Looking for perspective

by **tomboy24** » Wed Nov 14, 2012 11:49 pm

With evaluations, there's usually no build of trust or safeness. We weren't evaluated by our therapist, either. You just have to be completely honest and blunt about everything anyway. It's like poker- evaluation is the call, and you have to show all your cards. If you hide any, you can be wrongly evaluated, and risk misdiagnosis. I know it's hard, but you just have to do it the best you can. Maybe write out stuff first and take it with you, just as a personal reminder? Or even to have something to give to the evaluater in case it's too hard for you to talk about your symptoms/experiences? Being evaluated is a lot like diving. You don't feel ready, you don't want to do it, it seems too high up, the water will be cold, but you just have to take a deep breathe and jump, and remind yourself that afterwards you'll feel better, at least accomplished.

-KAT

Well, the cards are on the table now. I wrote down everything I've experienced related to this - everything from this thread and more - and I took it to the clinic and handed it over to the receptionist. She's going to fax it to the psychiatrist so she has a chance to read it before our appointment next Friday. I'm scared, but there's no turning back now.

~Erika

by **lifelongthing** » Fri Nov 23, 2012 9:39 am

That is a huge step!

I wish you the very best of luck going forward with this. You are so strong

by **tomboy24** » Fri Nov 23, 2012 5:06 pm

Congrats on your progress, you've taken a huge step forward, and that's awesome. Don't know if it counts for anything, but I'm proud of you. Now just try to keep yourself as relaxed and calm as possible. If you catch yourself worrying and over-thinking the "what-ifs", try to stop yourself with distractions or something. Don't twist yourself up in knots when you don't need to. Close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and try to clear your mind till the appointment. Hope it goes well.

-KAT

by **eiritw** » Fri Nov 30, 2012 8:26 pm

Ugh.

So I just got back from my psychiatrist appointment.

The front desk didn’t give her the letter I typed, so she went and got it from them during the appointment and only read about half of it.
She kept saying “multiple personality disorder” instead of DID.
She said that in her opinion, “multiple personality disorder is not a useful construct”.
She said that what I’ve experienced were just “dissociative episodes” that are part of what I already have (which would be Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and she refused to diagnose me, stating that she doesn’t even know the criteria and would have to look them up.
She said that the treatment for dissociative disorders should not be to meet alters or get to know about them, yet the goal should be integration. (??!)
She stopped short of scolding me but repeatedly said that I should not have meditated and deliberately dissociated to learn more about what’s going on in my head and strongly advised against doing so again.
She was all “you don’t have to agree with this necessarily, I don’t want you to feel like you have to go along with whatever I say because I’m The Doctor”, which is an OK sentiment but really, like I would be able to speak up and challenge her when I’m an autistic abuse survivor! I wish I had that assertiveness and ability to produce coherent speech when overwhelmed, but I don’t.

blehhhhhhhhhh

~Erika

by **tomboy24** » Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:08 pm

ANY therapist that has the nerve to call DID by it's outdated name of "MPD" is NOT a real f*#king therapist, nor are the any good to you whatsoever. Drop this dumb@$$ b*tch and get yourself an actual therapist who will actually help you. She's not giving you good advice at ALL, and she's got no right to be giving you any advice in the first place since she doesn't know jack sh*t about it! You cannot integrate without knowing, accepting, understanding, and communicating with ALL OTHER PARTS! It's impossible! And you NEED to increase awareness, communication, etc., in order to fully HEAL! You are SUPPOSED to learn more about what's going on inside! This b*tch has her head way too far up her @$$ and she's not worth your time or effort. Kick her to the curb and get yourself a real therapist ASAP.

And don't worry about not being able to be assertive when overwhelmed/pressured and sh*t. Lots of people have this problem; Cassandra has it bad, so does Luna, and Shay's Autistic so she has it worse. (Shay probably would have at least whisper-screamed at your therapist, though, but she wouldn't have been able to say anything (she's pretty much mute), and she would've been too flustered to write anything she wanted to "say"). The only thing you need to worry about now is giving this b*tch the finger, walking away, and finding yourself a real, actually helpful therapist. Preferably one with experience in dissociative disorders. Your best bet would be to find a therapist with experience in DID, but at the very least you should find someone with experience in PTSD who at least acknowledges facts and agrees that DID is real (and doesn't call it "MPD". Dumb b*tch- your therapist, not you).

Sorry to hear this didn't go well, and sorry you have to suffer ignorant b*tches such as your so-called (soon to be ex) therapist. You always have support here. Hope you feel better soon.

