Memories of abuse keeps coming back?

Hi,

Years ago I was in a abusive relationship.

I should have seen the danger on the first time we spent time together. He was my first everything. I was with him, he wanted to proceed. I said no, he kept trying but ended up just coming between my thighs.The day after we slept together, it was my first time, but he got mad afterwards and ignored me because he thought i wasn’t virgin. I don’t know why i said yes to him.

He could be very romantic, but mostly it was slapping, controlling behavior, jealousy, pyshibg, hitting, threats, etc. I feel like he forced me into getting pregnant and he refused condoms and allways.checked if i took pills, in the end i even wanted it myself as a hope it would be a way out. I got pregnant but had a spontanious abortion, he got little mad at first thinking i did it. Got pregnant again later and left in that pregnancy, my kids are not going to live with a man like that.

Years later I found a new husband. Kind and good. But now I am pregnant and I am afraid i am going to ruin everything. All the past comed back, sometimes i feel disconnected from my body(normally i have good connection i have aleays danced and had appetite), i feel sometimes disgusted by sex and feel its not my body, i hate when my nipples get touched, i didn’t love breastfeeding before it was just ok but i did it for almost two years but got an aversion to it at last where it sometimes made me cry almost to breastfeed, bow i am afraid if i can even do it again, i frel its not my body, i am afraid of my freedom, it just brings memories and i am afraid of what its gonna bring and i am afraid to ruing my current relationship as it makes me distant.

Oh dear I am so sorry for you. You sound like you are now in a good place, but carrying too much baggage.

One of my friends (a great friend who went through a veritable hell) has a saying. We can't change our past only our future.

It feels like you scared of what may happen rather than what is happening. That can of course be a self fulfilling prophecy which is I guess why you are here.

Can I suggest, that when you feel down and worried, try and remember how strong you are. You are away from your first partner, have nice children, ( you saved your children and they are now in a safe place) and loving husband. You have taken a bad situation and fixed it. You have changed your life you will get through this.

Try looking forward and not back. Try and increase the bond with the man you have, not focusing on the one that is gone. Try and find some joy in something, when you are down, whether movies, books, music (it helps,I assure you)