Oh God, oh God, oh God!!!

I have just completed some screening tools to help diagnose dissociative disorders. A specialist centre will score them for me and send them back so I can show my GP/therapist and maybe get referred to a specialist. I am terrified they will come back saying there is nothing wrong with me. What if they dismiss me? What if they write me off like everyone else always has? What if they won't help me? What if they show there's nothing wrong and I'm just an attention-seeking liar? Oh God! Sorry to rant, I just really need some support. Asking for help in the past has never gone well.

Deep breath. In the DES thread 2 months ago you reported a score of 52: link. That is high enough that the diagnosis of a dissociative disorder is very likely. Did you just take the DES again as part of this assessment?

Yes! I know it's an irrational fear, I remember scoring 52 in the DES before. I'm still terrified it's going to come back normal. And if it doesn't, I just know I'll be thinking I exaggerated, or manipulated the results in some way. F*ck!

Thank you for being the voice of reason

And if it doesn't, I just know I'll be thinking I exaggerated, or manipulated the results in some way.

From what I've seen on this board, 90% of individuals with DID think they've exaggerated or made up what happened to them or what they feel is true at some point. Probably 100% but I'm trying to sound reasonable and avoid feeling like I'm exaggerating or making things up. It was only after I began to meet my alters that I realized at least part of my mind not only believes but knows with certainty what happened. It was pretty much only me who even questioned whether I was exaggerating or making up anything.

I used to have a friend who was bipolar and also had OCD. Poor fellow was a mess when it came to knowing whether he had done something or not so he used me as a reality anchor. It's how I use some of my alters and especially my gatekeeper.

Hopefully being able to verbalize your panic here helped a bit. If you're like me, you didn't used to do that much, just kept it inside where it just grew and grew.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Hopefully being able to verbalize your panic here helped a bit. If you're like me, you didn't used to do that much, just kept it inside where it just grew and grew.

It has helped. I had to overcome a lot of resistance to be able to do it. Haven't been able to post, or talk, much recently. Do 'normal' people have to argue back and forth with themselves, writing and deleting and re-writing half a dozen times over every little thing? I'm asking in all seriousness. I think I'm losing track of what's normal!

Johnny-Jack wrote:Probably 100% but I'm trying to sound reasonable and avoid feeling like I'm exaggerating or making things up.

Owleyes wrote:Do 'normal' people have to argue back and forth with themselves, writing and deleting and re-writing half a dozen times over every little thing?

Yes, when they are stressed out they often do that. High anxiety does that.

I'm a Singleton and I second guess MOST of what I think and do...lol! Seems like the biggest fear is not being believed and then what? They wont get it.... they will minimize it. 'No one' will understand, or believe, or care... But I reject that because a lot of 'someones' already believe, care for, and understand you. Right here, you are believed, cared for, and understood. And that won't change based on ANY score. ((safe hugs))

Why would they believe me? Why would any of you? The whole thing's ridiculous. Panicking again

"Exactly as Rain says, you take the step of accepting, and the denial hits again, harder and more effective than ever before. And even if you were prepared for it striking again, it still gets you where you least expect it. For what it's worth, I don't believe you are a liar. I've read a lot of your posts, from recently and from when you were posting last year, and I believe you. And your posts have helped me, and they've helped other people, too. How could you help, unless you really did understand what other people were going through?"

You've seen Cassandra's denial struggles and sh*t, and I want to ask you the same thing. How could you be so f*#king helpful unless you understand what people on here are going through? None of us believe you're a liar, and we've read a lot of your posts as well. We believe you because your typed words on here speak truth and proof of DID.

I'm sure you know that this is denial stemming from the fear of your test results, at least, deep down I'm sure you know. So remind yourself what Rain said, and what you agreed with- you take a step of accepting, and the denial hits again. You took a step of accepting by taking this test, so be aware of the denial hitting you and know it for what it is.

Take deep breaths, calm yourself, clear your mind, and remind yourself of what you know to be true. Don't listen to those stupid nagging doubts, push those away. Every time one sneaks into your thoughts, literally think "NO!" and tell yourself something positive, remind yourself of the truth you know deep down.

*hug if wanted*

-KAT

tomboy24 wrote:How could you be so f*#king helpful unless you understand what people on here are going through?

I'm not helpful. I don't post half the replies I want to on here because they sound so f*cking stupid. How can I help? I don't know sh*t.