Do I leave for sake of newborn baby?

Okay, so background..

I am 24. My husband is 27. We have been together from I was 16, married at 21, and just recently had my first baby who I absolutely adore. My husband had always had a 'temper' even before we were married, however the abuse only escalated after we were married (around 6 months after at the beginning of 2015).

I started a new job at the beginning of 2015, and he became increasingly more paranoid and sceptical about men who I worked with. Every friend request was questioned, I was forced to delete some people off my social media just to hear the end of it. I went on nights out (only a couple) but each time I was pestered about who I was with/who they were/did I fancy them/did they fancy me. This continued throughout 2015, and escalated into more furious outbursts which were fuelled with jealousy. Arguments turned physical, and although the 'hitting' only remained at shoving or pushing and throwing objects at me, he started to scare me a lot, and my confidence was at an all-time low. I sunk into a really deep depression by the end of 2015.

At my 2015 work Christmas party, just a week after my friends had encouraged me to leave him due to his behaviour, I had ended up in bed with somebody else. I felt incredibly guilty, yet felt wanted properly for the first time in a long time. I came clean, and my husband and I were on pretty rocky ground for a while, but he decided to forgive me and give our marriage another go. I thought he would have listened to what my problems/concerns were and that our relationship could hopefully improve, but it didn't - it got worse, and my depression and own behaviour became worse. I found myself for the first 5 months of 2016, having countless one night stands and depending on alcohol to block out the tirade of emotional abuse I was receiving on a countless basis at home. I was deeply unhappy but far too chipped down to feel I had the strength to walk away. He again, found out about my behaviour and said he would forgive (again!) but this was the last chance. I got myself on some anti depressants and seeked medical help at this stage as I became increasingly more numb and my work also suffered.

I quickly became pregnant after the reconciliation, and although it was a surprise I thought it was the light at the end of the tunnel - that his behaviour would improve and we could concentrate on our 'family'. During the pregnancy, he improved a lot - although still brought up the cheating to guilt trip me out of any argument that was brought up. I thought we had turned a page (finally).

Fast forward to labour day - I am sitting in intense pain, and the paranoia and abuse starts again. He checks my phone and finds a message from someone asking how I am - immediately I get accused and he starts shouting around the hospital ward and pushing me down onto the bed so I couldn't leave. After the baby is born, he took an extreme huff after the nurse told him no visitors were allowed to see the baby - which was so bad that the midwife pulled my mum over and talked to her about it and I received a quiet chat off record about domestic violence and abusive partners. The midwife actually told my mum to keep an eye on me as she didn't trust my husband judging by his behaviour. We go home, and when he goes back to work I am plagued every single day with accusations that I have been seeing other people. I went back to running again (which is my hobby) and he actually timed me then when I was ten minutes late, waited outside in the street, in the freezing cold with the baby and started fighting with me in the middle of the street.

The fights started again, more intense than they were before. Arguments - aggressive ones, on an almost daily basis. He no longer wants me to go running on my own - he wants to go with me 'in case I run off with somebody else that I meet'. My mood has started going down again, and I'm starting to feel incredibly sad again. He had an argument where the threw an empty bottle at me and some rubbish in front of the baby and another where he threw a pillow aggressively at me when I was in bed, and after that I noticed my old behaviour coming back when I ended up in the arms of one of my male friends. I think I have let this behaviour continue because I have yet to be physically hurt with this aggressive behaviour but now I am becoming increasingly more concerned about the baby and how he will grow up to witness this.

Anytime I bring up that I am leaving the relationship, he starts to remind me of all the bad things that I have done - that I am not an innocent person and that I am lucky he has stayed with me. He then goes on about how much he loves me and would do anything for us and he acts this way because he loves me 'too much' or as he calls it - 'passionate'.

I don't know what to do, as I can't take constant arguing around the baby at this stressful time in my life. I have stronger feelings also developing for my male friend which I'm finding harder and harder to ignore and set aside then I start to feel like I am guilty and a bad person. I know that my behaviour is wrong as well and not fair but I'm finding it extremely difficult to find any way out. I also don't know whether I should stay and support and suggest that he seeks help for his temper and anger issues in the hope that it will help.

Any outside advice would be much appreciated because I feel as though I can't ask family members etc as they are biased.

Thanks!

SkyRed wrote:



Anytime I bring up that I am leaving the relationship, he starts to remind me of all the bad things that I have done - that I am not an innocent person and that I am lucky he has stayed with me. He then goes on about how much he loves me and would do anything for us and he acts this way because he loves me 'too much' or as he calls it - 'passionate'.

