Anyway, I was doing well (I have BPD that's in 'remission,' as I say). I posted on the BPD forum about my plans to move to the West coast in September-ish. I had a cosigner for an apartment (they are kind of expensive in Seattle and Portland, my two choice cities). Everything fell into place. I met a guy, had an amazing connection and talked for hours, from the afternoon til the next morning. He sat down on a bench next to me while I was on the phone and after I hung up offered to take me to the bar right there to get a drink. I told him I was moving, which was upsetting to both of us because he and I connected on a level that I've never had before. He was like looking into a mirror. It was narcissistic of me but I was enamored. I never fall that easily. I should've seen all the signs, the intensity, the charm, the chameleon personality, the red flags. I even looked him up online to see his criminal record--he had three DUIs, thus a felony (he is almost old enough to be my father) along with several public intoxes (which is hard to do in the rural area in which I live). Unfortunately, the domestic violence felony charge wasn't on the public record until very recently. If I'd seen it, I would have run the other way.
So one day the move fell through because my cosigner fell on hard times and no apartment place I called would rent to me without 3x the income for rent proven (I was self-employed for under a year at that point). I was devastated and fell into the arms of this new guy, who was thrilled at my misfortune. Didn't seem sympathetic at ALL but elated.
I met up with him a second time for a date--skipping a friend's wedding because it was on the date of my own failed wedding from a few years ago (divorced) and my recent ex (not the ex husband, different guy) was officiating the wedding...so it was way too emotional for me, I was a mess. This guy took me salsa dancing. He looked incredible, in all black, taller than me (I'm really tall), strong, handsome, an engineer (only later did I find out in a roundabout way he was on unemployment and after the breakup he got evicted). After that date we were inseparable. He was dark and brooding and sadistic and deep and goofy and morbid and brilliant in the ways I am. Sexually the chemistry was there--a tough task for me because I am a submissive who is both masochist and sadistic, and always have to explain things through to others. He was extremely sadistic. Red flag? No safe word. Didn't seem like I need one to start, right? But slowly if he saw smiled at something sadistic in a movie or anything, he would add it to the repertoire, blurring the line between sex and not-sex. Soon he was dominating me in subtle ways in every day life, in public. The only time he didn't was with his daughter (he got visitation every other weekend and introduced me to his 9-year-old after dating only 2-3 weeks; I was very hesitant).
I got a job bartending at the bar he took me to (the only bar in walking distance of my place). He was there my entire shift, every time. He would threaten and sometimes physically assault guys who were rude to me. The cops even came once. He lived in an apartment around the corner from the bar. He began to question me, push to meet my parents. His father had a stroke and seizure (and tumours in the brain) and he had to spend the entire day/night at the hospital alone, because his siblings wouldn't. I felt bad and went with him only 2 weeks into the relationship. I stayed the entire time, his dad even asked to meet me.
That was the only person who knew this man for more than 2-3 years. Before that, he'd had a secret year in prison for domestic violence and did time for the three DUIs. Everyone who knew him for a few years LOVED him and raved about him. He seemed "safe." My friends barely met him and I felt uncomfortable because he pushed meeting them even though frankly I was embarrassed because of his history and his age (I am mid-twenties he is early forties) and how he would say sexual things or act domineering in public. I also felt nervous about him somewhere in my head and didn't let him into my home or know where I lived (that's no change; I had a couple of stalkers before and am SUPER cautious about my apartment..only family and close friends come by).
One night, he started acting funny. He was moody, withdrawn. It reminded me of something that I couldn't place my finger on (my father's BPD, and to a lesser extent, mine). He set me up so anything I said, in any way, would be used against me. I began to answer his questions with further questions so as to clarify and not upset him. I was shaking in fear. I felt electricity in the air. He pinned me down naked in the bed, got in my face, and then walked off to the livingroom. I followed to try to pacify him because we agreed to never sleep angry. Well, he got mad that I went into the living room, got up, and I ran into the bedroom. He stormed in, I was naked and he pinned me down so that I could not move. He dug his fist into the area/pressure point behind my jaw and directly under my left ear. He pushed down and to my right as hard as he could for a few minutes, while gritting his teeth and keeping me pinned. I was crying, screaming, begging him to stop and he kept on with it while asking me questions like, “Now do you remember what you said?” and confusing me with questions I didn’t know how to answer due to the extreme pain I was under. Heard a clicking/popping noise in my my jaw. I finally apparently answered correctly because he took his fist away from my jaw. I was sobbing and he said disgustedly, "You're better than that, stop being a chickens**t right now." He seemingly was able to lie down, turn away from me, and go to sleep, avoiding my touch and covering his head through my tears.
