I Have Survived: My Story

I have survived:

Part 1
Covert/emotional inc*st and 'inappropriateness' by my dad. He poisoned me against my mom but I don't think he meant to...
There was some physical abuse as a child (corporal punishment gone-too-far). He used the belt. He wouldn't stop and I'd be unable to breathe and would be gasping for air.
He'd pin me down and play 'games' with me. "See How Long You Can Take It" which was where he would make me lie very still and use different things (his breath, his whiskers, his finger tips, other things) to tickle my body all over in many different places. The catch was, I wasn't allowed to make ANY movement at all or show that I was being tickled in any way. I couldn't react. I couldn't breathe fast or even bat an eyelash. Or we'd have to start over and the tickling would get more intense each new time. (someone told me this could be viewed as a t*rture technique?) I don't know. And then there was the "Indian Torture". That is what he'd call it. He would bang my sternum with his knuckles and it'd hurt really badly. And he'd pinch my tendons behind my knees, in my neck, and right next to my genitals (where the leg bends in the femoral area). He'd pinch them and rub his fingers together while pinching them and it felt like a shock was going through me. I couldn't even think. It hurt. But the one by my v*gina tickled in a really painful way. It was excruciating but I'd be laughing hysterically. Looking back the tickling game and tendon pinching and covert inc*st REALLY grosses me out.
He'd touch or maybe he pretended to touch my undeveloped breasts as a child and did pinch my butt all the time. He still does this. I'm 22.
But he's also the BEST dad in so many other ways. He'll do anything for me almost. And he loves me more than anything so it just makes it all the more confusing.
But some great memories are of us hunting. That was "our thing". I miss that a lot. So much.
And my dad is always so lovely dovey all the time. He buys me things and there is NEVER a day (when I'm home or when I used to live at home) that goes by that I don't get a ton of hugs, "I love you's", and just all the things a daughter could need. He honestly isn't a bad guy. He truly isn't. He hurt me as a kid but even then he didn't mean it as bad. I can't explain how or why but I just know he didn't. I mean, I can't logically understand how or why he would think those things are ok to do but he did. And he never would want to hurt me. Not like really hurt me hurt me. I don't know.

Part 2
My grandma and aunts (dad's mom and sisters) only further enabled my dad to continue the dysfunction and they poisoned my mind against my mom through their thoughts and manipulation even further; this pushed me even closer to my dad because I felt bad for him and felt such intense love for him... I was on his side and I felt it was my duty to take on his burdens and his sexual problems (he talked to me A LOT about his and my moms lack of sex and vented to me and asked me questions about him and his desirability) and all of that insane crazy stuff no child should be put under onto myself... They'd all tell me, all the time it seemed, "your mom is a terrible woman sometimes. How's your daddy? Are you taking care of him? Make him happy hunny. He needs you." Or "you need to protect him." I HATED my mother. She hurt him. I loved him with such an intensity I can't even say. I didn't even realize this stuff was wrong or bad until a few years ago. In fact , I loved the games.
And in all of this happening, it caused me to be even more enmeshed with him so he could use me even more for his needs. It's like they all groomed me. Almost like conditioning or something. It got to the point where I no longer had my thoughts. There messages were inside me and that was now I how thought and felt.
I don't know. The screwed up part is, none of this was on purpose to hurt me. I am not even sure they knew they were hurting me... Dysfunction runs so deep

Verbal and emotional abuse by grandfather from infancy/toddlerhood to 13 or 14 years old (Although I do not remember as far back as infancy, I am sure that it more than likely occurred because I was in that environment while my grandma watched me as a child and I spent the night there weekly. And as far as I know, my grandpa has always been verbally and emotionally abusive.) he was a tyrant. His words cut down. There was such fear there. Yet I loved it at the same time because I loved my grandma. And had to protect her, or felt like I had to anyway, like I did my dad.

Part 3

Then there was Domestic Abuse by an ex boyfriend: physical, mental, verbal, emotional, spiritual, and sexual abuse (1 count of an*l r*pe and multiple v*ginal r*pes) by him. He strangled me and dragged me by my hair over gravel. He picked me up by my hair. I was ages 17-19.
He was a sadist. He brainwashed me. Got me to dissociate and then put his "thoughts" into my head to use against me and control me so I would do what he wanted me to. He'd look at me a certain way or say a certain word and I'd shut down and be a robot or something and then I was his. It was torture. He was a sociopath I think. Someone said this was kind of like brainwashing/conditioning too.

