Question about amnesia

Question about amnesia: Would this be amnesia?

Is it amnesia if I barely remember anything of a period between 1-4 years but I still know it's not completely "black"? I would know where I've been and lived, but I cannot really remember what I have done (school, work, activities etc). I can remember few fragments, but they are truly fragments. Not even events. More like brief flashes that tells me that I had been "sitting in the living room watching TV" few times during this period. Maybe I would remember being in the library and probably remember few of the books (not the content, just the title or at least the topic). Maybe I would remember few songs and artists I liked to listen to. Maybe I would remember which gym I used to go to. Maybe I remember the names of few of the TV shows I used to like. I don't remember watching them but I do know the content to some degree. Maybe I would remember throwing up. And several, but not too many, more of these kind of things (only 10-20). Maybe I would remember few sentences my doctors have said to me, but I wouldn't remember any of the conversations or visits.

Ok, maybe I would remember few very important events like being hospitalized and overdosing and such, but I have no real details of what has happened before and after those events. I don't remember holidays, my parent's divorce, vacations.

So, yes, I have memories, but they are fragments. Almost too small to be counted as memories in my opinion, but I may not know what counts as a memory. The first memory that spontaneously comes to my mind is always walking outside. Just walking on the streets. Barely nothing else.

And then I have many documented records that say what I have been doing. I have records that say which doctors I have been seeing, but I don't remember them (more than a brief flash, maybe enough to be able to tell the gender and hair color, sometimes the appearance to some extent for some of these people). Maybe few more sentences or words.

And I have records from college telling what classes I have apparently been taking, but I don't remember anything about them. Yes, I found out about some of them several years after. Discovered new classes I had apparently taken many years ago when writing a CV this year.

Rationally speaking I know many things that have happened during some of these periods. I have kept several diaries during some years so I know somewhat well what *possibly could have* happened. But I cannot remember anything of those entries. They are only stories that are fun to read.

The most scary parts are those blanks in my diary or when they suddenly end. One of them ends the same night as I overdosed on drugs once, so I know exactly the dose and substance. But then the diary stops and I never wrote it again. And sometimes I've found some strange random entries that make no sense at all. Only few pages.

Rationally thinking I know that nothing serious has happened during these years, but it's still not fun to have several years of your life erased.

Of course it's possible to induce and bring back these memories, but that question is always: How valid are they?

ChristaAngel wrote:Question about amnesia: Would this be amnesia?

Is it amnesia if I barely remember anything of a period between 1-4 years but I still know it's not completely "black"? I would know where I've been and lived, but I cannot really remember what I have done (school, work, activities etc). I can remember few fragments, but they are truly fragments. Not even events. More like brief flashes that tells me that I had been "sitting in the living room watching TV" few times during this period. Maybe I would remember being in the library and probably remember few of the books (not the content, just the title or at least the topic). Maybe I would remember few songs and artists I liked to listen to. Maybe I would remember which gym I used to go to. Maybe I remember the names of few of the TV shows I used to like. I don't remember watching them but I do know the content to some degree. Maybe I would remember throwing up. And several, but not too many, more of these kind of things (only 10-20). Maybe I would remember few sentences my doctors have said to me, but I wouldn't remember any of the conversations or visits.

This is not a black and white question and I certainly cannot give a black and white answer.
Consider this - I remember nothing about my childhood clear to age 15/16 when I left to be married, BUT when I see a picture, I feel as if I have a memory of that time, but when I think about it maybe it's just a memory based on the image. Now that I have good communication I know that Alters inside do remember quite well the childhood years and maybe it's their memory I feel. We ANP's have so much memory sharing that it gets complicated and I surely cannot explain it, I just know we can.

My one memory that is not triggered from a picture is something disgusting. Something that gets small and then grows. I hate it. It sickens me, but I can't get it out of my head and it's from when I was very young. I also remember being lost, once when 5 and another time when I was 12 and not found until I contacted someone. So I do have some sort of memory.

You mention library - it triggers something my sister said about when we would go to the library together. What is really cool is that I have visited my many childhood homes thanks to the addresses given to me by Alters.

Now if you ask my alters, they remember much. I do not know how much of what they remember is in the real world vs the inside world however.

ChristaAngel wrote:Ok, maybe I would remember few very important events like being hospitalized and overdosing and such, but I have no real details of what has happened before and after those events. I don't remember holidays, my parent's divorce, vacations.

So, yes, I have memories, but they are fragments. Almost too small to be counted as memories in my opinion, but I may not know what counts as a memory. The first memory that spontaneously comes to my mind is always walking outside. Just walking on the streets. Barely nothing else.

