and I know he hasnt got a bad bone in him. But it is not right for him to behave that way. He said he gets into a bubble and freaks out and feels weird which then causes him to say things he isnt even really aware of. I don't distrust him as I see the pain and the hurt and frustration in him when this crops up (and in fairness in the 5 yrs we have been together there has only been a handful of times that this has happened between him and I... but it is a recurrent thing for him to lie to his parents and thats where I beleive it stems from as I think he has an inferiority complex from how his parents have been towards him throughout his life.)

He used to be smacked at school for being naughty - even when he hadnt done anything wrong and although he is a successful salesman in a good job from a wealthy family he has this fear of being a failure and people having a go at him/comfrontation/being labelled a failure/screw up.

We want to get married soon and right now I feel until we have resolved this 1) I find it hard to trust him and 2) I'm worried that this could affect us for the rest of our lives so I rather deal with it now before adding children to it. Sometimes, when he does this lying malarky, I feel like I have a child instead of a partner. He needs help, he wants help, he feels like a freak and that he can't work out what's wrong with him. I told him there's nothing wrong with him from what I see, he just has issues that need resolving just like all of us. He has agreed to go to counselling and asked me to go with him as I suggested that in order to make him consider it however I can't see that that will help as he finds it so difficult to put his feelings into words.

I dont know where to start as I havent got a clue how to help him break this habit and any advice/links to help will be very gratefully received.

Thanks, Jo

Hi, Jo! A good therapist could help him put his feelings into words, with time. It would be good for him, if he finds someone decent. He can try writing his feelings and problems in a letter and handing it to the therapist, so it will help him communicate even if he can't open un verbally yet. Make sure to let him feel independent when he does this, he might want to keep some things private for now.

Hi Jo_b - have just been reading your post and wondered if you are still on this forum and what happened with your partner?

I have been married for 25 years this year and periodically have experienced the same type of issue you related to in your post. Whether it is not asking for holiday but saying it was booked then looses job, pretending to be on top of a credit card balance, but wasn't, going out for dog food in the car and when asked "did you just go out in the car?" and replying "no" because he felt he should have already got the dog food!!!

most things are, that I am aware of harmless - but trust is a major issue. Whilst he never really received support he was held back a year in primary school and apparently is dyslexic - although no official diagnosis or support. He left school under achieving and has low self esteem - I am the opposite end of the scale - very positive etc however the repeated situations are taking its toll, so wondered if there was an update I hope you did get help and everything is fine.

Just only a guess, as no one can diagnose here, but this reminds me of ADHD. A person with ADHD will lie to cover his shame over his lack of attention to things. The disorder causes the executive thinking in his brain to not function well and this results in distraction. I wouldn't say it's compulsive lying.

My husband had "lazy eye" that wasn't caught til he was well into late grade school (he thought the world came in twos) and also has undiagnosed ADHD. Both disorders run in his family. Due to family circumstances, my husband has not the time to get evaluated yet, but I've known for 20+ years that he indeed must have the disorder-- he's a classic case of distractedness. And he's acknowledged that he has this problem. If you can persuade your partner to see a therapist who specializes in adult attention disorders, he can determine if this is the case thru a series of tests and an interview with the patient's spouse or family member. Relationships get strained due to little understanding of the disorder. There is medication available to moderate the ADHD, so that a person can think more clearly and not get distracted. There are several online resources for adult ADHD and for family members, where you can get a referral.

Hope this helps.