-KAT

by **eiritw** » Mon Dec 03, 2012 12:37 am

i think it is worth pointing out that this was the psychiatrist that prescribes Erika's medications. her therapist is a different person. Erika is hoping that her therapist can learn, because they have a high level of trust and Erika is very afraid of starting from scratch with somebody new. i don't feel strongly about it one way or the other, but i want what's best for Erika! it's quite disappointing that the psychiatrist appointment didn't go as she hoped, but it isn't the end of the world. we will get through this, as we've gotten through everything.

~Rachel

by **tomboy24** » Mon Dec 03, 2012 1:25 am

eiritw wrote:She kept saying “multiple personality disorder” instead of DID.
She said that in her opinion, “multiple personality disorder is not a useful construct”.
She said that what I’ve experienced were just “dissociative episodes” that are part of what I already have (which would be Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder), and she refused to diagnose me, stating that she doesn’t even know the criteria and would have to look them up.
She stopped short of scolding me but repeatedly said that I should not have meditated and deliberately dissociated to learn more about what’s going on in my head and strongly advised against doing so again.

This alone shows that this therapist is not right for you. She is still calling DID "MPD", which shows reluctance to learn updated information and to accept the true existence of DID. She is telling you that you have been supposedly experiencing "dissociative episodes" without knowing much about DID, admitting herself that she needs to look up the criteria. So really, she shouldn't be telling you anything AT ALL or giving you ANY OPINION because she doesn't know what she's dealing with/talking about and needs to do research. She told you that you should not have tried to learn more about what's going on inside even though it is the exact thing that you SHOULD be doing, AND she's already advising you to not do things you SHOULD be doing despite not knowing much about DID.

These are all MAJOR RED FLAGS and this therapist will NOT be helpful to you AT ALL. Even if she does do research, she seems pretty set in her ways, and clearly shows reluctance to face facts. This will not be helpful to you in any way, and if you wish to receive actual help, you need to seek out a new therapist, one that is familiar with dissociative disorders. Even if this therapist magically does a 360-turn-around (highly doubtful), it is not the best idea to have a therapist that is learning as they go while trying to treat you at the same time. You need someone with at least some sort of experience with a dissociative disorder, at the very least they should be familiar with PTSD and trauma.

It is not easy to start with a new therapist, but if you stay with an unhelpful therapist, hoping that they'll learn or change, you're only going to hurt yourself by wasting your time and effort, and not gaining anything out of it. You deserve to be treated by someone who will actually be able to help you and understand you, not someone who's reluctant, ignorant, and unfamiliar with dissociative disorders. Being with an unhelpful therapist is like someone going to the vet instead of a regular doctor and expecting them to be able to help them.

I can see perhaps giving the therapist one last chance, but I'd be careful about wasting time with her. You can't allow fear of starting with a new therapist blind you from recognizing if she's still unhelpful to you. Often the things that we need to do are some of the hardest things to do, but in the long run, you'll be thankful you did them. If you stay with this therapist, and she continues to be unhelpful, you will not be treated correctly, and not only will that be a waste of your time, but it can be extremely invalidating, and it will not help you to progress towards healing at all. If you change therapist and get one that can actually help and understand you, then you will be treated correctly, and you'll be able to progress more easily towards healing.

Again, I can possibly see giving this therapist one more chance, but be careful, and do not waste your time with her. You deserve a therapist that will actually help you.

-KAT

by **eiritw** » Mon Dec 03, 2012 3:24 pm

Kat, I appreciate that you're trying to be helpful but you're not listening. The person who talked about "MPD", told me not to investigate this, told me they were just "dissociative episodes", et cetera, is not my therapist. My therapist is a different person who does not necessarily hold the same views - I don't really know as we've not talked about it very much yet. The only actual role the person who said those things has in my treatment is prescribing my antidepressants, which she's doing an acceptable job of 'cause they seem to be working for me. Whether my actual therapist will be able to work with me on the stuff we've been going through in this thread is a total unknown at this point.

~Erika

by **tomboy24** » Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:33 am

My mistake, then, I apologize. I was listening, but it didn't really process that it was your psychiatrist that you were talking to, and that the psychiatrist is the one that prescribes the medications.

I certainly hope that your therapist does not share the same views as her, and that she is willing to learn. I still caution against dealing with someone who is not very familiar with dissociative disorders, but it isn't impossible for a therapist to not treat someone well despite learning on the fly. I hope your therapist is one of these people.

Perhaps you could try this email thing with your therapist, as a way of bringing it up with them? And/or bring a copy of it with you so that in case it doesn't get passed on again, you can simply hand it to them yourself? Since your psychiatrist now knows, I imagine your therapist should be told in the near future at some point. (But that is completely your choice).

I continue to wish you the best of luck with this, and congrats again on taking such a big step forward.

-KAT

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