Looking for perspective

by **tomboy24** » Thu Oct 18, 2012 4:51 am

trfdvujgnml. wsazxrftgb. pkujtgb. asdxcrfgvbhj.

eiritw wrote:[color=#800080]*TRIGGER*

broken

broken

broken

took your advice

it's not enough

i'm too broken

every time i try to process the hurt it's like trying to empty the ocean with a plastic cup

w
i
l
l

b
e
t
t
e
r

i would give anything for some barbituates

go to sleep and never wake up

his hand struck my head

and i shattered into pieces

that can never be put back together again.

w
r
o
n
g

c
a
n

b
e

f
i
x

nowhere is safe and everybody hurts me

w
r
o
n
g

n
o
t

h
e
r
e

i don't understand

trying to heal is like trying to paint a picture when you have no artistic ability whatsoever

it would be easier to just finally finish what they started

w
r
o
n
g

"rachel" and "michael" aren't even here right now. they're silent. they're not stopping me.

*song lyrics*

Get Up

I'm not afraid to fall
it means i climbed up high
to fall is not to fail
you fail when you don't try
not afraid to fall
i might just learn to fly and
i will spread these wings of mine

Chorus:
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 20th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
and here i told you so
don't want to rock the boat
but i just had to know
just a greener side
or can i touch the sky
but either way i will have tried

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again

I'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
they laughed when i fell down
but i have dared to climb
I'm not afraid to fall
i know i'll fall again
but i will win this in the end

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
And I might fall back down

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

uedsctygh. okiyh. trfgyhjikj.

n
o

g
i
v
e

u
p[/color]

Glad to hear it, and good to know that some of the sh*t I said was actually helpful. Definitely try everything I listed before doing anything else, if nothing else, ok?

Shay's right, too (she's the one who posted in the light blue-ish text). You are not broken beyond repair. Things WILL get better and easier with time, but it will take some time and it might not be easy at first. But it won't stay this difficult or painful, trust me. It's just like a physical wound- if you don't know you're hurt, that wound is going to get infected and fester and all that sh*t. Once you find it, you can start cleaning it and treating it, but it'll hurt worse at first. After it's all cleaned up, though, it can begin to actually heal, and before you know it, it'll fade to a scab that one day falls off to leave clean skin showing. Healing IS possible, but it won't happen overnight, and it's not exactly a cake walk. Parts of it can be, but not all of it will be.
And not everyone wants to hurt you- you have a safe, supportive, and understanding place here. H3ll, you have us who care about you so much already, you had me saying sh*t like "please" and "thank you". F*#k, we appreciate knowing you're safe and sh*t because we worry about you (don't take that in a bad way, or I'll beat it into your head that it's not your fault we worry and it's fine and we want to know this sh*t and etc. etc.).
Yeah, it might be easier to finish what they started, but it's not better, it's not worth it, and it's not healthier. Besides, are you really going to let them win when you've already made it this f*#king far? You've already survived the worst of your life (otherwise you wouldn't be a functioning person, and you wouldn't be here, much less be multiple), and yet you're going to throw in the towel now? You WILL and CAN survive this, you CAN heal, and you WILL heal- if you let yourself. You can and will see that it's worth it to stay strong through this, if you let yourself. Positives will begin to show themselves, if they haven't already, trust me. I mean, look at what you already have- a f*#king support system within you. Loving, caring, supportive alters who are willing to help you through this tough process. That's pretty awesome to have and what I'd call a positive showing already.

A lot of stuff with DID takes some time and patience. Don't be too hard on yourself for anything, and realize that sh*t will get better, but it'll get better IN TIME. You just have to remember, storms don't last forever, and soon the sun will burn through the clouds again.

L.C. has a quote that I think applies here, except she changed it a bit to "fit" you/your situation better: "Life is like a painting canvas. Whether it's stained, ripped, or already painted on, there's nothing you can't paint over. Nothing can stop you from turning what you're given into your own work of art. You don't need to be a practicing artist to create something that makes YOU happy."
(I hope I quoted that right...I know it's like 99% right).

-KAT

by **eiritw** » Sun Nov 11, 2012 9:45 pm

OK, so, update time.

I told my therapist.