Acquaintance d*gital (finger) r*pe by a different ex boyfriend's "best friend" while I was drunk and high. It happened 12/29/11. He is no longer friends with him though. I was 20.

Part 4

Acquaintance d*gital (finger) r*pe by my dad's best friend while I was drunk. It happened 09/22/12. He is still friends with him even though he knows what happened. He blames me...
But the thing is, my dad was present during the r*pe actually. He was there. I thought he was 'asleep'.. But he wasn't.. It is a long story. He 'woke up' or something. Called out to me. I was semi-dissociated and drunk. I told him GO BACK TO SLEEP. But it didn't even seem like me who said it. And he listened. But he knew something was happening.
Anyway, a few weeks later I told him about it and he wasn't surprised. He said that he knew as he had heard the whole thing happen... You see, in my drunkenness I had thought he'd been asleep and only vaguely "heard something" and this inquired. And I actually don't know why I would have thought this, but hey, I was drunk and already dissociated somewhat. But once I found this out, I was just sooo ashamed and embarrassed...
And there were guns in this cabin and also a little kid in this same room (we were all in the same room) and I would never forgive myself if I'd screamed and my dad decided to help me and a gun somehow got involved into the mix... What if that child happened to get in the line of fire or something? I never could forgive myself. I was trying to protect my dad. I didn't want him to lose his friend and go to prison... But it turns out he was awake most of the time. He could hear what was happening but couldn't see it.

And he said, a few weeks later once I finally worked up the courage to tell him what he already knew, "By the noises you made, it sure sounded like you were enjoying it."

I was MORTIFIED... I said, "That was me trying not to scream dad! I can't explain to you how asahmed I was. I didn't want someone to get killed. I was so drunk I could hardly move. I was in and out. And it didn't even seem all the way real."

I mean, I feel really guilty and responsible already. He didn't help at all.

It doesn't help that my dad told me that it wasn't r*pe because I didn't fight back... Instead I just laid there and took it and "zoned out/dissociated"... I even told him I just "checked out" and he said that I am just saying that so I have an excuse so I can feel like I am not also partially to blame in all of this...
He told me that it is more my fault than anything because I failed to do anything... I pushed his hands and fingers away and pulled them out from inside me... I shook my head 'no'... I couldn't speak too well. I felt so little inside.

I said to my dad, "I am hurt that you're still being friends with this **** after what he did to me and I feel so betrayed by you!"

He then replied with, "I have betrayed you?! YOU are the one who has betrayed me Chantel!!!!"

He also said, "It's not like he hurt you or anything."

And he said, "Beside it can't be r*pe because this would never stand up in court. Where's your evidence huh? Who would believe you? It's your word against his. And do you really want to ruin his and his wife and kids' lives?"

I just was about catatonic at this point.

Precription drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and marijuana abuse: pills and marijuana started when I was 15 or 16 (clean from pills since 16 or 17), slipped up on the marijuana a several months ago, other than that stopped using, alcohol started when I was 14 or 15, I drink still but not heavily like I used to although I am currently working on my drinking as well.

Self injury starting at the age of 12 or 13, I still use this method of coping unfortunately.

ED (Eating disorder), binging and purging, started in middle school. I still struggle with this.

A "suicide attempt" by ODing on a mixture of various prescription pills and a lot of whiskey. (This is what prodded me to get help and get clean. It was against my will though but looking back I am glad I was forced to go.) I say "suicide attempt" because it was not to exactly kill myself... I wanted to get high, forget, just cease feeling and being. The thought, "If I take this many pills and drink this much, I could very easily die... Hell, I am OK with that." I almost felt like it was a perk.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD since I was 9. I have depression, anxiety, PTSD and some OCD tendencies, and BPD traits. I have significant dissociative issues as well but haven't been dx with any dissociative disorder.

On the plus side, I'm an RN and am a Christian and although I'm not the best Christian I find healing in Jesus. But I respect other people if they don't believe as me.

Sorry this was so long. Thanks if you made it this far. Blessings and support to you too.

