my wife's abuse is getting physical

I met my wife two years ago while stationed here at Camp Lejeune, NC. She has three and a half year old twins from a previous (and very short) marriage. She had admitted to having bipolar disorder when we first started dating, although I never noticed any symptoms and it didn't seem to have an effect on us. It's almost like she didn't have it at all. She also admitted that she'd been abused in her two relationships previous to ours. I assured her that I would never hit her unless she were threatening my life and continued to show her that I'm trustworthy.

While dating for a year and a half, she cheated on me with at least 3 guys that I know of. One was a one night stand, one was a short relationship, and the other was a side relationship with her ex (not the father of her children) that she hid very well. I returned from Iraq in September of last year and we moved in together. At first, things were fine. We never fought, we were very happy together.

After living together for a month or so, we got in a big argument. I don't recall what it was over, but it ended when she started shoving me around. Things were fine again and for a while, we were the perfect happy couple. We began talking about marriage and I proposed to her on Thanksgiving Day while we were visiting my family in Michigan. We continued to be happy through the holidays.

Then she became emotionally abusive. She would criticize and humiliate me from time to time and she started withholding money from me. She demanded that instead of splitting all the bills, I should be the one to pay them all. So I started paying all the bills. This left me with little to no money and she kept the money she made to herself for the most part, unless I politely asked for some and explained why I needed it. Even then, I would have to deal with endless remarks about how I don't make enough money. Being in the military, I didn't make very much. She began to make me feel as if I didn't deserve to make decisions. We always went where she wanted to go, ate what she wanted to eat, and watched what she wanted to watch. She would still ask me what I wanted, but I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut because if I stated what I wanted, she would make it very clear that she wasn't happy with it and that I didn't deserve to have what I wanted.

In late January, we got married. I had said that I didn't think we were really ready for it yet, but she insisted on getting married... immediately. The military pays more if you're married and the extra cash would help us tremendously. After thinking about it, we got married that night. The extra money I got covered all of our bills and we began to live a little more comfortably. It only made her worse. She became more and more emotionally abusive over time and I begged her to get help. After a couple weeks of persuading her, she finally admitted that she needs help and went to a psychologist. He told her that she needed a psychiatrist to help with her bipolar disorder. She was put on a slew of medications to help with mood swings, depression, anxiety, and other matters. She continued to see her psychologist as well, who told her that I am the trigger for her anger. He told her that I'm a button pusher and that I love to play with her emotions and make her angry. This is NOT true. I do everything I can possibly think of to keep her happy. I sacrifice everything I possibly can NOT to make her angry because I can't handle it and I don't want the kids to have to see it.

The medication and the sessions with her psychologist were helping, at least a little bit. Things were improving overall, but she still had her bad days where her emotional abuse would drive me to tears.

A few weeks ago, she got angry at me over something small. I don't even remember what it was, but it was something small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. She immediately resorted to violence and left marks on my face. My left eye was swollen and bloodshot for a day or two as well. She said she was sorry and would try to control her anger.

On Wednesday, my enlistment in the Marine Corps came to an end. This caused a whole new cycle of emotions from her, as she is now furious that she has to pay bills until we move. We are moving to Las Vegas in a month and a half to be with her family. If I were to get a new job now, I would start working right around the time to put in my two weeks' notice. It's really pointless for me to be looking for a job when we're moving across the country in a matter of weeks. With my last paycheck from the Marine Corps, I paid all of this month's bills and advanced on some of next month's.

Since being discharged from the Marine Corps, she has continuously made every effort to let me know that I am not a man because I'm not paying the bills (even though I already paid them and it's only been two days). She's constantly nagged at me that I'm not a man because I'm not doing anything to support my family even though I'm simply waiting for HER so we can move across the country to be near HER family (and thousands of miles away from mine).

