Looking for perspective

Thank you (I never say that either, so I mean it). Glad you've decided to stick around.

No offense, but I'd RATHER be multiple/DDNOS/DID than be a person who's faking or any of that other sh*t. Wanna know why? Once you get a handle on it, it can be pretty f*#king helpful and when you get down to it, it's really not bad. We got each others' backs, you know? When singletons are alone, they're truly f*#king alone, no one inside or outside to turn to or help them. When multiples are alone, we always got each other on the inside. "Family of One", is what we call ourselves (one body, of course, not one personality). It's actually....kinda nice (I'm going to get so much sh*t from the others for saying that because I never say sh*t like this ). Yeah you got your ups and downs, but EVERYONE has those. They're just different ups and downs, that's all. I've never really understood why people get so scared about having DID and such, but then again, that's me. I bet Cassandra would understand that whole fear thing better, based on her denial threads and sh*t. But yeah, trust me, there's a lot of positive sh*t with having DID. It's not all negative, so don't ruin it for yourself by looking at it that way. Everyone's different, and that means everyone's DID is different. Some have a tougher road than others, some have a pretty f*#king easy road with small speed bumps, but no matter what, long as you don't give up on yourself or any other part of you, success and anything else you want in life is possible. This is not a "end of the world" deal, as you seemed to have convinced yourself that it is. Well, it ISN'T. And once you start realizing the positive sh*t, and finding our more about yourself than you thought you knew, you'll start to know how rewarding it can be. Yeah, it can have painful moments and sh*t, but overall, the good outweighs the bad if you let it.

Like the littles? I call them brats all the time 'cause they are brats to me, but when I watch Cassie being accepted and being allowed to come out and be the kid she never really got to be....that makes everything worth it, right f*#king there. When I see that I'm needed less and less to protect others from the outside, that's worth it. And when things run smoothly and we all work together? F*#kin' A, we can do anyf*#kinthing we WANT. Nothing can hold us back, you know why? 'Cause we're working TOGETHER. We're not stuck in "survival" mode, we're not fighting each other, we're not causing trouble or any of that sh*t (communication, acceptance, understanding, and respect is huge in reducing that within systems). We're HELPING each other. All of us have a purpose, and when we work together, we "fill in the holes", so to speak. Where each of us excels, we help those that aren't as good at dealing with certain sh*t or situations, stuff like that. Life actually can become a lot easier when everyone's helping each other and we're all playing into our strengths and sh*t. (Hope this is making sense).

Take Cassandra, our host, for example. She can be a nervous f*#king wreck sometimes. Anxiety about driving, social anxiety, anxiety up the wazoo, you know? But with us working together, she's f*#king fearless. 'Cause I'll be there to help her drive, so bam! That fear's gone. Rain will help her talk on the phone or deal with business stuff like interviews so bam! That fear's gone. Cassie will help her to not worry about other people and just let loose and have fun so bam! That fear's gone. L.C. and Luna will help her to not let things get to her when she needs to not care about them (like if someone's being a jerk but isn't worth our time), so bam! That sh*t's taken care of. See what I mean?Once you figure out what our strengths are, what our purposes are, and once we learn how to use them not just for survival, but for everyday life sh*t- life can be a piece of f*#king cake at times, not matter what it throws at you. And the sooner you all start learning this sh*t and start working together, the better it'll be until one day, you might find you have like a "down" once in a blue moon, and "ups" fill the rest of the time.

Short story long, DID isn't all bad, so don't look at it that way. Otherwise, you'll just ruin it for yourself and you'll make sh*t a ton more difficult than it ever f*#king needs to be. Even when you encounter rough spots in the road, you can't let those fill up your view. You have to know that yeah, you might be in the middle of a storm now, but the sun hasn't gone away. It's still there, behind the clouds, and with some time those clouds will clear to show the sun shining as bright as f*#king ever.

-KAT

I'm bawling again and drooling all over my desk... I can't tell you how many times I've re-read this thread. I just re-read it again. And I had a conversation with them in my bedroom. Michael apologized and said that after seeing the thread again while I was re-reading it, he realizes he was wrong. He is there to protect me and he thought that trying to keep everything hidden and a secret was the way to do that. But he can see now that he was hurting me and that hiding isn't the way to go anymore. And they both put a hand on my shoulders and told me that they love me and everything's going to be okay, and... *TW ABUSE, SUICIDE* it was basically what I've CRAVED and LONGED FOR and CRIED OUT FOR from my parents my whole life since I was little, and only gotten hit and criticized and ridiculed and shamed and dismissed by them instead. And it hurts so much I don't know what to do. I feel like my body can't contain it. I feel like throwing up. It figures that since I have no family that I would have to invent one. It figures that I have to make parts of myself love me, because nobody else does. And I'm having suicidal ideation for the first time in awhile, although now I don't know if they would let me attempt anything. *END TW*

Hi. just wanted to let you all know that Erika is fine, she's just taking all of this really hard as you can see. we did our best to comfort her and had her lay down. once I've posted I'm going to let her back out to watch TV, which should help her taker her mind off of things. like I said, she just carries so much pain from what happened to her that it's hard for her to process even a tiny bit of it at a time. we're not going to let her hurt herself. i can still feel doubts radiating out of her even now. but everything will get easier with time.