Can you see how his intentional blurring of the line was so confusing? With any other man, I would've left but he made it seem part of the dominant/submissive dynamic and he was LARGE, frightening, strong, lethal, knew pressure points and ways to make someone as strong as him drop a knife, or submit immediately. He talked with pleasure about his sadistic ways and fights in the past. He's not afraid of guns. He threatened to set the apartment on fire when I tried to leave.
The next morning he woke me with a huge cinnamon bun and iced coffee, asking if I loved him still, saying it was the worst night of his life. I still didn't know about the other victim who had charges pressed (not to mention the many other women he likely abused who stayed quiet out of fear--he'd slept with a couple hundred women..supposedly).
He began to pressure me to throw away my birth control and have unprotected sex. I was too terrified to say no because those weird shifts in mood kept happening, and he would do them at 4am when no cabs ran (I don't drive), threatening to lock me out and throw me out. When I did throw them away, he kept checking the garbage to see if I took them secretly until he took the garbage out to allay his fear. Every day he asked if I got more pills, and sometimes said "yeah, sure" and got into a fight when I reassured him I didn't. The sex got more sadistic. The day to day random things got more sadistic (like poking me in the sternum really hard and laughing). My jaw hurt and clicked and felt awful and still does, I'm on meds for it.
Well, he did more awful things, more set-ups. One night at the bar he bought everyone drinks, got mad when he saw the $90 tab, and his cards were denied (I was getting suspicious because he would tell me he had to work once in awhile, from home, but it was getting more and more infrequent and with all the abuse I didn't notice until he made me buy him cigarettes and things). He left, my manager said I needed to pay, but I was upset, and a patron there stuck around as I went back to the apartment to see what was up with him. He was pissed! Said, "all the women in my life were all about money, money, money" (he had a habit of saying his exes were all greedy and crazy). He then threw me into the foyer where I fell and hit my head, he chased me and pinned me down and pulled on my hair, grabbed my neck, smacking my head against the back of the couch bruising the occiptal area for a week. He eventually let me go and when I said "Sorry, but I really need to go now," he said I didn't need to go and tried to stop me. I went anyway and the manager and patron were there, worried about me because of how angry he was when he left and it's well-known how he gets when he is angry. I told them what happened, because they could tell Iwas very shaken and sick and upset. The patron gave me his phone number and told me to call/text him to say i was safe otherwise he'd come up there. The manager fronted the cash but also said I might not be able to work there because of this kind of thing.
I grew up with a terrifying, unstable BPD father who would smother with love one moment and chase me around (not unlike my ex!) threatening to beat me the next, just because HE was in a bad mood. I dated a guy who was 24 when I was 16 who controlled exactly where I was, checked up on me by phone, threatened me, coerced me into unlubricated anal in a pubic men's room, forced me to give him oral. I briefly married an unmedicated bipolar NPD guy who terrorized me. ALL of that combined was NOTHING compared to the fear he'd instill in me with a single look, or how he'd leap at me, chase me, throw me on to the ground, bash my head against the floor and pull out my hair while yanking it as he shook my head, spat in my face, gritted his teeth. He even punched me twice in the arm as hard as he could, clipped my face on the way to my arm, made me cry and then laughed and told me it wasn't a big deal.
He questioned if I was cheating when I wanted to go out with friends. I only went out on nights he had his daughter, and he guilted me lots. He said "I want you to have fun with your friends because apparently I'm not enough." But would flip on me anyway. I couldn't go to the salon, to get coffee, to get movies, to get groceries without him saying "Yeah you're going to be gone for hours god knows where." He was MAD when I OVERSLEPT and didn't pay attention to him.
When I had tender nipples, as well as being sore from constant sex (he expected it a few times a day and he is well-endowed so it hurt, he never used lube), he'd get ANGRY at me and bite them anyway and have sex with me no matter how it hurt, because if I cried he'd get mad and when he got mad I'd get a concussion or worse. I was his sex slave, he even said it, "I have a 25 year old sex slave."
One time when he beat me badly, I was crying, crying, shaking, puking, and he got mad. I stood up and told him this is unhealthy for the baby (I hadn't had a period for a long time and started getting nausea, tender breasts, etc but my town is so conservative you have to cab into the next one to get tested). He said, "Yes, you need to stop acting like this so we don't have to resort to this kind of behaviour, you might be carrying MY son and you let this happen!" I still mourn this every single day and question myself.