Today, she resorted to violence again. She was berating me for being worthless in the car as we pulled into our driveway. She continued as we walked to the house and once inside, she began shoving me around. In my defense, I pushed her away from me and she lost it. She broke the skin on my face in three places and scared the hell out of the kids in the process. She then ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and held it to her wrist and began screaming not to come near her. I told the kids to go to their room and shut their door. They were terrified, they had no idea what was going on. My cell phone was in my pocket and i dialed 911 without her noticing and left it in my pocket as I tried to talk her into putting the knife down. She was already starting to bleed a little bit. I got her to drop the knife, but when she saw my phone was on in my pocket, she instantly knew I was calling 911 and grabbed a pair of scissors. After about 15 minutes of talking her into putting the scissors down, she finally sat on the couch and continued screaming at me. About then, a 911 operator called me back and asked if we needed help. I told her the situation was under control, but thanks anyway. My wife is now furious with me, saying that I'm trying to get her arrested and trying to get her kids taken away from her. I told her the truth... that I was scared she was going to hurt herself or someone else. She doesn't buy it, she just thinks I was trying to get her in trouble with the authorities. She then told me that if a police officer comes to our door, she'll tell them I choked her and smacked her twice. There wasn't a mark on her (aside from the cuts she put on her own wrist). Hours after the whole incident, she's still pissed off at me. She still claims that everything that happened today was my fault and she still claims that I beat her.

I just don't know what to do. I love my wife when she's emotionally stable, I really do. I'm just beginning to get scared of what she's going to do next. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about it. I don't want her to get in trouble and it's not exactly easy to explain how a 130 pound woman can beat up a 220 pound Marine. If anyone has any advice on what to do or how to handle this, please share...

honey, This is NOT ever, ever going to get better for you until your wife is ready to accept personal responsibility for who and what she is and HELPS HERSELF! And IF even then...tread lightly. No one...NO ONE, can help her. She has to WANT to be a better person. She has to WANT control over her emotions. And even if it looks like she is okay, be aware of triggers that could set her into motion again. Watch that you aren't feeding her insecurities. I strongly recommend an exit plan, unless you want to find yourself in trouble with the law on domestic abuse charges. Maybe you leaving this mess will be just the right medicine, (or kick in the a**) your wife needs, to come to terms at how destructive her actions are in relation to you, her kids and ultimately herself. I am so sorry your family is going through this. It is so extremely pointless.

iamthebigcheeze wrote:I just don't know what to do. I love my wife when she's emotionally stable

I know what you mean by this but it's a rationalization nontheless. Sure she is great when she isn't being totally raging, dissociative, manipulative, abusive, etc. Your "love" for he nice moments is blinding you from the reality of the situation. You're unconsciously defending against the pain of reality by denying the severity of her actions.

From what you have described, you've also enabled her behavior and have huge issues with your own personal boundaries. You've become a doormat to her abuse and it seems as though the more out-of-hand she's become, the more placating and submissive you've become. She obviously has extreme psychological issues but there are two parts to this equation. Are you aware of the issue of codependence? please research it as much as you can. I would suggest that you seek therapy for yourself as soon as possible (without telling your wife) to get some fresh air into this room of smog. Seriously. A few sessions with a skilled therapist and you will definitely have a better idea of what is really going on.

Anyway this really sounds so unhealthy and I hope you take the right actions and get some help FOR YOU first and foremost. As they say the only person you can hope to help is yourself. Yeah it's a cliche but there is so much truth in it. And once you help yourself (even a little) you'll be that much more enabled to help your children and, perhaps, your wife.

I don't want her to get in trouble and it's not exactly easy to explain how a 130 pound woman can beat up a 220 pound Marine. If anyone has any advice on what to do or how to handle this, please share...

Your post is very similar to mine, "Abused by a woman" posted the same week here. Hang in there and let us know how it's going. Looks like you have some good advice already.

Questions:
Does she keep in contact with her mother, step mother or parents often? Do you notice her on the phone with them often, e-mailing etc.?

