Help?

Can anyone tell me if this is abusive?

Long story short, some stuff is coming to light from my soon to be exhusband. I'm so confused about everything. He constantly tells me that I've done things that I've never done. Here's a message (some info has been dotted out for safety sake):

I really wish you would have called me before messaging me these awful things that you promised you would never do again. One, you have not clarified anything with me. You only spoke to your daughter. Two, you do not need to make threats and say that ... will be starting school in ... before hearing the whole truth is. I did not use a belt. I used my hand across her butt. Pants pulled down across underwear. Three licks. Because it was the third time she had lied to us about something involving money and about a subject that she was given plenty of opportunities to be honest about. She was lectured and then told she would get the spanking, lectured some more and then spanked. I did threaten her with a belt today by snapping it and it scared her but I did not spank or hit her with it. She was more than likely trying to tell you what I told her was going to happen if she lied again. Please remember you brought her here to get the structure and discipline she needs because she lacked it so severely. You told me she even asked for it herself. I do not agree with this parenting plan and I am going to hang onto the original plan we had agreed upon when you left in December. Please, I do not want to fight and I know you are under a lot of stress but do not forget that ... has been getting in trouble for lying for a long time and it is not an easy thing to break because lying is addicting. She has real structure here and needs to stay and I told you before you left in December and before you left in February she is not leaving. You also promised me that on both of those same occasions. The response I just received from you is not fair or justified after everything you have put me through. Remember you made the first mistake and are now trying to correct it by allowing me to parent .... the way she needs. I wish you would have simply called so that I could have clarified it with you. And to clarify things on my end, you never said not to spank her with a belt. You only ever told me not to tell you about it. I have not told you about it because I have not spanked her with a belt. ... is doing very well here. Her teachers have confirmed that since she started school. They have seen dramatic improvement in all aspects academically and socially. Please rethink your words and understand I am only helping .... . And after speaking with her teachers and peers I know that I am not TRYING to help her, I in fact AM helping her. Please reconsider your reaction to what .... said. I am her father. FATHER. I am not .... and you cannot tell me what's what and that you will be taking her back to .... just because you say.



Now, none of this is true. Long story very short, I left him for issues in the past that involved neglecting our daughter. Six years he didn't do squat, just yelled at me a bit online. Then, I offer a visit and he accepts. While I'm visiting sick family in another state, he puts in custody paperwork claiming I abandoned her. He clearly told me I wasn't taking her anywhere right in that message. That's the short story.

But is this domestic violence, or am I at fault? I'm so tired of wondering what the hell happened. Btw, our daughter told me he DID spank her with the belt, but told her she didn't remember it right due to fear and he only used his hand. Btw, the 'awful' things I said was that I didn't agree with belt use, I'd call dcf if he did it again, and that we really need to discuss a parenting plan. I also said I felt I should be the primary parent, since I've been primarily caring for her without his help for over eight years...

I'm at my wits end and just need a second opinion and some support. I feel like I'm going nuts.

Welcome TiredTerror and I'm sorry you are going through this . Please look up the term " gaslighting " . It's a form of mental abuse that seems to be what you're describing .

I have a friend in the same situation . This is what she's been advised to do .

If you are in the process of divorcing , it is highly recommended that you only communicate through your legal representatives . Outside of that , say as little as possible to him either in person or by e-mail . You don't say whether or not your child is a minor but I'm guessing that she is .

It may be that you will have to go to court to gain sole custody . Keep any e-mails he sends but do not view them as anything other than his attempt to manipulate you . He may very well be sending them , whether they are true or not , to try and build his "case " for custody . If he's lying about events in those e-mails , reply simply that " I did not say those things ." or " That is not what .... told me " . Don't let him draw you into an argument .

Personally , I would not speak to him on the phone at all . It's too easy for him to claim that you said this or that and there is no way you can disprove it . He should be free to talk to .... on the phone but do not respond if he tries to engage you . Keep it to e-mail only whenever possible and save them in a separate folder on you computer . If you don't have a lawyer , get one ASAP . Check your local Domestic Abuse resources for advice .

You are not losing your mind . Please don't get caught up in the details of his stories , focus on the bigger picture and try to understand what he wants to gain by this . Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself . It's not easy but do not let anyone make you doubt that you're a good person and mother .

Hugs , if you want some .

Thank you. I'm overwhelmed just reading your response. I don't have a lot of support and he is highly charismatic. He has the whole world believing I'm a crazy person who took his kid for no reason.

She is a minor. Right now, he has temporary custody until we can get a social investigation done. I was too afraid and didn't understand that DV comes in other forms, so I didn't get temp custody at the temp hearing. It's only because I moved to another state to get away from him again, and he enrolled her in school where he is.

I do have a lawyer and I do keep everything to emails now. I'm just afraid of bringing up the DV issues unless I know for sure its DV. I'm afraid of what hes going to do when I do bring it up. He's been violent in the past, but it was just holding my wrists against a wall, breaking my phone, and not letting me leave during arguments...nothing I could photograph though. And because I threw a candle at him to get him to back up, I'm sure he will say I was violent too.

But I'm really worried about my daughter when the investigator gives him my claims of DV so he can defend himself against them. We have to share our evidence between each other, and the investigation takes months to complete. I'm afraid he will hurt her or try to disappear if he feels he is going to lose her again and this time be forced to pay the child support he was avoiding for years.

I'm sorry, I'm dumping everything here, but I'm honestly so anxious over all of this and so drained.

Hugs , TT .

This is the place to come and dump it all . I'm glad you have legal representation . Talk to them about what's going on and if you can get some counseling for yourself , please try to do so . Don't fall for his mind games . You and your daughter will survive this .