Drama with Ell. Trigger warning.

by **galaxies** » Fri Oct 19, 2012 6:23 pm

Trigger warnings for abuse, pregnancy, death, Ell religion, and trauma.

There is some System Drama, and I will be talking about a long-term off-shoot of this. I don’t mean drama in the Real Housewives way, of petty, self-serving, narcissistic drivel. Although, that may not be too far off.

Nine years ago, we were in a place emotionally where it was absolutely overwhelmed. Sometimes the emotions are so vast and reality so scary that Internal Drama is a cathartic outlet, especially for Ell. It’s extreme, but then extreme things happened to us as kids. It’s not far fetched that things are sometimes still extreme, at least internally. One lingering source of sadness, drama, and stagnancy over the past nine years is Demian. The whole thing is a bit confusing, but he is Linn’s elven brother. As Linn’s brother, he was dished some of the bigger “psychological mind f*cks” of childhood. All that was unfortunate but fine, until reality tossed a curve ball, which influenced Ell to decide their religion would benefit from a male presence to brutalize during their rituals. The onset for this was the pregnancy with the father’s child at 14. To shorten the story, the daughter was born with complications, the birth was hard on the child, the midwife less than experienced, and the daughter had been deprived of oxygen due to umbilical strangulation. Her brain function was nonexistent, she could not breathe, she was not responsive and showed no reflexes. It was decided to take her off life support.

Now, this absolutely shattered Linn. She blamed herself, and I hate to admit that we did too, somewhat. She senses so many things, how could she miss this? The death also taught Ell that when people are gone, they won’t come back. She was convinced otherwise, since the father and his father always said once they died, they would rise from death and come back to her, so she would not be alone. At 14, Ell was in her 20s, and she was fairly convinced that this was inaccurate - at least 89% sure, but the 11% is not insignificant. When the daughter died, there was no miracle healing. Dead was dead. And Ell, who was “in love” with the father and grandfather, concerned herself in thinking that both the grandfather and the child are dead, while we are not. There are heavy implications in that. Basically, I’m explaining this part so the tangled Ell religious and emotional context is clear: pregnancy (which is heavily frowned upon to Ell religion), birth, death, grief all in quick succession.

In the outside world, when Ell and I clash, I can check her, or often overpower her will. As the warship empress, this is my duty, because we can't have the kinderkin skipping around killing cats, and Magdella sharing her cult with the world at large. But spiritual and metaphysical things, especially internally, Ell triumphs. The only one who can overpower Ell here is Linn, but after the daughter’s death, Linn was not functioning. Linn was surviving barely, and certainly had no Light or Hope or Positive Ideals to share. So: to the point, sorry this intro is so long, Ell wanted a boy for her rituals. She basically captured Demian and made him an Ell, which is more unpleasant a process than you would think. Namely, it’s awful. I don’t believe it is right, and we would never let Ell or especially Magdella treat an external child this way (though Demian was not a child). Inside may not be nice, but it is what it is. As strange and horrible as this sounds, if Ell did not have this outlet, I think there would probably be numerous drug addictions, possible jailing for murder, and barbaric self harm. Ell can release herself this way, which is more stable than other routes. Abusing Demian for religion is the Ell version of journaling or gardening or jogging to alleviate stress, granted it’s like those things on PCP. However, once Ell was able to do this, it has been an ongoing issue. Demian hates it, hates Ell, hates us for allowing it to happen.

I know that if he is so unhappy and also being beaten and brutalized, we should stamp it out. It’s hard when you experience this “Wow, something needs to change moment”, but the person in question does not want to change or even understand why change is beneficial; the individual won’t accept your advice, and you don’t know how pushy to be. So for the past nine years, we dropped the subject. Recently, Linn decided that Demian ought to free himself. The conversation was a little like this -

Linn: This needs to change.
Demian: You don’t get how difficult it is to change or what I would have to do emotionally (and physically) to break the bond of Ell. It’s a contract to the death.
Linn: We have a necromancer for that, D. If I told you, too bad, it’s for the best, and change should happen, would you slink off, or accept the challenge?
Demian: But it would suck to try and then fail, and have you and Ell hate me both, my sister. It is a risk.