***TRIGGER WARNING FOR CPA***

I just can't get this out of my head... It always has bothered me. I really need some hugs or well-wishes or I don't know what really...
My dad used the belt on occasion.
I would 'choke'
I call it the 'hiccups'. Because as a child, for me, it felt like I was was suffocating. I call it hiccupy/spasm/diaphragmatic heaving.. Much like a dry heave as it is not like a 'crying sob' but one that has turned into the involuntary hiccupy/spasm/diaphragmatic heaving type thing. It prevented me from breathing at all. I couldn't talk..

I remember one time my dad said, "I won't stop this until you stop crying!"

And I kept trying to tell him, "I'm *hiccup/sob* na na not.. cr cry cyi crying *hiccups galore/gasping* da da da daddy. *more hiccup/sobs/gasps."

But it took me so long just to get that out and he couldn't, after all of that, understand it.

And he said, "I don't know what you are saying. STOP CRYING!"

I remember thinking in my head, "I am not crying daddy. Please stop hurting me... If you stop, I will be able to stop making these hiccups and show you I'm not really crying."

But he couldn't understand me. And I couldn't stop.
I don't remember why or how he stopped. I don't know if I passed out or not.

I remember one time in particular... I was at my grandma's... He either dragged me, or I willingly walked out onto the back screened-in porch. And it seems like he ripped or made me take my pants and panties off but I can't be sure. I was old enough to know better. Ages 7-9 probably.
There was another time. I barely remember any of this memory. Not even sure if it is real. But I have always 'known' about it. But I 'remembered' it a few months back.. Even though I have always known about it.. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I had to have been 3 or 4. Because it takes place in my old house. And I had just turned 4 when we moved from there.
But all I remember is that NEED to get that same message across to him..

"I am not crying daddy."

But I couldn't find the words... Not old enough to talk good nope I wasn't... And I am scuttling along.. Crouching/cowering. Crying. Hysterical.. I remember fear. Intense fear. And pain. But I can't be sure if it is physical pain or just fear and I feel scared... But regardless, I was scared and I don't remember what I did to make him so mad. Mom is in it too but I don't know what she was doing. Watching
maybe?

I honestly think that if this had been an everyday thing, this type of physical pain and fear. Along with the fear and constant emotional abuse by my grandpa I had on a daily basis for years from toddler hood or younger until 13 or 14 and the psychological stress I was always under by him, my family in all areas and directions, and my school/friends/bullying all my life in younger years until high school. And the confusion I felt every day. And the heavy responsibilities I was put under to be a protector and lover of/to my dad and all that $#%^... and the opposites I was told by my family (do this, feel this, think this, say this, but don't tell and if you are asked make up a response on the spot type of stuff and then denial of it all) just crazy-making stuff, and the later emotional incest and other psycho/sexual stuff from my dad. The 'games' he would play with me... The (What a friend told me was t*rture) he did to me in the form of 'games' because they seemed fun and loving.. I believe that my psyche would have just more than likely broke and split off. But luckily my dad was super nice and still is and these beltings were rare. Only on occurrences. Only when I was bad. Or when he deemed me as being 'bad'... But I think I deserved some of the beltings. Just not all the time... I don't ######6 know dammit. So confused.

And I am sure this is not that bad. I KNOW others all around the globe have had it worse, but it still bothers me. I know this sounds terrible, but I almost wish my dad would have been like this all the time and horrible all the time or at least not mostly nice. Because as much as I love him and his good side and thankful for that, it almost makes it so much more confusing because he's two different people and I can't make heads or tails. I am black and white. And I think it would be easier to justify my anger and not feel confused if I could be mad at him for ALWAYS being this way or that... But he wasn't. He was mostly nice. And even the other abuse he did all my life wasn't even 'abuse'. It wasn't bad. It was loving and that has me mixed up. Because he didn't mean it as abuse...

Happy Easter Chantel

My heart aches for you and the things you were put through. I think you're amazingly strong. You're an RN, which takes a lot of rigorous study and commitment. Even with all your pain you've been able to have a career and find faith. I'm cheering for you

etoilebrillante wrote:Happy Easter Chantel

My heart aches for you and the things you were put through. I think you're amazingly strong. You're an RN, which takes a lot of rigorous study and commitment. Even with all your pain you've been able to have a career and find faith. I'm cheering for you

Thank you for your kindness. It means a lot to me. I don't know if I am strong or not. I guess I DID get through nursing school. It was pure H E double hockey sticks!!!! <------- LOL> Haven't said that since I was like in Kindergarten! LOL!