General:
It's important to understand that when someone is generally driven to anger it revolves around themselves -- or it's personal. As you know in the marines they, and other corporations, want you to take personal pride for what you're in.
This will increase your chances of wanting to fight as it is our natural instinct to defend what's personal.

In her case she's simply taking too many things too personal and it's causing her to have delusional thoughts as explaination. She knows it isn't right but also knows how she feels because of her Bipolar disorder isn't right.

As supersad suggested: she has to want to help herself. She needs to take responsibility for her personality type and recognize it contains the Bipolar element -- which is unpreventable, and continue treatments. It's like questioning why water nourishes us. It just does, that's the way it works regardless of scientific explanation. Her personality just does -- and the more the person recognizes this and takes responsibility for it, the better they can handle it.

One time I went downstairs to see my parent's fighting as I knew my mom got out of control and physically abusive. She was kicking my dad, throwing things at him, hitting him with the phone receiver, etc. She started spraying him with cleaner and continued to get more and more verbally abusive and physically telling him profanely to get out of the house. I had to get her in a full nelson away from my dad. I told him to just leave and I'll handle it from here as he cleaned glass that she broke outside.

I'm now moving back home to help my mother deal with her condition maturely as my dad has grown way too patient. It does take work and I hope I smooth this out, just as I hope you're able to. These things can happen, but anything tangled can be untangled.

...

Sir, first of all thank you for your service. It sounds as if she is extremely controlling to say the least. I do not know that you can find happiness with her in her current state. She even uses the psychologist as an avenue to beat you down. A psychologist is not going to try to demean anyone who is not an aggressor and harmful to his patient. IE they would have negative things to say about a rapist to console the victim, letting them know it was not their fault. She is clearly manipulating you to control you in most avenues. When that does not work it sounds like she uses psychological abuse to submit you into the role she desire. And of coarse physical. You know there is very much more you could not convey into words, in which she does to you. One that comes to mind that fits her personality is to use sex as a tool to control you as well.

Marines are for the most part very strong mentally. The training you have gone through, much less simply the lifestyle you have lead in the Corp has shaped you into an individual who no doubt is honorable. Even in the basic sense of not putting your hands on your wife in anger. You know mentally what was instilled in you. You can also see how she has broken that down. The solution will have to be your decision. The easiest is to quit the marriage. I do not believe you to be that person, just from your words. The next solution is most likely therapy, for you and her individually and together. No one is perfect I am sure both of you have some issues. If the two of you can not work them out it may be time to move on and find a woman who will respect and love you. You may feel love towards her currently. But odds are she has little if any love and respect for you in her current state. Otherwise she would be treating you better. That is not to say that she can not regain it.

Good Luck,
Tristan

I feel your pain, as my military son is married to an abuser as well. She so wants to control his life that she doesn't want him to see us at all which we see him maybe 3 times a year for 2 or 3 days. We have been nothing but loving and kind to her and this thanksgiving she made up all these crazy reasons why she never wanted to be in the same room with us and kicked us out of the house at 8pm and even kicked me in the stomach. My son tried to hold her back as her arms and mouth was flying at me and my 65 yr old husband we rushed out of the home. My son said it was better if we would leave and he would handle it. She has acted out in the last 2 yrs I have know her but nothing like this using the guilt she would kill herself or she would go get treatment to just fall off the treatment. She is what is called a physotic bully. This is my sons 2nd marriage and he feels like a failure at relationships. We are very supportive of him but this time she has gone too far. I have pressed charges and if the detective will proceed we are moving forward. My son is a very good young man and deserves so much better but I just don't know how to help him. I'm reading and getting counsel myself. He finally called me after 4 days because he didn't have a phone he has to hide it from her, and ask me to drop the charges that she was going back into treatment. I told him thats wonderful but I was not dropping the charges. He claims if she doesn't stick with her meds and help this time he would leave her. I'm not sure what to do at this point. She has been in and out of treatment for years. So I'm not sure if with these types of violent behaviors if he or someone like you will not be doomed to a life of hell. Best of wishes to you.