advice

Hey, jen here, see Tunes14's profile if you don’t know me. Anyway, i know i dont post on here often, but jess is in time-out rite now and we have a problem.

Basic information: jess lives with her grandparents. Grandmother basically rules the family. Grandmother does not know of jess being a multiple. Best case scenario, she would deny it and write it off. Worst case scenario, she would believe her and vent to the entire family, who then would gossip to their friends and word would get out. So bottom line, goal #1 has always been don’t let grandmother know.

To get a T, she needed insurance. To get insurance, she needed money. She got her grandmother to buy her insurance and she got one with a low enough payment plan on her T sessions that she can cover that herself. Everything was fine. She went to her first session. It went well. Then grandmother found out that instead of charging her annually, like she requested, the insurance is charging her monthly. So shes making phone calls and obsessively checking any mail from the insurance company. This is the time the bill will be coming for the T session. We cannot change the address because if she does get mail about the billing procedures, it had damn well better have the home address on it. She has not been checking anything addressed to jess without jess seeing it first, but that’s a recent trend – she has a history of checking anything that takes her interest. So she may or may not find it. Even if she doesn’t find it now, she will probably be compelled to open one of these strange letters that jess keeps saying aren’t important eventually and that will be the end of it. Either way is looking like an end result of word gets to grandma and thus everyone else.

Comparing possible outcomes: If she finds out about the T, no matter if we tell her or she finds out on her own, she will be pissed, whether she believes its needed or not. She will be more pissed if she discovers it on her own than if she is told. The more pissed she is, the more terrible she will make the situation sound when she tells everybody.

We have considered telling her that she has a different condition, such as PTSD or depression. However her grandma will (and she has done this with depression in the past) pretend that we live in a caring household, makes jess tell her the reasons for the depression, talks with her about it for a few hours, and if that doesn’t solve the problem entirely, then she gets pissed off and tells everyone in the family whatever she can to make jess sound like a bad granddaughter. Not a big deal really, but far from helpful.
If we try to disguise this as something more serious, something that she can’t handle, a) she doesn’t believe her and gets pissed about the T sessions, as they were completely unnecessary and now jess has a spot on her record and her grandmother has a bill to pay, etc. or b) she does believe her, gets stressed, and vents to the entire family about it and how hard it is to be her and how sorry they should all feel for jess, because its just terrible, or c) she denies it all together and gets pissed that jess would even suggest that something could be wrong with her family enough to cause a serious mental issue, and REALLY tell the family how much of an uncaring narcissistic liar she is, and probably include what the “lie” was as well – so the family can either believe it and get pissed at jess, or believe jess and gossip to everyone they know. Which isn’t much different than her potential responses to telling her jess has DID.

So finding ourselves suddenly thrown into this situation, we were hoping that we could get a suggestion from someone here. We really don’t know how to approach this. How do we handle the billing situation without grandmother finding out? How do we handle the repercussions if her grandmother does find out? How should we inform her if that does seem like the best option? Can you give any other advice or suggestions?

Is there any way you can discuss this issue with your T or insurance company? I know that for us, when we got on birth control, we couldn't have anyone find out about the billing information, so they kept it confidential for us. Perhaps they can do something similar for you.

If nothing else, you might just have to bite the bullet and tell your grandma that you have depression or something before she finds out. Ignore everything she says and all her anger and deal with whatever talk she wants to have. Just "shut off" if you can, and try to get through it.

Can you talk to your T about this whole situation? They might be able to help you. Even just like an email or a phone call so that you don't have to actually go in.

Overall, this doesn't sound like a healthy family situation. Is there any way you can get out of it? Or at least take steps to become emancipated so that you can look at other insurance options, such as ones strictly for those under 18? (I don't know how old you are, sorry). That way it'd be your insurance and your bills, and you could control the address thing and sh*t. (I don't know where you are, but in the US, there's free insurance plans for those under 18 and those who qualify for it and sh*t).

