Looking for perspective

I just don't know. My friend also experiences mental illness and I value her opinion highly. She doesn't have DID though and obviously I value you folks' perspectives as well or else I wouldn't be here. But I'm really feeling right now like this was a mistake. Maybe she was right, I don't want to go down this road. I'm trying to open Pandora's Box, you know what I mean? I don't see any way it can end well.

And the fact that constant and powerful self-doubt seems to be such a common thing in people who actually have DID? Just makes this even moreso the biggest mindf*** ever.

So I'm still massively conflicted. I want to stop it before it spirals into something I can't control. If they're real then right now it seems like they're not used to communicating or taking over, so it's mostly happening when I make an effort to engage with them. If I stop doing that then I can maintain this and it won't end up hurting me. I really don't need my life to get any more difficult, I'm already dealing with trans stuff and depression and unemployment and bad family relationships and ... ugh.

no no no no no sorry

Hmm. I think I should say something, here. Want to know why? Because I was/am going through exactly what you are. I have this crazy fear that if I stop denying everything, my life will spiral out of control. But what I realized is that, it was already doing that even WHEN I was denying.

So basically, there are a couple choices. You can deny, but eventually they will become upset and/or hurt enough and actually do something to get your attention. ***Trigger warning*** (Shawnee sparked an online relationship with another female in which she made clear to her she was going to find her, rape her, and kill her.) That was pretty much what sparked a fire under my bum and forced me to stop ignoring them.

Or, you can explore this path, and learn to co-exist peacefully. It will absolutely be hard at first, just as it is for me right now, but with a good therapist, a will to go on, and support around you, I definitely believe you can maintain control over your life. It's such a scary thing to accept, that you no longer are living just as/for yourself, but you have all of the others inside to live for too. They need someone...They need you to be strong.

One way that I've been trying to deal with my denial is by seeing something I found. I found evidence on my computer of me in 2008 exploring the idea I might have DID. Then nothing, for years. Then I found evidence in 2011 exploring it AGAIN. Then nothing, until now. They simply got stronger, and were able to intrude upon my life in a way more defined way in which I simply couldn't ignore them anymore. Maybe I wasn't ready in 2008, or 2011. But I lifted up and took a peek inside Pandora's Box, but you know what else? I'm not alone. When I looked inside, there they were, and we are all in this together.

Maybe I'm not ready. Or maybe none of it is real anyway. I'm frozen trying to decide what to think. And I'm afraid of telling my therapist. I'm afraid I will never be able to get either of them out in a therapy session and then I'll feel like even more of some kind of faker or mental illness hypochondriac. I just can't bring myself to really believe it. I don't even know what's been happening with all of this, what I've been doing. There has to be an alternate explanation that fits the facts better.

eiritw wrote:I talked to a friend about it, and she thinks it's just my psychotic features becoming more prominent. So there's two possible explanations as far as I can tell:

1. I'm psychotic. When I have intrusive thoughts that feel like other people talking to me inside my head, they're just hallucinations and nothing more. I'm falling into a delusion that I have alters, but I do not actually have them.

2. I have DD-NOS/DID. I actually have alters.

The question is how on earth do you tell the difference? As I asked her, how do you tell what's real and not real inside your own head?

It sounds silly but: your asking this question is very strong evidence that you are not psychotic.

Edit: I have now read all the rest of this thread and followed your link to one of my own threads that you say you identify with. Everything you describe experiencing seems to be typical DID, right down to Michael, the angry denying alter who fears this is not DID but insanity. I would say you are ready to face it now. And if not now, then when? Do you have a car? You know that if a car needs work it is always better do the work sooner than later, before the problem gets worse. The good news is that acceptance can lead to appropriate treatment which can lead to far greater functionality and happiness and success in life. Many of us here can tell you how we wish we had not lingered so long in denial.

They're still extremely quiet when I don't go looking for them or trying to engage them. I only got 31 on DES. Surely I can just leave things be as they are. They might seem to come out again during a moment of extreme triggering or stress like the woman did the first time, but that would be it. It doesn't have to be real.

This is all my dad's fault. if it weren't for everything he's done to me, the original incident would never have happened and i could have gone on the way things were and never so much as thought about this.

i'm almost 30 and he still has the power to break me, apparently

eiritw wrote:Surely I can just leave things be as they are.