Anyway, thank you so much again. I hope you are having a great Easter as well! Blessings and support to you as well.

Ok, well, this happened a couple years ago or so. Maybe 3. I would have been 20 I think. Anyway, my mom was in bed because she had to get up early that next morning for work. My bedroom door was shut and I was watching a movie and lying on my bed. My dad just barges in my room without knocking and stumbles over to my bed. His eyes are glassy and glazed over. He had been drinking again and took his Ambien with it. He has this look in his eye and I wasn't quite sure what it even was. It was a weird look. He comes over to my bedside and kind of stares at me and I get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was unnerved.

Anyway, he says "I want a smooch."

I thought he was just playing around. He bends over and gets on top of me and starts tickling me and I am laughing for a bit because it tickles but I am super freaked out all the same. After a bit though, I am done and have had enough and said "Dad stop. Seriously I am done go away."

He keeps on and says, "Give your daddy a smooch." So I kiss him on the cheek.

He gets on top of me and kind of wrestles me and said, "No on the lips; a real smooch."

I am all weirded out and freaked so hit it in the face and that makes him continue even more it seems... Like it just made him even more excited. I was punching and kicking and scratching and slapping him in the face, chest, and arms. It didn't even phase him. He has this disgusting grunty-type of laugh and he is getting more rough and powerful and forceful. He was bound determined to get that kiss... I am not exactly sure how I got him off of me but I REFUSED to kiss him on the mouth.

I used to when I was little but that is different you know? That was an innocent peck on the lips. It's normal. I know it is probably normal for adult children to do it too because my cousin pecks her dad (my uncle) on the lips. It is normal for them, but for some reason it makes me feel so dirty just when he wants a hug even and stuff and I don't know why.... uugh, anyway, I felt this totally crossed the line and was gross and creepy.

Anyway, as he is walking out of my room he kind of stumbles out and starts to almost cry and has the saddest look on his face ever. Like I had freaking tried to kill him or something. Gosh.

I said to him as he was walking out, "Dad, look I am sorry but I am not a little girl anymore. I don't act or do the things I used to do with you. I don't run around and wrestle like I used to. I am not a little girl."

He said, "Yeah, you are my little girl and you still could do those things with me if you really wanted to."

FFS!!! Really?!?!?! Grrrr. So, I say, "No, I can't I am an adult and I don't think it is bad that I kissed you on the cheek. If you don't want a kiss on the cheek then you just don't get a kiss."

He has the nerve to say (this REALLY freaked me out) "You kiss and wrestle with your boyfriends. The things you do with them you should be able to do with me; you should be able to do them with your dad. You should be able to kiss me and wrestle me." then he says with a hurt inflection in his voice, "You don't love me!!! You have changed."

He turned it around and then at the end of it all I felt totally violated and disgusting but at the same time I felt guilty because I hurt him. I was so confused. Yeah, so that kind of freaked me all out and just made me feel gross. Like wow, maybe all my life my dad has felt that I was HIS more than I thought. I have always, since I was really a little girl, felt like his surrogate wife (In all ways except physically sexual)... I was his emotional and psychologically sexual lover in a sense. His freaking scapegoat…. Idk, maybe I made a big deal out of it for nothing???

I am just confused.
Even sober he doesn't always respect my wishes or privacy. He will sometimes just barge into my room without knocking or whatever. I mean, I could be undressing or something!! In fact, I HAVE been undressing or getting dressed.

I think there has always been the emotional incest thing going on, as his mother and sisters even told me I was subject to my dad and was there to protect him. When I think back to all that my dad has told me over the years I see how brainwashed I was. I never saw anything he did to be wrong because it was normal to me. THAT (protecting him and being his happiness and helping to please him and satisfy him all the time) was my purpose.

Have compassion for yourself. Don't compare your story to others. There will always be someone with a worse life and someone with an easier life. You have suffered and been wronged. I'm sorry your family seems to support his behaviors. I can relate to at least that part of things. My family is full of narcissistic behaviors and criminals to the point where it is "normal" in my life.