I Have Survived: My Story

Ashlar wrote:Have compassion for yourself. Don't compare your story to others. There will always be someone with a worse life and someone with an easier life. You have suffered and been wronged. I'm sorry your family seems to support his behaviors. I can relate to at least that part of things. My family is full of narcissistic behaviors and criminals to the point where it is "normal" in my life.

Thank you for your kind reply. It means a lot to me. Everything you say is true and I appreciate your words of honesty. Supporting you as well.

I've been drinking A LOT lately. Smoked the reefer. It was GOOOOD. And been self-injuring a lot lately too: burning. Scars litter my body - proof of the pain I hold inside. Some of which I'm not even aware of. The insiders who live with me in my brain hold it. Each of us hold this f***ing pain as our own little proof that we're real. Not much of anything to hold onto really, but hey, it's ours.
Sometimes I hate living and I get mad at C.C. She's so stupid and small and pathetic. And Angry One gets on her rampages and it's frightening. Miss Spacey is ever-present causing poor concentration to leak through to me and there always the threat of a spur of the moment dissociative attack. The fixer wants to do just that: fix things. It breaks her heart when she can't. But that's what she was trained to do since she was a small child. These are all me. They make up me. They are themselves but they are t fully split. But I'm not fully uniform either. I don't know what I am really. A freak I guess.

Chant2012 wrote: The insiders who live with me in my brain hold it. Each of us hold this f***ing pain as our own little proof that we're real. Not much of anything to hold onto really, but hey, it's ours. . . These are all me. They make up me. They are themselves but they are t fully split. But I'm not fully uniform either. I don't know what I am really. A freak I guess.

Chant2012 wrote:I have survived:

Part 1
He'd touch or maybe he pretended to touch my undeveloped breasts as a child . . . But he's also the BEST dad in so many other ways. He'll do anything for me almost. And he loves me more than anything so it just makes it all the more confusing. . . He honestly isn't a bad guy. He truly isn't. He hurt me as a kid but even then he didn't mean it as bad. I can't explain how or why but I just know he didn't. I mean, I can't logically understand how or why he would think those things are ok to do but he did.

Chant, Have your memories always been with you? Any evidence of gaps?

Regarding your father, unfortunately, like the rest of humanity, he is homo sapien sapien. We live in a schizo world and your dad is proof of that. The thing that bothered me the most was when he told you this: "I have betrayed you?! YOU are the one who has betrayed me Chantel!!!!"

T.A. Anderson wrote:

Chant2012 wrote: The insiders who live with me in my brain hold it. Each of us hold this f***ing pain as our own little proof that we're real. Not much of anything to hold onto really, but hey, it's ours. . . These are all me. They make up me. They are themselves but they are t fully split. But I'm not fully uniform either. I don't know what I am really. A freak I guess.

Chant2012 wrote:I have survived:

Part 1
He'd touch or maybe he pretended to touch my undeveloped breasts as a child . . . But he's also the BEST dad in so many other ways. He'll do anything for me almost. And he loves me more than anything so it just makes it all the more confusing. . . He honestly isn't a bad guy. He truly isn't. He hurt me as a kid but even then he didn't mean it as bad. I can't explain how or why but I just know he didn't. I mean, I can't logically understand how or why he would think those things are ok to do but he did.

Chant, Have your memories always been with you? Any evidence of gaps?

Regarding your father, unfortunately, like the rest of humanity, he is homo sapien sapien. We live in a schizo world and your dad is proof of that. The thing that bothered me the most was when he told you this: "I have betrayed you?! YOU are the one who has betrayed me Chantel!!!!"

There's not really any gaps. Not that I know of. I don't know.

And my dad texts me all the time literally every day. "I love you's" and "I am so proud of my baby" and he truly does love me. He just did his best he is messed up but he is one of the best dad's ever. I don't know. *sigh* I posted about the dissociation in the DID forum. It's the same thing I posted above except I added some artwork I did related to it all.

Chantele,I am so sorry for your abuse and victimization.I was abused viciously by a sibling and my father.My father molessted me.I feel my mother allowed the abuse.I am in my mid 40s now and trying to come to terms with all the abuse I endured,even well into adulthood I was targeted and harrassed.

I went through my childhood years not really having a clue that what was going on in my household was extremely vile and morally wrong.My family wer Catholics..went to church every week..and to the outside world,looked rather distinguished.They were fairly wealthy and lived well.But what went on behind closed doors was hell.We accept the abuse because as children we cant do much,plus that is all we know,for we are products of our enviorment in a sense,and we dont know any other way of life.AND adults are supposed to protect children from harm,especially their own,not use them for their pleasure.Plus it is NO childs responsibility to take care of an adult parent,emotionally,physically or sexually.My family is extremely dysfunctional still and my 80something year old father still sees nothing wrong with his behaviour,which was abuse,and my mother was a covert and is in denial with everything....or she "cant remember that"....HA!Lies.....I got it with the belt/strap also.I also dabbled in substance abuse/self medication over the years.My anxiety/PTSD is thru the roof.I trust no one.I also ended up with abusive BFs....I wish you peace and healing in life...set the past free for that is all we can do.Accept what happened was never about us,nor did we deserve or encourage it,but realize the abuse was about a sick person (people),with sick minds and black souls.If a father,an ADULT MAN,truly loves his child,he does NOT use that child as an object of his desire,manipulate,devalue,emotionally,verbally,physically,sexually abuse them.XX..hugs to you.

-- Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:56 pm --

Chantele,I am so sorry for your abuse and victimization.I was abused viciously by a sibling and my father.My father molessted me.I feel my mother allowed the abuse.I am in my mid 40s now and trying to come to terms with all the abuse I endured,even well into adulthood I was targeted and harrassed.

I went through my childhood years not really having a clue that what was going on in my household was extremely vile and morally wrong.My family wer Catholics..went to church every week..and to the outside world,looked rather distinguished.They were fairly wealthy and lived well.But what went on behind closed doors was hell.We accept the abuse because as children we cant do much,plus that is all we know,for we are products of our enviorment in a sense,and we dont know any other way of life.AND adults are supposed to protect children from harm,especially their own,not use them for their pleasure.Plus it is NO childs responsibility to take care of an adult parent,emotionally,physically or sexually.My family is extremely dysfunctional still and my 80something year old father still sees nothing wrong with his behaviour,which was abuse,and my mother was a covert and is in denial with everything....or she "cant remember that"....HA!Lies.....I got it with the belt/strap also.I also dabbled in substance abuse/self medication over the years.My anxiety/PTSD is thru the roof.I trust no one.I also ended up with abusive BFs....I wish you peace and healing in life...set the past free for that is all we can do.Accept what happened was never about us,nor did we deserve or encourage it,but realize the abuse was about a sick person (people),with sick minds and black souls.If a father,an ADULT MAN,truly loves his child,he does NOT use that child as an object of his desire,manipulate,devalue,emotionally,verbally,physically,sexually abuse them.XX..hugs to you.

Hi Chantel,

Thanks for sharing your story. Some things ring close to home.

I'm wordless. I'm startled at how sometimes, many times, we as society, as families, as parents, fail at seeing these dysfunctional behaviours. I'm started at why, for example, in family talks we don't address it more emphatically. I'm startled at why we as society see it, and let it happen: The manipulation: "If you don't do it, you don't love me any more", The expectation from children to support their parents emotionally, psychologically and sometimes in other ways: "Are you making him happy? He needs you".

Those threats you mentioned from your dad, I heard them too, and I had your same answer:

Chant2012 wrote:I remember thinking in my head, "I am not crying daddy. Please stop hurting me... If you stop, I will be able to stop making these hiccups and show you I'm not really crying."

I remember the fear, I remember the trembling, and even though, as you say, that was not regularly, it was there. And the mixed feelings of love and anger.

I can also relate to the feeling of betrayal. The father of my father touched me for years. I never thought it was wrong, until I was old enough to understand that wasn't right. I remember telling my mother; the first time she told me: "You must be confused", and I felt silly and embarrassed. I insisted on telling her, because I saw he was going to do the same to my sister, and then she believed me. However, she never distanced herself from him. She actually helped him and supported him, emotionally and financially. I felt betrayed. I couldn't believe how she would help and hug the man who had touched her daughter for so many years, when she was so young. That wasn't acceptable for me.

I don't believe your dad's words when you talked to him about what his "friend" did. I don't believe his blindness, his lack of support at that moment, I don't believe his actions after that. I don't get how anyone would react that way, as I don't understand why my mother reacted that way.

By telling your story you share your fears, your doubts, the thoughts you had when things were happening, and that along is healing. Is finding someone else who went by the same and understanding that it's not only me who feels that way, you felt that way too. And, although I don't want that for anyone, by reading your story I understand that my fights have grounds.

You have been strong, you have been strong and mature even when your father wanted to press you to do things you didn't want.

May I ask why have you been drinking lately? Are you trying to forget? Are you in pain? Are you being safe when you drink? Watch out alcohol might not be a good friend when wrong people are around.

Safe hugs if you want them. I wish you peace, I wish anything that hurts heals.

Sea

This is a significative example of how much underhand can be the violence and will be never less strong than more explicit one, maybe more.
I hope Chantel will understand in all her parts how much terrible has always been father's behaviour since she was little because one part of her already know. And your body told you without doubts: depression, anxiety etc. even if you hide it from yourself.
If the devil gloss over doesnt mean it is less, rembember "work makes free", dont be taken in a sort of insane manipulation.

You know the truth.

You are a very strong woman Chantel to have survived so much.

Your father is not the good, loving man you say he really is underneath
and still need him to be. I think deep down you realize that, but somehow
it would feel like death to see him for who he really is....

I wish you healing and loving relationships.