As far as the repercussions go, you're going to have to stay strong and stand alone it sounds like. Not exactly easy, but don't let them get you down and don't let them win. Fight for what you know to be true and trust yourself, listen to yourself, believe in yourself and no one else. Stay strong because it won't last forever, trust me. We used to say we're a family of one and didn't need anyone else. Sometimes that's how you gotta look at it, because sometimes, all you have is yourselves. Definitely do not stop therapy because of this, either. Stand strong in what you know you need and what is good for you, and f*#k anyone else who says/thinks otherwise. The time will come when you can shove undeniable truth in their faces, but this is not the time yet. You just gotta hold on and remember, you've got a safe place here.

-KAT

Hello. Jess here; I was sent out to fold towels. Time-out excludes chores apparently.

Anyway, to more serious matters, I am over 18, a little over 21. The insurance is in my name, but my grandmother is paying for it. As far as the insurance company goes, this is as confidential as they can get. It's my home address, but I live with my grandmother. I'm doing all I can to get through school, and she provides me with other financial needs so I can stay in school. The problem with the mailing is that she needs to see some information from them to cover the monthly cost of the insurance. I could ask them to mail the insurance things to my friend's house, but then my grandmother wouldn't get the papers she needs. And if I brought her the papers, I'd have all the questions of where I got the letter and why it didn't come in her mail. And I can't answer that. So I need the insurance and while I can get the therapist mail to come to my friend's house, there is no way to hide the insurance company mail.

I'm not really concerned with her talk as much as I'm concerned with the insurance. She can't call and cancel my appointments, and she can't call and cancel my insurance, but if she decides to stop paying for my insurance, that pretty well cancels all of it. It's not just her anger at stake.

We were going to talk to the T and see what she had to say, but she's nearly impossible to contact over the phone, so we posted here until I (or someone else if I'm still being held captive) can try to see her on monday or whenever.

I am old enough that technically I could pack my things and walk out the door and it would be perfectly legal. The problem is that once I do that I have no job, no money, and I could find a place to stay, but I'd probably have to drop out of school to focus on a job, which are not easy to come by as it is. So leaving the family, while it's something I think I'd like to do, isn't really something I can afford to do until I graduate. Also I have looked at the free/cheap insurance policies available to me and they will not cover my sessions. At least, none of them that I have found.

I really appreciate your support. I have known my family is a little dysfunctional, and I don't doubt that I need to see the T. If I do have to face the repercussions, I will do my best to stand through it. The thought that hard times won't last forever is definitely comforting. I wouldn't count on being able to shove undeniable truth at them someday, as I'm pretty sure they will always find some way to deny it. Which is actually so pathetic that it's funny. ^^ Thankfully, the idea of shoving the truth at them isn't something I particularly care to strive for anyway, so I'm all good as long as they don't take away what I need to get through it.

Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot. It's good to know that this is a place I can come to.

Ah ok. I get the whole picture now. Yeah... you're kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. We've been there. Not fun.

Have you thought about telling your grandma you're going to therapy for bipolar disorder? Cassandra used that when we started showing through because to others, they did only see "mood swings" (especially when I'd burst through). That could also help you feel a bit more free around your family, you know, showing a bit more of all of you but keeping it to where they could be just "mood swings". That, and with bipolar disorder, that's not exactly an easy fix, or any fix at all, so your grandma might not freak out about the whole "you don't need therapy, you just need to talk" bullsh*t. It's also something that's not in anyone's control or caused by trauma or anything, so yeah... kinda covers all your bases.

Maybe also talk to your T, see if they know about any programs that can help you in case your grandma does stop paying for your insurance. Get all you can out of your T while you can- they'll know the systems and sh*t better than you, and that way you don't have to stress yourself doing all the work.

'Course this is a place you can come to. You're as welcome here as anyone else.

-KAT

-- Sat Oct 06, 2012 7:00 pm --

Oh yeah, and if your grandma tells you to take pills to treat the bipolar instead of going to therapy, tell her that with therapy, you can learn techniques that will help you even out your mood swings and sh*t for the rest of your life instead of being on pills that cost money for the rest of your life.

-KAT