Abuser or reactive abuser?

Hi Everyone,

I have posted on this forum before explaining my abusive relationship. Now that it has been 3 weeks since I moved out of his apartment, I am questioning everything. I know that he abused me emotionally,physically,verbally, and mentally, but was it because I was crazy like he said I was? In the beginning after we met in person, he was sweet and always said he was in love with me. We had sex earlier than I wanted because he talked me into it. At the time it didn't seem that way. He would try to rub my vagina and tell me to "shhh" when I said stop. I kind of wanted it, but not really. He would always dry hump me, and I told him that I didn't like it, and I wanted him to stop. He still did it anyways. After we moved in together he stopped being so sexual with me. He stopped being "romantic" and was getting more angrier with me. To make things short, he called me crazy shortly after we moved in together. Every opinion I had was considered crazy. I was jealous and didn't want him spending time with his friends... for the lack of trust. He lied to me a lot. I didn't like when he would go out with friends with out letting me know. As I would cook dinner or he would tell me we were going to do something, and he would be gone and not come back home. I just wanted simple communication, which he though was too much to ask for and that I acted like his "mom". I got irritated and sometimes would mess up the house. I do admit I had anger problems in the relationship. I don't know if I am going on this rant to make it seem like I was the abuser, so I can try to fix things, when I know deep down i'm not, but I will keep going. He started choking me and hitting me when he was mad. If I raised my voice at him, he would yank my hair or hit my arm. If I disagreed with him at all, he would say i'm a dumb bitch. I tried to change everything about myself to please him because he was never satisfied. He hated when I laughed in public. I love to laugh, so whenever I would laugh while conversing with employees at the store, he would sigh and get mad. He would get mad if the house wasn't exactly how he wanted it. So I tried to change to his needs and wants. I tried to make excuses as to why he treated me the way he did. I even tried to have these TALKS with him every other week. I asked him to sit down, so we can talk about the relationship. I asked him why does he get so mad at me and that I have been doing everything he wants me to do. I said I clean the house, and I try to make you happy. He said I don't try hard enough and the house is still messy. He would tell me to follow him around the house to show me all the dirty spots or how I don't hang up my clothes sometimes. I said i'm trying my best! I told him I have came a long way from before we moved in together. He saw how my room used to be. It was messy, and I changed my cleanliness living with him. He said multiple times that I need to move back to my parents house. He said he thought I would have changed by now, but I haven't. I tried everything, and he didn't once try to change his ways for me. He didn't care about my feelings at all. He never tried to see things from my perspective. I knew our relationship wasn't healthy or right. I tried to explain everything to him. That he gets mad at me for nothing and hits me. I told him I get tired of him verbally abusing me and hitting me, so that is why I hit him back.He told me so many times in the heat of arguments that he likes abusing me and that I deserve to be hit. I would tell him that he is crazy for saying that and it's not normal to say that to someone. He would say if I don't like it to leave, but no one else would put up with me. I would cry my heart out asking him why he doesn't care about me. He would say that I am annoying and that he can't take this anymore. I still to this day do not understand how someone can be so cruel. I was 100% committed to him, as he was cheating on me. I know I am not the crazy, lazy, person he says I am, but it makes me think that after he blocked me. After he told me he has been seeing someone at work, as I suspected it and told him to tell me the truth. He never did until the day before I left. I was so upset, but knew it was time to leave after all the pain I experienced. I was giving all of my love and time to him, and he wasn't filling me back up. I moved out while he was at work. I still couldn't believe everything. I called him and he said he is done with me and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He then blocked my number and we haven't talked since. I am so confused as to why he abused me and then blocked me. That then makes me question if I am the abuser! Towards the end of the relationship, I wasn't having it. I was holding him accountable for his actions. I stopped saying sorry for things I didn't do. I stopped trying to make up with him after he would have these rages. I would just let him be and do my own thing in the house. I feel like maybe that is why he left and found a new victim. I still have no idea what to think! Why would he block me after I did everything for him! I "loved" him! I showed him that everyday by catering to his needs. He never saw the effort in it! He said he was seeing the other girl because she didn't fight with him.. but I told him that he gets mad at everything no matter what I do and that leads to a fight. He said I am annoying to him no matter what I do. I do admit I was annoying sometimes.. probably due to the fact that I spent the whole relationship trying to figure out what this dudes problem was!. I have to say since I left, I do feel better spiritually. It feels odd to not have to defend myself anymore physically or verbally. Our relationship was never good. It is hard for me to realize that because the whole time I lied to myself. I tried to make it seem like something it wasn't. I wanted him to change into the person I thought he was, yet still, he kept on. I still wonder what he is doing time to time.. if he is treating his new girl the same way he treated me. If he loves her more than me. It hurts a lot, but then I remember while I was in the relationship, I wanted to leave! I just didn't have the strength to. Like I said earlier, the thing that is throwing me off is that he blocked me and has no contact with me. He said i'm crazy and annoying and he just wants to be single and be alone. I asked him then why did we move into two places together and he said its because he felt bad for me. I said why do you feel bad? I told you that if u don't want this then to tell me, but whenever I ask you, you say that you want to be with me! The whole relationship seems like a fog now. Just a BAD BAD blur. I don;t know that person anymore, and it hurts. I ask myself why do I still keep wondering about this guy when he treated me so poorly? Probably because I am trying to make excuses for him when there are none!

He sounds awful tbh, I expect he's proabably saying this stuff about this new girl to play with your head and make you feel small, I mean that's what he did during your relationship isn't it so now he can't degrade you on a day to day basis he's going to try do it by telling you how amazing his new relationship is. He might even be nice to her for a bit as a way of making you feel even more worthless but who he is wont change so it'll last 5 minutes. Even if you were 'crazy and annoying' which I doubt you were, of sound perfectly sane and rational from your post, it doesn't warrant that sort of treatment, ever. I don't think you were the problem hun, have you had any other relationships where they've said the same thing? Guessing the answers no, because how appallingly he treated you was a problem with him, not you.