Hi, I hope this isn't too off-topic, but this forum seemed the most appropriate place to ask this. I'm having a really tough moral dilemma and no idea what the right thing to do is.
I'm not a domestic violence victim myself, but my mother was. Years ago my father almost killed her and only didn't succeed because one of my brothers happened to walk into the room just in time. My father has always had a violent streak. He put one of his ex-girlfriends in hospital once (she's now deaf in one ear), beat my brothers, and has threatened my mother several times during their marriage. Nevertheless, they were married a considerable time and have only been divorced for two years now.
Some crucial background info:
- My dad's violent streak only crops up sporadically (he can go whole decades without a single incident), but when it does, it REALLY DOES. The almost fatal incident with my mom was nine years ago and he's had no outburst since, save for one or two idle threats. We (= my brothers, my mother and I) strongly suspect that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
- No charges were pressed at the time and no-one in the family knows about it. My mother very much does not want this to ever come to light; she just wants to move on with her life in peace. To illustrate just how much she doesn't want this thing to come out: she was actually afraid to see a therapist about it just on the off-chance that the one she would choose would happen to feel obligated to break therapist-client confidentiality and report it to the police. Kind of a far-fetched scenario, but that's how afraid she is of anyone finding out.
- Had it been up to me I would have broken off all contact with my dad after it happened, but since my parents didn't get divorced for another seven years afterwards, I've had to develop a way for myself to keep dealing with my father. After all, I was and still am very close with my mom and they were a package deal whether I liked it or not. That's why even now I'm still in touch with my dad, although our relationship consists of politeness and superficial chit-chat.
Now, my father has gotten engaged again. To a very, very nice lady.
Here's my problem: do I say something to her or not? If something happens to this woman I don't want to be the one who could have prevented it.
However, there's something to be said for not saying anything, because if I did:
- It would kill my mom
- My mom would kill me
- There's a very good chance that his new fiancé won't believe me anyway and may chalk my story up to a jealous daughter who doesn't want her father to replace her mother.
- My mom would KILL me!
- Not just my dad would be furious with me (which I don't care all that much about), but so would the whole rest of his family, for telling such 'lies'.
- Did I mention that my mom would be devastated?
Now, all these arguments would mean nothing if this woman were in danger.
But that's just it: is she?
I have no way of adequately assessing this. When my dad is happy, he's perfectly charming and capable of wrapping anyone around his finger. Even my husband is fooled and struggles to believe me whenever I say anything negative about my dad. That's the problem with people with NPD: you have to be on the receiving end of their crap to believe it (and even then you're not always savvy). Otherwise you'd just never know, because their so, so very good at hiding what they are.
Also, there hasn't been an incident in nine years and there very well may not be another one ever. I just don't know.
So, do I talk to this woman and subsequently start a complete riot on all sides, or do I say nothing and possibly risk her safety?
At the moment I'm rather attracted to the idea of just wishing her all the best, giving her my number and telling her she's welcome to call me anytime about anything. Although that may only be helpful if she can see an outburst coming. And she won't. They come (seemingly) out of nowhere.