It went on like this for a while, but he decided to try. So Magdella has now lost her whipping boy, and I’m not really sorry for Ell, though I know it is difficult. Now Demian can find himself, which is good. This was outgrown in the system. It is worrying what Magdella will do. She's in a rampage, wants Demian's head, and sending off bolts of fire.

Any advice about all of this would be great, because I have no idea what to do. We aren't going to supply her with a new victim, but it's a dangerous balance to be the Priestess, killer, etc without a sacrifice, and I think the wild little Ell kids would become even more mental if another was killed off.

I dont know who I am. I mean I know my name but my purpose isnt clear. I made a pita pizza today and watched a movie. It was cool but I keep thinking She Demon will drag me back to the forest. Linn didnt mess with my room even though I was gone 9 years. I am home now and I like it but I feel strange about it. I was me and then I was Ell and now I dont know who I am. But I like pita pizza. I will start with that. It will be ok.
D.

by **tomboy24** » Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:33 pm

Hey, D. Sucks that you're a bit confused right now, but you're right- it will all be ok. Just gotta keep moving forward and focus on the positive sh*t like how you like pita pizzas. Focus on what you do know, what you like, still having your room, etc. And you're always welcome here.

-KAT

As far as Ell goes, is there anything that she can substitute her behaviour with? Like, finding a different outlet? Such as:
-Drawing cuts/wounds on the body with washable marker
-Drawing or writing what she would like to do with a sacrifice
-Listening to music she identifies with as an outlet
-Researching (but not doing) sacrificial stuff she's into (Cassidy, even though she's only 8- she's kinda disturbed- has researched about serial killers before because she finds it fascinating and it's a better outlet than letting her go around killing small animals).
-Creating a sacrifice for her to have instead of taking one (I don't know how your inner world works, but if you're able to create sh*t, have her create an animal she'll find acceptable or something).
-Going through ritualistic sh*t, but pretending (having a plastic/toy knife, having a stuffed animal sacrifice, sh*t like that)
-Finding a violent yet safe outlet (like a sparring class, a weaponry class, a fencing class, etc).

And of course, is there any way to reason with her? To make her see that just as she is a part of this system, this body, Demian is also a part of this system, this body, and just like how she can't/shouldn't hurt the littles, she can't/shouldn't hurt him? To make her realize that taking any part "hostage" is wrong and should not be done, no matter what reasons it's being done for?

-KAT

by **galaxies** » Fri Oct 26, 2012 6:20 pm

Ah, I do not wound the flesh. To do thus would be as a Christian who spat in the bible, or set fire to the cross. To slaughter inside, to be the death, to feel the lust of the knife, these are my sins. Sure, I slaughter the kids sometimes. Why not? They're mine. They are mine until they are their own. It is their will, to be the sacrifice. Demian has betrayed, to leave in silence and with no explanation. To be a conduit is the honor of life, but he turns from it. Would it not upset my Linn, he would smolder on the pyre, and my children would have at his bones. You speak of alternatives. There is none. Mine would accept no other sacrifice. A slight to give a lamb; an insult to atone by way of sheep or goat, swine or bovine. I was born on the grave and raised on the altar. That I could abandon the religion is unheard of. Some would enflame candles and prostrate before their Lord. Mine is deaf to all but blood. You speak of reasoning, as though I act blindly. Perhaps I will never be light, but I am what I am and who I will be. I am the cult queen, the witch, the necromancer, the priestess, the demon, the carrion, the treason, the reaper, the child, the woman, the knife, the whore, and no other. Some would say I am maniacal, but it is so. The monster behind the veil is me.
Ell

Drama with Ell. Trigger warning.

Drama with Ell. Trigger warning.

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