It all blew up one day when I woke up and he was in a mood. If I tried to talk, he was busy watching TV, if I tried to ignore him by reading a book, he took the book away, yelling at me that I ignored him. He said I "wasted the entire day by reading." He wouldn't let me write on my computer and checked to see if I was surfing the Internet instead of writing and mocked me. I tried to leave by getting Chinese food next door, he followed, I ran into the bathroom and he threatened by text to open it, then started to open the door (cheap wooden door). I faked I was coming out to talk then ran back in to make him look bad. He left, made a "I'm going to slit your throat" gesture and pointed at me through the window. I was crying and called my mom from the bathroom, and she called the police just as he was coming back in to get his keys. He tried to take my apartment keys and almost got mine too leaving me unable to do anything.
The cops saw my reaction to the situation, my palor and shakiness, and really honestly knew what was happening. They also knew HIM personally, because it's a small town. He's disliked amongst cops here! They pushed me to press charges or at least a no contact order but I declined, still thinking I was not being abused repeatedly. I can't even list the hundreds of cruel physical beatings that happened, the thousands of horrible manipulations and psychological abuses. Some of the sexual fear-based coercion is very triggering and graphic. After hurting me once for his own fun and with me crying and begging (no sex, just him hurting me, biting to draw blood, slapping, etc he didn't even get aroused), he hurt me and as he hurt me he FORCED me to say "I LOVE YOU, (INSERT NAME HERE!" because if I didn't , he said the neighbours would think he was abusing me. That was so humiliating and horrible, to yell that out while being beaten for his sadistic pleasure. My body was perpetually covered in bruises. I was always afraid of him and he loved it, I saw it in his eyes. I knew he'd find me in my tiny little rural town so I was too scared to leave but knew I had to because the last straw was when he pinned me to the wall, threw me against stuff hitting my back of my head on hard furniture repeatedly, and then reeled back to punch me in the face while gritting his teeth yelling at me to stop crying or the neighbours would hear me.
Well he kept giving me ultimatums and demanding via text and call. He guilted me big time. I still thought i loved him. I went back to him ONCE, after I'd had a very early miscarriage from all the stress (I presume). We talked, kissed, and even though I struggled against him and kicked him, punched him, trying to get away, he had sex with me. I ended up sort of liking it so I feel weird saying it was rape even though I guess it was.
Oh and everyone including my family thought I hated them because I was forbidden to contact people. Also including the police officer, everyone points out how often I apologize or meekly ask permission to do ANYTHING. I decided to press charges about 10 days ago after getting him to admit via text that he hurt me, I also have a witness who saw bruises, a medical report and x-rays and prescriptions for chronic headaches and jaw pain and PTSD. I'm SO SCARED he'll kill me before I obtain a no-contact order or in the courthouse. His third felony, second violent one? He'll be put away AWHILE. I'm terrified
But I'm hostage at home. I can't go out, he cost me my job, I am too scared to go anywhere, he was waiting for me because I stupidly went out to get coffee the time I normally do. He was sad looking. I never go out unless with my roommate or family or friends. I feel weak and helpless and I hate it . I have BPD but at least I didn't cut, drink, break things, be promiscuous, take all my pain pills like I would have a year ago.I am going to stop here soon, I have said a LOT, boring stuff, too many details, but that's how I write. I'm sorry. I just cannot stop thinking about him and I've never done that. My sexual fantasies still involve him which SICKENS me. I'm a hostage in my home out of fear. The officer pounded on the door at 7pm the other night (day before my birthday, I spent my birthday trying to obtain print outs of the incriminating texts and going to the police station) and I ran, got a knife, and sat in the closet shaking for three hours--that's how messed up I am from this guy! Yet I still crave him somehow. NOBODY manipulates me like that; I used to be the manipulator. Also once someone screws me over, I'm done, but with him, he's still in my mind. I lost my insurance and there's no free or sliding-scale clinics here so I can't do therapy unless I get money from pressing charges--his family has tons of money which he'd been living off of, impressing me with for awhile, and he is moving about an hour away to a job (supposedly) and had the gall to text me "How do you feel about (insert city name here)?" after all the abuse! Hopefully in a few days when he moves he'll get the job so he has money so I can get therapy and funds because he sabotaged my job.
So confused. Most days are bad ones
. I try but I really can't even feel safe leaving the house. The things I loved to do, the people I loved to see....can't do without fear. Can't feel sexual anymore without great confusion (BDSM is a true fetish for me, I can't enjoy vanilla sex, but BDSM thoughts trigger me GREATLY).Thank you SO MUCH if you read any of this....it's quite a lot.
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