None of the above matters. None of it. Does not matter who did what or when.

Have you asked about going to counseling. You owe it to the child to have tried everything.

How about a trial separation to see how he really feels. Does he love that baby enough to give it a happy home and change how he acts to you because of it.

I worry that he will be as big a problem when you separate as he is now.

You need to talk to someone maybe a therapist about him and how he may behave. (if it comes to that still leave,, but understand that in some cases you need to leave the city as well as the house. )

but glad you came here as you have to do something.

Your situation sounds frightening for you and for the baby. As a mother myself, my ability to take care of myself must come first, because only then, am I able to take care of my child and my spouse. My parents fought so much as a young kid of about 6 years old. I witnessed some of it and I don't remember much other than when I would enter the room, it would stop. People need to act right and he needs a drastic change of behavior. I would advise you to consider imagining down the road where things between the two of you would most likely lead to. Because if there is no outside help in the form of therapy and couple's therapy, how will there be change. For the sake of your well-being and for the child's future happiness and feeling safe and secure, try your best to take serious steps to find out where the two of you are headed. You cannot continue to live that type of lifestyle where you are both so unhappy. If you were my friend I would say to start looking for a way out (should it come to that, because it's very possible) and to take good care of yourself and your little baby. I hope for the best for the two of you as parents but it doesn't sound like things are improving for the two of you at this time. Look for support in the form of counselor, therapist, church people like priest, pastor or someone who can help you. My heart goes out to you at this time. Keep us updated.

I have brought up the anger management issue with him today. I told him if there was a repeat offence (which I know there will be) that he will need to move out and not return until he has seeked out help for his anger.

He responded with the usual 'well how is what I am doing worse than cheating?' He also said he wouldn't be prepared to leave his son for that long and that I am '_using the child as a weapon'. He then comes over and starts cornering me trying to hug and smother me telling me he loves me but when I didn't respond has now went off in a rage upstairs.

I don't know what to think about this response.

It is so hard to give you advice on such an important issue. Your son deserves to know his father, but only if that father is caring nurturing and supportive.

I would start to prepare to leave, seek advice from a marriage guidance person even if he does not go,
but that behavior sounds very controlling. I commend you being so strong. Stay strong but keep preparing and considering the alternatives.

There's no reason why he'd have to stay away from his son for any period of time (unless he's an immediate risk).
What could happen is that one of you two move out for a while, and you can make sure he sees his son each day (or whenever you two agree to). There's absolutely no reason to make him stay away from his child (again.. unless he's an immediate risk, but I assume that if you thought he is, you'd already have removed your son to protect him).. so it might be helpful to reassure him of that.

On to the main point that I was thinking about though;


You're probably pretty confused now.. people like him are great at blame shifting and making you doubt reality, but I can see that underneath the confusion that he's made you feel, you're also very aware of what's going on.

You are in a heavily abusive relationship right now.. and children are deeply affected by being brought up in that kind of environment.

What do you think of his response? Do you think that being controlling, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive, is equal to someone finding comfort in the arms of someone else, when they've been going through an abusive relationship?

You might not have had physical bruises yet.. but he's already been physical with you.. and I don't want to upset you - and I hope this isn't the case, but I'd be pretty surprised if he hasn't been sexually abusive to you in some way as well.

SkyRed wrote:I have brought up the anger management issue with him today. I told him if there was a repeat offence (which I know there will be) that he will need to move out and not return until he has seeked out help for his anger.

He responded with the usual 'well how is what I am doing worse than cheating?' He also said he wouldn't be prepared to leave his son for that long and that I am '_using the child as a weapon'. He then comes over and starts cornering me trying to hug and smother me telling me he loves me but when I didn't respond has now went off in a rage upstairs.

I don't know what to think about this response.

Don't buy into his guilt trips, he has no right to compare that to what he does to you. Sorry, dude, but that's not gonna change what you did to me. It's not the same thing and you have no right to treat me that way, would be my answer to him.

Wrong again, the child is not used as a weapon, if anything, his behavior is domestic abuse and he is the one endangering the child by his behavior. So if he acts in a way that is labeled domestic abuse, you should seriously think about getting the authorities involved. Call the police. It needs to be jotted down to show how he is with you, as proof.

Don't fall for his manipulation of trying to make you change your mind. Be strong and I hope things improve for you. Please take care of yourself and your baby. Keep us updated.