~Rachel

-- Sat Oct 13, 2012 7:26 pm --

Wow. The body stopped feeling nauseous for that brief bit where Rachel came out to type, then started feeling nauseous again as soon as I took back the reins. That is weird. And still I'm nagged by lingering doubt... and shame as if I'm doing something wrong and being deceitful. It is getting much harder to deny though.

Erika- You're making so much progress and doing a great job. But don't bite off more than you can chew. Deep breaths, you're going to be just fine. The doubts will lessen, they may come back but they will lessen over time. The pain will lessen too, trust me. It will seem like it won't, and it'll seem like it'll last forever at times, but it won't. It will lessen, and it will go away. You're starting to realize you've been wounded for the first time. Now you can start to heal those wounds. It's like if you were a soldier in battle, and you never noticed that you got injured at all while in the battle. Now that the battle's over, you're starting to realize all the wounds you didn't think you had. But once you know they're there, you can start to heal them, and they will heal.
And somebody loves you- yourself. You love yourself, and that's the most important love of all. And Cassie wants you to know she loves you, too. H3ll, I'm even taking quite a shine to you. You also have a family, a Family of One, within yourself. That's actually a pretty nice family to have. You also always got us, and I'm sure others, here for support and extra...well...love, I guess. (I never say that word, sounds weird to me). *safe hug if wanted* Everything will be ok. This is all very normal, very natural for DDNOS/DID. Nothing's wrong with you or anything like that. Ok? Oh, and it's ok to think about it, but please...(there I go again, d@mn this is a record for me), please don't actually hurt yourself or anything like that. Draw in red marker on your arm, snap a rubber band around your wrist, draw pictures of what you'd like to do, listen to music you identify with right now, cry it all out, h3ll even write a suicide note, but don't actually do anything. Just express it and get it out of your system- it'll help, trust me (but don't do anything that's too triggering or something for you, k?). Be safe. Hide pills and dangerous objects if you feel you need to. K? *'nother hug if wanted*


Rachael- She's taking better than some have. But yeah, this sh*t is pretty hard to come to terms with in the beginning. I'm glad to know you're for her, to help and take care of her. You sound like you're doing a good job of looking out for her, and I'm glad she has you. I also trust you when you say that you won't let any harm come to her- I believe in your abilities already. You sound like a good protector. That was a great idea, having her rest and using distractions to help her cope with this sh*t. I know Erika will be fine, it'll just take some time. And as you said, everything WILL get easier with time. Good to know she has you to help her pass through that time. (Hope that makes sense).

-KAT

*TW SUICIDE/SELF-HARM* I still feel like dying, but there's nothing I can do about it. I've done enough research to know that there's no method of suicide I have access to that is worth the risk of surviving. All I can do down that road is self-harm and I don't think they'll let me do anything serious. I do have a bit of dermatillomania and last night I started trying to claw the skin off of my arm but Michael stopped me.

agh! sorry for not being here... i think i accidentally closed the tab a few days ago T-T

every day, i still think that i'm faking it... that i'm trying to put faces onto parts of me that have different needs... (this is especially not helped by the fact that, when switching, i am co-conscious with who i have switched with for a good few seconds after they come out, so i think "am i channeling parts of myself?")

but... losing time when mabel is out, and see just how differently mera writes is... yeah.

but i still have those doubts in my mind.

I think it's stupid for her to deny that I exist, really. We even recorded a video of us switching, it's an extremely distinct difference. I'm positive that everyone in this thread can tell the difference between us just by the way I type, but I have done colour things as well.

Erika, Rachel and Michael care for you. The fact that they've done things to help your mental state and stopping you from self-harming is proof of that. I've had to stop Kit from self-harming many times. Really, you're going to work through this.

What Kat said is also true. None of us are ever truly alone. A few weeks ago, I kind of... went and hid for a few days. Kit couldn't find me, and she said it's the loneliest she's ever felt. She said it felt like she would never feel unlonely again. She said "is this how singlets feel all the time? do they feel this empty and lonely?".

I'm going to edit our signature to be in our relevant colours, as well.

You're going to be fine. Better than before, probably. And we'll be here for you.

Don't be too hard on yourself- this takes some time to adjust to and accept. It's no small thing that you can instantly process and be done with it. Just remember to not give up, and don't let those doubts win. Crawling is still progress, and you're doing more than that from what I'm reading. You're doing great- don't forget to take breaks, breathers, and relax when you can.

