Is there any light st the end of this darkness? *TW*

*Trigger Warning*

*mod edit*. I am 47 years old and have just survived the most horrific event of my life. I waited my whole life to get married as I only wanted to do it once. I found the man of my dreams in. October of 2018 and was happily married soon thereafter. My happy marriage took a very swift turn for the worse about a year in when my husband lost custody of his kids. He was a 10 year veteran who suffered from PTSD. He turned into a monster and the abuse I endured overt the next year was horrible. We separated *mod edit* when I decided I had finally had enough and gotten the courage to finally leave. Well my husband decided I wasn't leaving and attempted to take my life. I defended myself and he is no longer with us due to that tragic day. . I have survivors guilt and wonder if I'll ever truly heal from this event.I mean I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with this man. My vows were sacred to me. Ive tried to get help and everywhere I turn are people telling me there know how I feel but the ones who claim this never actually took a life, especially the of someone they loved. I'm just plain stuck. I don't know any other way to describe it. I need help, emotional support, and someplace I can turn with my emotions. A safe place. I don't know if I'm even in the right place but God willing I am. I've been searching for an online support group in my area to no avail. My situation encompasses so many different things that I haven't fit the mold of any group as of yet. Any help would be appreciated at this point. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to PF!

I would say that is about the worst outcome I can think of- except of course, I can think of a worse one. The one you averted. It sounds as if you did what needed doing, unfortunate as that is.

I'm not sure anyone can know exactly how you feel, except for someone that's been in that identical situation- this is more than taking a life. this is taking the life of a person you least expected to.

The only thing I can say, is that it was necessary to defend yourself- marriage vows are not license for being a victim, and if someone is backed into a corner, they're backed into a corner. He ought to have let you leave; that's on him. But I think it's very human and expected, that you're going to have a hard time reconciling yourself with that. I think most people would have serious guilt issues, even when they have no choice.

Welcome and so sorry for what happened. No answers but some thoughts.

Do you have friends and family who you can be with, who are supportive, close by?

If so, that will help transition you from where you are to where you need to be. Takes time but interacting with people who care and don't judge you will give you a mental breathing space.

And, the "I know how you feel", comment .. really !! I wish people would be more careful when saying such things , but this may simply be indicative that they have no real idea what to say. What happened is extremely unusual and I don't think any of us have ever contemplated how that can affect someone.

I think they are caring comments, possibly from people who may be lost at what to do next for you.

Are you okay in company or do you have problems with crowds, loud noises, hyper vigilance etc ?

Agree about the comments. It's so outside of most people's experience. But you feel as if you have to say something-still, it has to sound rather flippant.

You are in a safe place here. You might also find support at the PTSD forum, significant others, or Grief and loss. You can’t have too much support. I am so incredibly sorry that you went through such an awful experience.

I agree that anyone who says they know how you feel is either being insensitive or is just trying to relate to bits and parts of your story that they can relate to even if they can’t possibly understand the whole thing. You are the only one who has walked in your shoes. Other folks might have shoes of a similar color but only you have been in yours.

I hope that all the folks here can be a helpful presence while you search through the chaos for peace.