Sure. If having dissociated identities is not causing you significant distress or disability, then you don't have a disorder.

I let it be for 30 years, until I encountered a situation that caused my DID system to go kaboom. Oops. I wish I had known sooner what the problem was, and that there was something useful I could do about it.

So if I'm understanding you right, what you're saying is I can accept this as part of my life now and have something I can possibly deal with, or I can ignore it and not have a "disorder" for now, but it will likely be a ticking time bomb, causing me to have something much harder to deal with later?

I mean it's definitely causing me distress whatever it is so I'm pretty sure it'd be the basis for some kind of diagnosis of a disorder

(not sure if I should edit this post or reply to it? editing will work. I'm not sure what the convention is here. anyway, talk about distress! she was just sobbing her heart out a few minutes ago but we calmed her down. we brought her upstairs and had her make one of the rooms into her bedroom and had her lay down there. even Mike was very sweet to her which I think surprised her. we just want her to stop fighting and be at peace. but she has *so much* pain and anguish and she has no idea how to express it. I wish I could give her some more clarity on things but to be frank I don't know either if we're really separate or just 'parts' or 'aspects' of a common entity.)

[I'll use square brackets I guess. I don't know how this works either. I do see memories of reading different-colored text here but uh, since she started with the parentheses I'm just going to follow suit for now, ok? ANYWAY I still think she's basically just losing her mind, but I don't really want to see her crushed and bawling in pain either, y'know what I mean? I'm feeling a strong impulse from her to delete this whole edit, but I'm not going to, haha! I mean, she asked for it when she was all, "If you're really in there then show it." That's what I'm doing, no? Either that or she's crazy and putting on quite a show here to convince you and convince herself of something she doesn't have... *ahem*. Yes, okay, fine, Rachel is bugging me to mention (because SHE forgot to!) that we stopped Erika from self-harming, so she's safe from that for now. So in short, yes, we're crazy, we're all crazy here, how are you? There. I said something. And you're going to realize that you remember me writing every word of it and then you'll REALLY know the truth! I'm sorry you felt hurt and that it triggered so much bad stuff but you're going to have to accept reality at some point.]

tomboy24 wrote:[color=#0000BF]This one deals with strong denial, arguing, and anger. It may be the most triggering, so please read with caution: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97494.html

This one deals with denial, but also has many supportive replies, and should not be as triggering: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98729.html

I just... I've looked at those and the thought that occurred to me was seriously, "How do I know that I'm not lying?" And I just had to stop and reflect for a moment on what an absurd thought that is to have. I feel fake. I feel wrong and... well some of the things you said in the 2nd link. Like I am just trying to get attention or something. And at the same time I feel like my world is unraveling and the full extent of how broken I am is on full display for all to see. And I just don't know why I would do this to myself. Maybe it's a non-physical form of self-harm. I've wandered into unfamiliar territory with no map to guide me.

edit: I do feel like I've made this whole thing up, and wasted all your time. I'm very sorry for that. I also haven't been able to stop thinking about this whole thing ever since it started, and I was legitimately sobbing and screaming into my pillow a little while ago. Dissonance and confusion sucks.

This whole thing pretty much PROVES you have DDNOS/DID. The fact that you identify with our threads, the fact that you're doubting yourself so much and are scared, the fact that you don't want to continue with this- systems don't want to be found. That's the whole f*#king point of DID. They help the "host" or the person who's out the most, SEEM normal and ok while they're NOT "ok". It's a survival tactic, so obviously, it can't be found easily.

As Una+ said, the fact that you question this so much and keep WANTING (yes, you seem to WANT this to be fake, which is a form of denial, which is common for DID people) this to be a non-physical form of self harm PROVES to me that you are NOT faking, this IS real, and this IS NOT your psychosis.

You have all this proof right in front of your face and yet you can't see the truth. That SCREAMS denial, and screams DID as well.

You may have a part that is MAKING this all feel fake, that is MAKING you feel wrong, because that's what their purpose was- to make sure nothing was found out, to make sure everything was hidden. Because for us, for a system, hidden=safe. Before we come forward, before we come out on our own, we need to know sh*t is safe. We need to feel safe. We need to be reassured we're safe. (Well, I don't, but that's because I'm a protector alter. Others, especially littles, do need that reassurance).