*Trigger Warning*

As far as the suicide goes- glad to know there is nothing that "works" for you. The twins, L.C. and Luna, took a couple attempts, but learned an important lesson through them that's stayed with us. Suicide is extremely selfish. It affects more than just you, and it isn't fair for you to affect people that way. It affects friends, families, even strangers- the cop who finds your body, the doctor who tries to save you, or the everyday people who discover your body. SOMEONE is going to be affected by your death. Everyone has struggles, everyone has pain. You're not alone in how you feel, you're not alone in what you go through, what you've been through. There's always someone who's had it worse than you, there's always going to be someone who's got it rougher than you. Realizing all this can help really put suicide in perspective, and it helped the twins realize it wasn't worth it.

As for the self-harm, not a road you want to go down. Trust me. This might feel like the end of your world now, and it might feel worth it now, but in the future you're probably going to look back on this and wonder, "was it really worth that scar?". You might even think, "how did that seem worth it at the time?".
The twins, L.C. and Luna, used to cut. Here's things they do now whenever they feel like cutting:
Snap rubber bands on their wrists, draw what they feel like doing (self-harm, suicide, etc), draw "cuts" on our arms with washable markers, listen to music they identify with, write about how they feel, write about what they feel like doing, or they use the distraction technique and watch a funny movie, listen to happy/uplifting music, stuff like that.
If the desire is really strong, we do allow L.C. and Luna to scratch on our arms/hands with a safety pin we keep (cleaned) specifically for emergencies. That way, there's no way for risking a deep cut, and there's still enough pain there for them to have it as an outlet.
Maybe you can try some of their substitutions for self-harm and see what works for you.

*End Trigger*


It might feel like you're faking it for a bit, but it won't last forever. Just keep trying to make contact and learn all that you can about yourself, all parts of you. Don't give up and don't be too hard on yourself. You're making great progress. Remember- we're here for you on this site, too.


Denial often isn't reasonable or logical, and happens despite proof of the truth. Don't be too hard on her. It's a lot to process, a lot to accept and a lot to adjust to. Just keep doing what you're doing- showing all the proof you can, and don't give up on her. This won't last forever. You guys are going to be ok, I can tell.

None of you are going to go through this alone, and your parts/alters are making it clear that they're going to help you every way they can to make this not so difficult. They will support and care for you, and help you as much as possible. You will all be ok, just give yourselves some time. They've got your back- you're not going into this unsupported or alone or anything.

*safe hug if wanted* Hang in there, all of you. You're doing great, things will get better with time.

-KAT

I wanted to thank everyone for posting in this post. I'm very new to this forum, and even just here I've learned a lot and have had so many of my own personal questions answered.

I was always told by professors or what not that you have to black out or you have to have childhood trauma / personalities developing early on to be diagnosed with DID. This caused a lot of dissonance for me, since my alters developed mostly in college- though as I look further back I can see that my main/first personality started developing in middle school / high school and that dissociation has been a coping mechanism for me for quite some time. I feared telling any therapist about it for fear that I'd be instantly committed. When I tried to bring it up with my last one (I was transferred to her, and we were a bad match) she totally brushed me off. "We all have inner children we need to tend to." she said. I couldn't emphasize enough that that was not at all what I was trying to say, but I let it go because I feared I couldn't trust her with that information (or info about any of the others, who I've never spoken to anyone but close friends and my partner about.)


I also feared not meeting a diagnosis since it was instances of periodic and different types of abuse later in life that they arose from (instead of the myth of "it must be some massive or consistent childhood trauma"). I've tried reading all I can on it and have for some time- I've read a lot about theories of DID coming from PTSD, but it seems there's not much out there. I have a friend with DID that has become close to me, but still, even with our knowledge (he fits the 'stereotypical' DID diagnosis better than I), I have felt limited and still in the dark. I also only have three alters, and they've stayed that many for a long time now (The myth, I suppose, is that people with DID have to have A LOT of alters). I only started calling them alters because I didn't know what else to call them- they're people, and they are different from me. They act, speak, feel and analyze the world different from how I do.

I have been so relieved reading a lot of posts here because I feel like I do fit within the definition somewhere, and there are other people who, for example, don't black out. Excluding a very bad semester that I was diagnosed with "retrograde amnesia" from, the most I've ever had was time feeling different. I just don't black out- and I was told this means that I possibly couldn't meet the diagnosis for DID. :/ It left me with, naturally, a lot of confusion.

So...thank you all so much. I'm seriously teary writing this response. I am so glad to know there are others out there that experience things like I do. It is so comforting. If I could give you all a nice internet hug, I would definitely do so because of the responses in this post.

~Woo

i'm glad that we can help you too!
(also i've been terrified of telling therapists for fear of being sectioned too but i think i'm gonna tell my psychiatrist about it soon and see what happens)

*TRIGGER*

broken

broken

broken


took your advice


it's not enough

i'm too broken

every time i try to process the hurt it's like trying to empty the ocean with a plastic cup





i would give anything for some barbituates

go to sleep and never wake up



his hand struck my head

and i shattered into pieces

that can never be put back together again.


nowhere is safe and everybody hurts me

i don't understand


trying to heal is like trying to paint a picture when you have no artistic ability whatsoever


it would be easier to just finally finish what they started



"rachel" and "michael" aren't even here right now. they're silent. they're not stopping me.