And then I have many documented records that say what I have been doing. I have records that say which doctors I have been seeing, but I don't remember them (more than a brief flash, maybe enough to be able to tell the gender and hair color, sometimes the appearance to some extent for some of these people). Maybe few more sentences or words.

And I have records from college telling what classes I have apparently been taking, but I don't remember anything about them. Yes, I found out about some of them several years after. Discovered new classes I had apparently taken many years ago when writing a CV this year.

College days - I have little memory of this, but I do know that the President of the University who was also a psychologist/psychiatrist (not sure which) attached himself to me. Apparently one of my little ones wrote a note on a test saying we had MPD. He tried to help me, but it did not turn out well. I do remember him visiting my house and my Grandma said he went to visit her too. He wrote the most glowing letter of recommendation that my Grad prof had ever seen. I have books that he gave me and he wrote in them about our friendship. My alters remember almost daily sessions with him. I remember none. Which is true? Does it matter? Just to my curiosity, but I am inclined to think it is true. I wish he were still alive to ask but he died in 1992.

ChristaAngel wrote:Rationally speaking I know many things that have happened during some of these periods. I have kept several diaries during some years so I know somewhat well what *possibly could have* happened. But I cannot remember anything of those entries. They are only stories that are fun to read.

Your new adventure is going to reveal much more to you - I really think.

ChristaAngel wrote:The most scary parts are those blanks in my diary or when they suddenly end. One of them ends the same night as I overdosed on drugs once, so I know exactly the dose and substance. But then the diary stops and I never wrote it again. And sometimes I've found some strange random entries that make no sense at all. Only few pages.

I have done worst than try and kill myself. I hope you have not.

ChristaAngel wrote:Rationally thinking I know that nothing serious has happened during these years, but it's still not fun to have several years of your life erased.

Actually you do not know this. I hope nothing serious has happened.

ChristaAngel wrote:Of course it's possible to induce and bring back these memories, but that question is always: How valid are they?

Always keep in mind that as curious as you are, actual memories are irrelevant to fixing you. All that matters is that you deal with what is in your head - real or not.

I have blackouts for a lot of my childhood, but I can tell you every teacher I've ever had (and describe in detail the one teacher whose name I don't recall). I can't give you much detail other than that, so I guess you could say that my childhood years aren't completely "black" for me either, but in asking my alters I get quite different stories.

Similarly, I remember college in very vivid detail, yet I couldn't tell you anything about my HS graduation except that my grandparents were there and that the HS choir sang a song that was very cliche. Something about my HS graduation tugs at me internally and I don't know what it is.

We have been using EMDR, hypnosis and just plain talking to discuss memories/pieces of memories, and while I don't know if everything is valid, I have been able to confirm a lot of it through people who were there. (For example, one of my relatives confirmed something that one of alters mentioned by date, location and time of date.) Of course, that's not been the case with everything we've experienced. Sometimes there were no witnesses other than us and people with whom we aren't/can't/won't communicating. We've also experienced body memories and flashbacks. I'm inclined to think that the body wouldn't just make up a physical reaction to something that's fake, but I don't know enough about human memory or its processes to weigh in with any validity there.

I really like what Tylas said about how memories don't fix you. That very much echoes something my T said to me a couple of months ago. Ultimately, I'll never know if some of things I remember and some of the things my alters remember are true and that's okay. I can sit and ruminate for hours, days, or even years or I can try to get past that and move on with life. What point is there in the first option?

tylas wrote:This is not a black and white question and I certainly cannot give a black and white answer.

But it should be black and white! Unless it's completely black, in those cases it's pretty clear that it's a black-out, which means the answer is completely black-and-white.

Incomplete amnesia would be a more accurate term in this case, I presume. Complete amnesia for a year may be a bit too much, but if you remember only 1-5% of it, then it could be classified as incomplete amnesia. (That term is my own. Never really seen it anywhere else besides one article. Maybe there is an official term for this but I'm not aware of it. I was thinking about using partial amnesia, but that is already taken and it's defined as something completely else.)

-- Sat Oct 20, 2012 6:01 pm --

LittleRedDogToo wrote:I can't give you much detail other than that, so I guess you could say that my childhood years aren't completely "black" for me either, but in asking my alters I get quite different stories.

Well, I don't have any alters who could tell me what happened.

LittleRedDogToo wrote:I really like what Tylas said about how memories don't fix you. That very much echoes something my T said to me a couple of months ago.

I know. It is a similar problem as Neo faced in the Matrix:

"Neo: I have these memories from my life. None of them happened. What does that mean?"
Trinity: That the Matrix cannot tell you who you are."

ChristaAngel wrote:But it should be black and white! Unless it's completely black, in those cases it's pretty clear that it's a black-out, which means the answer is completely black-and-white.

laughing!~ I could not agree with you more!!!!!