Why is it bad to open Pandora's box? I'd rather KNOW what the f*#k is going on and be able to get help and the right treatment for it than have a box that could explode in my face any f*#king moment and leave me in even more confusion and have possible misdiagnoses and sh*t.

You are starting a great thing here, you're making progress. No matter how wrong it feels now, DO NOT STOP. Please (and I never f*#king say please, so listen up), please stay here, and please DO NOT stop trying to make contact with the parts you've seen, you've felt, and that you KNOW deep deep down are REAL. Otherwise, that body sh*t wouldn't have happened, those voices wouldn't be there, this all screams DID too much to even be considered as psychosis or anything else (except DDNOS of course).

You're not wasting anyone's time. If you were wasting our time, I wouldn't be f*#king talking to you right now, and Rain wouldn't have tried so f*#king hard to make you see the truth.

I don't care about your friend's knowledge, no offense. They're misleading you, and since they don't have DID themselves, they're not the most trustworthy source. Look at all that you identify with here- Look at EVERYTHING that hits close to home for YOU. That HAS to MEAN something. And you know what it means? You belong here.

The sooner you start getting a handle on this, the sooner you start opening your mind to these possibilities, the sooner you start communicating and fight this fear, this denial- the better it will be. Most people here say Cassandra is lucky to be so young and have so much sh*t figured out. It's better to figure sh*t out SOONER rather than LATER. That way, you can get through any tough times before they happen mid-career, or mid-new-family, or some sh*t like that. We're lucky- we're going through tough sh*t before we got into a career, before we had anything super solid to f*#k up. Is it slowing us down? Yeah, a bit, but that's because we're not in therapy, so progress is a lot f*#king slower than it could be. With help, with therapy, and with your determination, you can lead a perfectly successful, "normal" life AS WELL AS accepting yourself, and I mean ALL of yourself. You can have DID and complete your dreams, it is possible. Just because you open Pandora's box, doesn't mean you'll lose control over everything or any sh*t like that. ALL ACCEPTING DID WILL MEAN is that you get to learn and know more about yourself than you ever did, you'll finally BE yourself, and you'll be able to find help that's actually relevant to you and will assist you to being successful WHILE healing and WHILE learning about yourself.

YOU ARE NOT LYING. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel this way. And you wouldn't have had that square-bracket post and sh*t. READ what part(s) of you have written. Re-read this entire thread. It is full of proof that will tell you, you have DDNOS/DID. And now that you think you know what's up, you can start making progress instead of being stuck in limbo, or being stuck in distress, or waiting for a ticking time bomb. You seem to want to make progress, so stop fighting yourself and find a DDNOS/DID familiar therapist and start down that progressive road. Don't stop trying to make contact with your parts, don't stop coming here, and no matter what, don't let that fear/denial win.

You can pretend all you want for a while. Maybe even for years. But it IS a ticking time bomb, and one day, it'll explode and you'll go "Oh...they were right after all...". It's best to start getting help and sh*t NOW rather than later.

I don't know if I got through to you, but I sure hope I did. Because I would hate to see someone who's making so much progress already, someone who has so much potential via your determination and sh*t, I would hate to see you leave and know that you're wandering this world, lost, confused, distressed, and just waiting until proof finally f*#king smacks you in the face.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, take a step back. Take a breather. But don't leave for good. Again...please. If nothing else, don't leave.

-KAT

You're right. I want it to be fake. I want to be lying. I want the explanation for my behavior since I started this thread to be that I'm a pathetic, lying, delusional, bad person. I want that more than anything. I'll look for ANY reason to believe that. Like that in the notes they left me last night that their handwriting isn't that different from mine, for example. That's what I've been doing, at any rate.

And I get it, hidden = safe. As a queer/trans* person and an autistic and a survivor of abuse and bullying, I follow you completely there. I most definitely learned at an extremely young age to make myself as small, as invisible, as unnoticed as possible in order to make myself a smaller target and try and minimize how much I got attacked.

I guess if this is real then it's not surprising it would happen now, given the immense amount of pain and stress I've endured in the past year.

Thank you for all your advice and help. I will stick around and keep reading.