I still can't believe I actually did that. But it just kind of... came out. I was trying to dance around it a little bit, terrified of actually "going there"... but I told her about this thread and that there are posts in it on this account that I didn't write. She said that she believes that I have experienced what I say I have, and she wants to help. She doesn't know enough about it or feel qualified to diagnose me, but the psychiatrist at the same clinic who prescribes my meds is apparently more knowledgeable and better trained to evaluate it. So she's passing along a message to the psychiatrist (with my consent) indicating that we should talk about it the next time we meet, which is in a few weeks. So I have a little time to prepare and think about how I want to handle that and how I want to present all this information to her.

In the meantime, though... the others have been mostly silent and haven't come out, which has had me doubting a lot again. I mean, I know that doesn't necessarily mean they're not there. But... I don't know. I still kind of don't know what to feel... I feel like I made it up and I feel like I didn't make it up, all at the same time, somehow. I'm afraid of what will happen when I talk to the psychiatrist, but I definitely feel that talking about it is the right thing to do.

by **Una+** » Sun Nov 11, 2012 10:12 pm

Wow, that is wonderful news Erika. You were really brave, and your therapist supported you. It is totally normal after a big event like that for insiders to lay low and you to begin doubting they are real. I have been there, done that myself, many times. Safe hugs!

by **eiritw** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 12:34 am

OK I have a question. I'm quite concerned about this. It seems like Rachel is a "nuturing protector" and Michael is an "aggressive protector." So if there's nothing to protect me from, I don't see how they're going to be able to come out while I'm with my psychiatrist. So how will that impact or complicate diagnosis? Will she even be able to diagnose me if she can't see direct evidence of them?

by **eiritw** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 8:19 pm

Also, I visualized our headspace in Minecraft a few weeks ago. If you're curious you can see it here. There's a couple of rooms that are missing from there because I hadn't seen them at the time, but they're just a dining room and study on the gruond floor, nothing too exciting.

by **lifelongthing** » Mon Nov 12, 2012 8:22 pm

That was really interesting. Thanks for sharing the "photos"

by **tomboy24** » Wed Nov 14, 2012 9:51 pm

I am probably freaking the sh*t out of Kyra right now, but I couldn't hold back (sorry, kid).
Protectors don't go away just because there is supposedly nothing to protect you from. We will always be there, watching, making sure nothing goes wrong, ready to jump in if needed. The best thing for you to do is breathe, relax, and let sh*t happen. If your therapist is a competent one, they'll see little things, like small facial changes, habit changes, behavioural changes, etc., that will help point them in the right direction along with everything you share with them, such as symptoms and experiences. And trust me, if they feel they need to, your protectors will most likely come out. I did when that stupid motherf*#king quack tried to tell Cassandra we weren't real. (I'm more of an aggressive protector, so probably more like Michael is).
I especially highly doubt you'll be alone when it comes to therapy. I have troubles trusting, especially people like therapists, and I bet at least Michael does, too. So you won't be alone in there, because they'll be watching, making sure the therapist isn't a threat or tries to do anything you/they won't like, stuff like that. They'll probably go with you until your therapist proves themselves to be trustworthy; they'll just always be in the background, watching, waiting for anything to cross that line.

Just be as honest and blunt as you can be, and tell the therapist everything you've experienced, everything you know (like how they're named, don't share their names unless they're ok with that, though), everything you've felt, etc. Try not to censor your behaviour or impulses or anything like that either, that can help the therapist see more of what's going on. And know that you won't be alone walking in there. You might feel like it, but you really think they'd leave you when they've protected you all this time, through worse stuff? I don't.

Try to not worry about this as much as you can. (I know it's hard). Just do it, and then deal with the results afterwards. It's not worth the effort worrying about all the possibilities and everything. Worry about what actually happens.

-KAT

Um..... :shock:

ok....?

~Kyra (13 yr old)

by **eiritw** » Wed Nov 14, 2012 11:23 pm

The thing too though is that it's not my therapist who's evaluating me. She doesn't know enough about it. So the person I'll be talking to about it is someone I rarely see who up until now has only handled my medication prescriptions and nothing more. So I don't have nearly the same level of trust or feeling safe with her.

~Erika

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